Thursday, May 8, 2008

By jove, I think she's got it

I must preface this entry by addressing the comment made about this one. You know, it's funny, when I came home last night, I meant to take that fear-induced "disclaimer" about losing readers out of my last post. I honestly did. I came back from Peace Space yesterday and had already been handed a slap from Jen for doing it (for I admitted to her that I had made the slip) - it is really taking all the respect out of the give-take between my blog and whoever visits it. A rather misguided (and insensitive) error of judgement on my part. Oooh. This sounds like yet another disclaimer. But I forgot to remove it. And that's no accident in itself, I guess. For perhaps, now it's been publicly brought to my attention by way of a respectful "pull yer socks up and get over yerself", I won't wonder. Better to comment than not (despite how uncomfortable you may be right now reading this!). I will remember my audience, remember not to disrespect them and take away the power that might otherwise be in their choice to read (or not) whatever it is I've written and take away their own opinions and perspectives. I totally forgot/missed that responsibility.

So, anyway, xxAxx ... yes, I have certainly received your constructive criticism in the nature in which it was intended. Your own disclaimers have been lovingly accepted and understood, mwah :) Your exchange has been really helpful. And yes. I get it. I shan't be apologising for my experience or abilities again..... this week. Anyway. *cough*

Now to this post.

Yesterday, I did Yellow ray healing. Well, ho-lee, what a whopper it was. This one was a, for want of a better summation, perceptional upgrade. A big part of yesterday was learning my own boundaries. I have yet to properly master the personal/public/professional crossovers - mine all seem to blur and I let various projects all spill into the other, which creates really crummy energy and time management on my part. It also affects my health. I knew that, but I thought I was getting away with it. Two days ago, it affected the LGBB and I am not prepared to allow that to happen. So as well as learning some really good winding down/off techniques for the two of us, I am also in the process of just energetically setting myself some boundaries. Sand-bagging the front door.... something like that, anyway.

Obviously, everyone's journey and life and soul is different. For me personally, the take on the day and the class was that this is IT. I feel like I've just walked through a door into the "next room". Kind of like when Homer is given the key to Monty Burns' private bathroom and it's this awesome hall with marble pillars.... I'm not in any work toily anymore. I'm in the palatial pooper.

Uh, perhaps that ended up a rather unfortunate analogy, but for want of another...

In a nutshell, it is this (but not only the following):
YELLOW helps you see your existence as it is and evaluate the way you are living it.
You should always see to it that • your 'desires' are not listened to and attended by competitiveness or false self-gratification, and • that your desires do not 'soully' serve ego-driven, striving control, but are always for the greater good of All.
It is also very definite in its ability to sort and shift heavy, or burdened, energy.
As you stand in and for your individual truth, it can seem as if a spotlight is directed upon you and you alone.

And it is that last sentence, I think, that is the seat of my issewes. Those which I am working towards working out at this point in my journey. My upbringing did not promote good, positive self-esteem. I was put down a lot. I was also put down for being sensitive, just to name two destructive things. Add pregnancy and neonatal loss to that, and a fractured family, and there's the beginning of a really important mix of ingredients to create, yes it can't be denied, a fantastic learning ground. But also a pretty tough cliff face to navigate. I'm doing it, it's just taking a bit more time which I understand is possibly confusing for the more self-assured supporters around me. I sound confident a lot, don't I *wink* (so, actually, Alliecat I guess this is where I answer your comment's first question: Yes. I was, very serious!) Now I just have to stand and believe in the strength that apparently so many others can see. God I can be high maintenance (just ask Steve).

Aaaanyway, all this is to say that yesterday was yet another of those days (of which I have had quite a number now, since starting my ttc journey) that I know I won't go back from. An experience or a deep knowing that you understand immediately, now you're aware or awakened, that you can't 'unlearn'. You know? In a good way, I mean. Sort of like a real spiritual accountability sesh. Walk your walk, don't just talk it. Gulp. Big ask, so we'll see how I go.

I have the really blissful feeling you won't be hearing me talk myself down again. It's a warm feeling. Like I just peed my pants.

More later on the feedback from Jen on my book! I can haz feedback from a counsellor's POV! *spinning in circles*

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