Thursday, March 20, 2008

Boldly going where this blog hasn't gone before

Well, this is a first.

I appear to be miscarrying a pregnancy of the unplanned kind. Was not more than five weeks along (like most of our lost pregnancies) but the physical pain - as it has been known to vary, just in my own experience - was quite sudden this morning. It burst onto the scene just after I saw the first drop of blood. Ironically, as has most often happened, I was actually sitting on the throne contemplating getting the trusty cup out to use my last test on FMU because this past week of testing has been so faint.

I cannot say I am gutted for it was not planned. However, I am far from relieved either. This is a very new and interesting emotional experience for me and one which I am not going to pass up for the lessons it has brought me. Of course I am disappointed. I just got my head around accepting the "interesting" timing of it all, if in fact it was going to continue. Had begun to grow used to feeling anticipation of telling my Ob, just to see the horrified look on his face *insert wicked eye-glint smiley* I had an inkling before I was even due that I would be testing. By the middle of this week, distractedly my thoughts turned to wondering if this little one was really even ready yet. I guess, as it turns out, he is not.... and perhaps factoring in to that is that neither am I. Not really. But as I said to a trusted friend, I won't really ever be "ready" for another baby. No, strike that. I won't be ready for another pregnancy. But one thing I know by now is that I will sure as hell cope when/if/whatever.

It just amuses me (in the least funny sense of the word) that even when not willing and tempting fate because I've been long off the TTC merry-go-round - lost my nerve, I guess you could say, so am on permanent, self-imposed "hiatus" - I get pregnant anyway. And lose it, pain and all, anyway. What gives?? Jeez, at least let me be one of the lucky ones who is part of (apparently medically-recognised) a MF infertile couple that has the surprise happy-ending pregnancy after all the trouble and the trying and the striving. But nope. Can't have the Hollywood ending. Ho no! Who do you think you'd be fooling trying that trick, then, 'eh? Sit back down and take your Panadeine.

Will I actively start trying now? Not on your life. But I will be taking great pains to remember my folic acid daily from now on (as only I do best, my first thoughts turned to "But.... I wasn't taking any vitamins!") and start treating my body and diet more kindly.

Yeah. I'll get onto that, right after I finish this sympathy chocolate egg.

Oh, and for those playing at home, this was loss #8.

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