Oh, Mr. Hart... what a mess

Have woken this morning with mild dizziness still, especially when I turn and it makes my stomach flip and I have to work at balancing myself (if this is fluid on the ear/an ear infection, then I can well imagine it will do this). It's a weird kind of spaced-out feeling. Don't like it, wish it would go away. Have put a call in to my Homoeopath, hopefully he can shed some light - and help. Aaaaaaanywho, places to be, things to do, blogposts to finish.

So, to Part II.

A few weeks ago, The Guardian Friend* and I were on the phone. She said to me, somewhat confused, "I had a dream last night and I think it was for you." Oh, yeah? What about? "This bus pulled up, full of people, and I got on it. Funny thing is, one of my old teachers from high school was the driver... I don't think that's relevant, really, I think it just set the scene using people I know. Y'know? Anyway, he told me this was not the bus for me and that I should get off."

Curious. We were both curious, actually. I was mock-offended when TGF went on to say she had the feeling, in one way or another, this bus was for me and that I was either the bus driver or I was ("sorry luv!") the bus. Hmph. And I thought I'd been so good at losing weight lately...

So, fast forward a week from that phone call. I went to Peace Space for a day of writing, wandering around their gardens and just soaking up some weak Spring sunshine. I helped with their computers a bit, had long lovely chats with Neri (a woman of about 60 and one of my main confidantes these days) and even managed to have a consultation with Jen.

Like usually, these days, it was part me and part business. And the business of what I am heading into. Which is serious, Light work business - helping with the cleaning and clearing and lifting of dormant and ill positioned energy that's lingered for aeons around the Earth and that we are all contributing to feed into (and feed off of). Just picture me with a bucket, some Ansells on my hands (gloves, not condoms...) and a floral bandanna while I scrub the floor on my knees.

Jen said to me, in opening, "I was there in my house the other day and turned around.... and this busload of people just turned up!" Now, when you speak with Jen, you can never tell (unless you ask specifically) whether she means "people" as in real live people standing in front of her or "people" as in, she-sees-dead-people Allison Dubois style. I didn't ask her to clarify at that point. I was too intrigued by the (totally unprompted by me) reference to a bus load of people, just like TGF's the week before.

Jen continued. "They turned up and I was overcome by this murky, mucky, horrible feeling - I thought, this isn't from me, this is coming from them.... and I think it has something to do with you. You're going to be involved somehow with healing this collective energy."

Now, I sat there, doing what I usually do - which is, not owning up to the enormity of what I can do but that I play down/don't utilise/deny I have any right or ability to do. But then, I thought about it. Whoever these people were, on this bus, whatever it looked like (for I was trying to imagine it, I really was, particularly now that two people - who have never met - in my circle of friends/confidantes had brought it up), I was going to remain consciously open, this time, to helping however I could - consciously aware of it or not - to lift and lighten the load they seemed to be bearing.

I wanted to know who exactly was on the bus but I forgot to ask. We did talk about incest. "It's to do with incest energy," was all Jen clarified.

So, like I often do, I left the meeting with more questions than clear answers - mostly because I didn't come right out and ask (there's my fear of taking on any more "hard work", kind of like being an ostrich with its head in the sand) - and I simply drove home, all two hours' worth, in wonder that some bus full of "incest energy" was floating around and beginning to visit people I knew.

Let's not forget what I went through a few weeks back. Just wanted to add some extra credence to the story at this point, to hopefully illustrate how by going through something we think is sooooo personal that it could not possibly involve anybody else - whether that is bullying at work or in a schoolyard, or fighting non-stop with your kids or partner, or trouble with the in-laws, etc. etc. - we are actually connecting in to a big group consciousness... we are tapping in to that big collective, to all people who (for example) have been involved in an emotionally abusive relationship or bullying. Or incest.

It dawned on me that it was entirely possible, not that I knew how but I just knew it was possible somehow, that the pain and the grief that I felt was more than just mine. In fact, the weekend that it fully hit me, I had an over-reaction of sorts and felt very much like a little kid in someone else's house. This didn't feel like my house, I felt too small and insignificant and in no way felt like an adult at all. As if I'd literally been whipped back to the space in time when I was that little helpless kid, defenseless against an older man's abuse. Was I feeling more than just my horror? Yes... turns out that I was.

And this is what my work is about. In order that I am completely protected while I work, I still have to get better and better at my cross-checks and boundary/perimeter keeping, for I tend to be slack about it still, before I'm really initiated. So I think I am being spared the heavier duty stuff, although it's apparently starting to come in. But in the meantime, regardless, I am becoming far more aware of what goes on - and also where I fit in having these experiences. The best part is, I can help do something for the benefit of the Earth, like many millions of others doing the same thing.

Last week, during Indigo Ray, we were called to do a Passover. I had no idea what that was. Or who/what it was for. But I was willing to contribute my energy to assist the group. We all were. We're all kind of newbies to this, but have been brought together because of what we have to offer as Light workers, discovering and enhancing our abilities. Collectively, I guess we can offer even more.

We stood, backs facing the centre and nobody knowing what to expect, in silence. Our teacher - an awesome girl, I'll call her Tess - said nothing and so I just did as the others were doing. Stood there. All of a sudden, I felt like someone was pushing me in the back. Various places and nothing pointed or sharp - just dull, large shoves of force, kind of like being pushed by groups of fists or flat hands. It was strong, but it wasn't scary and it didn't feel harmful to me, standing there in the room. When I opened my eyes, the circle had dispersed and people had silently begun to take their seats. And I was all, oh, is that it then? Wonder what that weird pushing shit was all about. Oh well.

And that's when Amber, sitting next to me, goes "Uhh..... what the hell was that?? Pushing me in the back so hard I thought I was going to fall forward?" I just grinned and nodded, relieved someone had said it first, "I felt it too." All Tess said to us was, "It was something... not very nice. A big, 'not nice' ball of group energy that needed to be passed over. Removed from the Earth plane." (Tess has a 5 year-old daughter - I guess that's where the simplistic 'not nice' came from, because I'd kind of hoped for a bit more information but didn't want to ask in front of the wider group).

So until yesterday, I had no further clue as to what had happened during this Passover. That was, until I brought it up with Jen again. I asked her what that group energy had been. And she told me it was the people from the bus.

"The bus, who was actually on that bus??" I asked her, not even sure she was permitted to divulge.

"Paedophiles. And victims," she said in a matter-of-fact tone. What, dead ones? I pressed. It was a none too silly question, because as you may well know, a good many living people can leave their energy in a room to fester long after they've gone too!

"Yep, dead ones. And they've all been stuck here for a very long time, because of their sheer guilt. It needed to be moved, it was time. And you helped bring it to the Light, surfaced it with others back a few weeks ago, remember? That's when it started."

Apparently, I was one of many who phoned in to Peace Space that week, in a massive personal crisis over events from our pasts that had begun to come up. There's that collective consciousness happening again. I don't find it any coincidence at ALL, then, to learn that out of the nine people around that table at last week's class, there were five of us who had been affected by incest in one way or another.