Sunday, March 2, 2008

I've been Tagged

Well I never!

This is so funny - not that I am saying it's a funny thing to do, just what my reaction has been to being tagged - I have been sweating this little bit of pop quizz-esque homework like I have waited until Thursday night before starting my English essay. Ooops, what would Mr Maile say?!

In truth, I have not had a moment to scratch either of me sizeable butt cheeks since Friday and so now I find myself, spare of time (all 10 minutes of it before dinner) and eager to put words to screen before I lose the meandering thoughts that are all floating around *in there* just begging of me to clear the server and free some disk (read: brain) space.

So, on to the challenge. Can I call it a challenge? It's a challenge to me, because I can't remember what I was going to write, so we'll see how this ends up....

I've been tagged by this relatively new reader to my years-long musings and what I have to do is discuss three reasons why I blog. So here goes:

1. In the beginning... I just started. Just like that, in Sept. (I think? Or Oct?) '05. I can't remember why I started or how I even knew blogs existed, but I had soooo much going round and round in my head then that I just had to type it out. I still do that to this day as the need arises, although things are a lot more guarded and cagey round here due to several little misdemeanors along the way (long story, skip that, and no I won't provide links to back-posts!). In those moments, I learned what it was to write something and, by so doing, put quite a lot of my energy out there. Sometimes I post/ed, published the post and then deleted it - hours or minutes later. It was almost as if, by simply writing it out and seeing it "in print" (on the screen in this case) in my own words was enough for me to heal. To sometimes see that it wasn't worth putting all my energy into "out there in public". So to that end, this blog has taught me what my energy is worth putting into and where it goes - if it's to not-such-a-good-place, then I've deleted posts (sometimes after they've been viewed by one or several). But when I have deleted, it's not through any "cowardly" means, it has simply happened by way of my realising that ... "This is so not worth my effort and energy."

If you read my ramblings long enough, you may know that pretty much everything I write is dripping with everything I have. Meaning, I don't write half-arsed.

Besides all this (aw my Lord, this is a very long wordy #1), what I wanted most was to have a space to just .... write! Write whatever the hell I wanted about whatever. Whenever. I felt I had so much to say. I wanted to have a place to say it, sorta kinda sheepishly, for it is hard to see my thoughts and opinions blazoned across my screen and realising they might appear on others' (inevitably, given it's the www we're dealing with here), but in a forum where I did not have to apologise, answer to, vet my thoughts or edit for anyone. Or at least, through my blog I found I could get to a point where I am comfortable that what I write, I stand by - without feeling the need anymore to apologise or backstep or remove a post, because I have learned what is important enough to stand upa nd argue for. All those posts which remain in my blog, therefore, are all things I stand by. I wanted to get it all down so I could get to my future. But (and here comes reason #2)....

2. I did not realise that by way of my blog, I was actually testing myself in the public arena. It has become a practice ground for me, in a way. What to write. What not to write (and I do thank most profusely, once again - although I seem not to be taken for my genuine word when I say this - my teachers of this lesson, for it took a few goes to get it, I'm a bit slow like that). This blog has been my teacher, my healer, my big eiderdown comforter. It's the quilt, if you will, of my growing into the new me. Each important post along the way creating that patchwork, the ones which really came (and come) from my sore heart have been monumentally cathartic (for me) and it is handy and rewarding to have them historically time-lined. I can see where I was and where I have come to - I just can't see where I'm going, nor do I fully want to (cos where's the fun in that, 'eh?).

And all the comments I have received along the way have been awesome for my sense of place, coming to grow my optimism for my specific job for humanity (the book), my soul. Without the buffer I have somehow had the generous good fortune to have flocked and encircled me here, I doubt there would have been much of a drive to continue. Or get going.

3. It's just kind of fun to talk about... well, nothing but shite! *note to self: talk about MORE shite more often on here, shite-talking is good for the soul* Sometimes I want to post about stuff all. And who else wants to hear it somedays? So I write it here. And I still feel heard. Even if nobody comments. I know they read. So in their reading, I have been heard. That's enough for the likes of me. And as an appended #3 (so, like, can I cheat and say Reason #3.5...), I really truly enjoy the time out. It's me time. It is time for me to stick my head out of my cave and look at "what she's doing" (for she inspired me whilst on her own PGD path). Or her (because she is as sharp and bold as I wish to be). And - a new time-permitting-obsession - her!

So there you have it. My (very abridged, I might sidle in here) version of why I blog. I love it. It's my 15 minutes' break with the coffee. It's the sanity in my flights of fancy (and otherwise), which I really do require so that I don't lose touch with reality - such is the nature of my upcoming and fledgling work and growth - and it is my portal to connecting little threads of comeradery with people I like and want to know, more innately than face to face, for I find that words on blogs are the stuff of people's true personas. The ones they don't fully divulge to friends in the flesh or family or sometimes even partners. It's different, blog communication, and I really enjoy it.

Thanks for the tagg! I've enjoyed the introspection. Always good for a bit of a spring clean and sharpening of the senses. And without further ado, I guess the last business I need to do is tagg Amoir, this gorgeous chick, this funny bugger and my ever faithful backup grrl (who may miss this as she's out of town... wink wink) to not break the chain. Consider yourselves IT!

The rest of you regulars, ashamedly, don't have blogs (that I know of)! Paul, the day you get a blog is the day hell will freeze over, I know, but I'd SO obsessively read it. Go forth and blog, all of you, I say! *slapping you with my white gloves to accent the challenge in a gentlemanly manner* If only so I have more people to legitimately tag.

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