But here goes, anywho.
I was just doing a protection and clearing today - bit late in the day to be doing it for the day, given it's after lunch now - and found myself really appreciating the simplicity of receiving what I do. I'm growing more and more respectful and tuned in to not just waving off what I *see* and *hear* - sometimes it's just a flicker of a vision and often, it's when my eyes are closed that I mostly see colours and shapes, sometimes numbers.... sometimes it's numbers shown to me in a particular colour. I have become diligent in capturing not only what I'm seeing in these moments, but also their sequence. This is nothing unique, nothing I even find particularly special - the difference is, I've just started to try and pin these things down and not dismiss them as not being special or not things that are being handed to me on platter after platter (which previously, I was just oblivious to, through fear of "getting the message wrong" or being seen to be weird or "making this stuff up" or just downright ignorant of it).
So. Today. I'm there, clearing a particular situation involving our little family here and another family with whom we have had a long-running estrangement, standoff, lack of seeing eye to eye.... one of "those" things. It's taken some time, work, energy and healing to come to a point where it's just another drop in the ocean to me (not least of all because it was catalysed by Ella's death and the ensuing support, or lack thereof).
A pertinent meeting had been arranged for the weekend past. I was not able to make it, nor did I even see fit to go anyway (my presence there was not vital and actually, not required at this point). But still, for whatever their reason - which is none of my business to even guess - the other party left before Steve and the LGBB turned up to see them. They knew they were on their way. Still, they couldn't stay. I am intrigued, it's only human nature... but I'll probably never know why they did that.
The unrest that is obviously still causing a fracture of sorts here is definitely in the air. Avoidance of the topic is rife. Skirting conversations. Missed calls. All that sort of cloak & dagger stuff which, after two years now, is actually just really so piddly on the grand scale of things that Steve and I find it almost amusing that it keeps getting trundled out. It's like a bloody family heirloom now. The Great Estrangement of '05. But, granted, even while it's not important to me (and I daresay, to Steve either), I am perfectly aware other people involved continue to have a bit of a time getting their heads or hearts around things. Hence the blow-off on the weekend, which (if you ask my narky side) was performed to effectively say "Scuh-rewww YOU, buddy!" but was actually received by us as a rather pissy-sounding deflating balloon.
So I cleared a bit of it. Not sure how much was permitted, I simply did what I could and while I was there, concentrating on purely the situation and the higher selves involved (which I have faith and trust really do project nothing but love towards one another outside of our feuding bodies!). I was shown a big round circle with a central core. Yup. Ok. Whatever that means, I thought. I closed my eyes again and saw colours move from strong magenta, through yellow-ish to orange. I closed off the procedure and came out to the living room.
Looking through the main manual, I could not see the symbol I had visualised - only the first 65 mandalas are actually in this manual; in total, they number in the hundreds, so I was disappointed but not really surprised it wasn't in there. But then, i found this reference chart at the front. It was a tiny thumbnail version of each of the mandalas in the book. And there it was - all scaled down and with great loss of detail (so all the finer interconnecting lines through its middle were not visible), it was Mandala #8: "The Surround of Scope" - the colour of bright magenta (from my vision). In part:
This Mandala is the boundary of social interchange for the growth of one to another. It relates to social respect without control or attachment and provides the bridge from fear towards love of another.You see, the whole thing about it is this: we have felt emotionally manipulated (or attempts to be) and we have had great challenges in standing and speaking clearly of our truth and beliefs, because... well, I won't go into it publicly in specifics, but suffice to say, this mandala speaks directly to this situation. All sides/parties, it seems, have been saying they feel unheard, disrespected, unacknowledge... and this really does create a stalemate if ever I saw one, regardless of my past indignation at the "rightness" of our stance in Our Corner on this issue between us. I read it out to Steve tonight and he was also very impressed with its symmetry with what we have been dealing with. And dare I say, relieved to receive any assistance in shifting and lifting the heaviness of it all as it most squarely rests on his ample shoulders due to its nature.
It is spiritual justice based on evaluation for the sake of truth and emotional honesty...
... Fear of intense feelings - passions, power and anger - are issues which surface our learning platform in the new century, thus allowing our ability to stand and speak directly and clearly of the truth and belief we hold, without fear of repercussive battles of the will and wit which pertail to social expectation or method.
The lesson here is not with individual battles of will and wit, but rather with non-attachment and with a unification towards social respect for one another. This is a time for stillness and quiet, for contemplative renewal of the personal self whilst one avoids harassing or embarrassing motives from another or towards another.
The point is, I think something shifted today. I think I was given permission to shift it. And next time there is an exchange between us in any form, I daresay there will be a change in gear having taken place, if only from our side of the family (for that may very well be all that has happened here and it is a shift that has occurred perhaps for just me and Steve, which is fantastic and all I can hope for really). Seriously, the situation has come to the fore so many times over so many countless months now that hopefully, it's now transmuted into something positive for "next time" an attempt to connect with each other is made.
I used to think, when in my very early learning at Peace Space a few years ago, how the hell could all this come together and why do they keep referring to these ridiculous mandalas and it's all very well that they give me this to read and, yes, it seems to fit and they do make sense... but so? I don't understand how a little drawing and this specific piece of text can actually have just come to them - voilé! - to give me.
But now as I work, symbols sometimes come to my mind that I have never laid eyes on before and when I have looked them up, they are so suited to the purpose or the clearing that I can't keep denying them. And one of the greatest questions I had has now also been answered, for it used to bug me that so much of the Peace Space work seemed tied to the mandalas and I could not accept that, if the whole world didn't have access to them, how could it not just be some great hoodwink? Now I get it. I wouldn't have received these images in my mind before receiving the manuals over the years..... sort of like someone not being able to expect to get sales calls until they have their phone line put in - and someone may very well try and call that number but it's more likely that they'll wait til they know you have your phone line activated to attempt to contact you, won't they?
It's also been very much about gaining more confidence and understanding (not only of my own sensitive abilities but the growing 'bigger picture' view). And not only that, they really are just an extension, an enhancement, of the learning, the tools. Just like a seamstress could still make a dress without a sewing machine, but it's a darn sight easier to do the job with this tool than without.
So with this particular situation, time will tell, I guess. Heaven knows I have enough to occupy my mind while I wait to find out.
