Thursday, November 12, 2009

Say it like you mean it.

Tonight, I got my very first ever unprompted, uncopied and simple...

"I love you, Mumma."

My breath caught in my chest and I drew my little wonder to me as I hugged her goodnight. She cupped my face in her hands and if I was one to burden her with my own stuff and insecurities, I would have blubbered like a baby and put my head on her shoulder, I think. It was so sweet and heartfelt!

I waited 3.5 years, but I know without a doubt that she felt it and has simply said it in her own time. I've told the LGBB I love her, often, she's repeated it back to me (sometimes) but mostly, she just smirks and doesn't return the sentiment. I've never made a thing of it, for then I would be imprinting on her something my mother imprinted on me ("I love you" and "I'm sorry" became two tension-defusing statements I was programmed to use when the air was positively, pathologically icy - I was taught/forced to say them until all meaning became stripped) and I just won't weigh my own daughter down with that sort of guilt tripping.

We've spent such good, fun time together in the past couple of weeks. I seem to enjoy her more each day and, even though this week has felt like we're in particularly close-quarters because we now have everything we own in three small rooms while we extend the house and it's just too cramped for a rambunctious toddler who needs room to run and bounce off walls occasionally, I'm not craving for her to get out of my way like I was when I was run-down and working too hard to someone else's timelines.

So, here I am. Floating, on top of a cloud. My little girl said she loved me with every piece of her happy heart. I feel full tonight, knowing I have obviously also filled her up with love and good things these past couple of weeks. Hahhh, yes, quitting that permanent job arrangement was most definitely a wise idea.

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