Tuesday, March 18, 2008

The upside of sad

I had a spinning out moment last Wednesday night. Totally missed that it was a White experience (left over from having done that healing ray the week before.. or was it two weeks? I forget already).

I went scrounging around for any help I could the following day, absolutely desperate to get away from my own head and the pain I was feeling. It was something that has been building for a while now, I suppose, and prior to some very grounding phone calls with two of my most glorious of friends the following morning, I honestly thought I had been completely on the wrong track this whole time. They had to remind me I was most certainly not! Nor was I going insane. One of them, quite spookily, even told me that I was not a charletan (I had been thinking that very word but didn't voice it, so it was interesting to me that she picked up on the fact that I had come to a point where I felt somewhat fake - I am certain now that this feeling has come up because I have not properly begun to walk my talk). I guess the stakes are now being upped as I work forward through these layers.

But herein lies my lesson (and dilemma): I am off the beaten track with my path/my work! The more conviction I have in my own truth, the more those closest to me will be able to support me. How can I fully expect to have someone stand beside me if I am unclear and unsure of what I am doing. Belief in me. This is where it has to start. And I am still getting there.

I reached out and made an action plan of sorts. One piece of information, by way of email advice, came my way and I copy it in part here in case it is of use to anyone reading:

Please remember that polarity assumes a role when we are close to breakthrough, close to beginning again, close to re birthing and close to coming out of the closet.

Please remember it is energy. That we engage it, we manifest it and we can change it through how we react with it and to it.

Please remember that the energy that comes to you via your experiences is in you -- the law of like attracts like.

I think it is really important to remember this (for me personally, at the very least) so that I don't get so caught up in the emotions of interactions with people. By design, humans fear change. If I am changing - and growing - through my healing work, of course that incites fear in somebody who prefers that I not go through any pain or anguish to get to that place of greater understanding about myself. The short-sightedness of this, though, is that one can stunt their own growth if they acceded to stop what they are doing at the first sign of internal struggle. Put simply, if I were to listen to my partner and stop this work now, then the expectation on me is that my pain and sadness and retrospection will cease. The follow-on effects of this include being easier for him to support me. Unfortunately, I think the cause and effect of doing this is not quite so simple. It doesn't work that way.

I have to remember this is not stepping backward but ever spiralling up. I am learning and what a steep learning curve it is. I visited my Homoeopath (remember him?! What a harsh critic I was after our first meeting, one which assisted in resulting in the LGBB... oh... not like that!!) last Friday, instead of reaching for the phone to contact a GP and jump on anti-depressants - for I was literally at a point where I just wanted to escape the sadness, confusion, fuzziness, anger and stress - and found myself sitting with him listening to something that had not struck me before.

He said that he always enjoyed my visits. I was floored. Prior to making the appointment with him, I had almost forgotten he existed (it's one of those things where, in the moment, you just lose all clarity and forget to reach for your usual supports - sort of like heading straight for the morphine drip instead of attempting a Panadol for a headache). It took The Guardian Friend to prompt me to call him. Which I did. SO... anywho, I felt funny admitting that I was writing a book. He is someone who intimidates me somewhat with his own learnedness. Is that a word? So I was really taken aback that this intelligent eccentric practitioner was telling me he got something from me when I came to see him. Totally unlike anything he has ever said to me in the two plus years I have been seeing him.

When I explained that I had been told by my husband that I was "going like this" lately (and illustrating a very wavy ocean, peak and trough visual with my arm) in comparison to him claiming to be steady and implying I should be the same, he corrected me. Not unusual for him ;) "You're not going like this", he said, copying my arm movement. "You are actually doing this." And he made a steady incline shape with his arm on the diagonal. "You might be moving around a bit on that upward path.... but you are going up. When someone is like this and remaining steady (putting his arm flat), they are not moving at all." There was no doubt in his voice. I wanted to cry, I felt so understood and validated. And I realised this was all I had wanted. A friend telling you you are not going mad and you're on the right track is one thing. But someone totally objective saying it is even more liberating.

How is it that even he, someone I haven't been to for over four months, can see? And not only that, but confirms what I knew - as soon as he said it, I remembered, "Ah yes, I am climbing, I am getting there." Still, why did it take someone else to say it for me to remember what I already know?? Where is my strength of conviction when someone challenges what is closest to my heart?

This cloud around my head has GOT to be clearing sometime soon. It just must! I refuse to stop until I see sunshine, whenever that is.

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