Tuesday, September 30, 2008

"Toto.... I don't think we're in Kansas anymore"

Well, Dorothy said it first when she went over the rainbow.

I've gone over ... well, something equally as dominated by colour and have found myself saying "Whoa... this shit is serious."

I am currently in the middle of so far 4+ hour long attack of vertigo - I'm managing to ignore the nausea and am learning to manage it by not making any sudden movements of my eyes or head. After this post, Mr Putie is going away for the night as well, as I really shouldn't be sitting here.

Last Monday I had the first bout of dizziness. I felt like I'd drunk only a bottle of wine last Monday and it didn't wear off (that slightly drunk, struggling to maintain balance when turning on heel, etc.) until Tuesday night. Today, though, I was sitting here stationary, replying to someone and BAM! The effect was more immediate and the volume was more like three bottles of wine. Luckily the LGBB had been in bed for the past half hour so was destined to remain there for at least another two hours. I hastily walked to the front door, locked it, grabbed the phone and dove to the safety of bed and a prostrate position. I discovered, once there, that I could not even close my eyes, let alone shift my gaze at all, or else my brain just started to spin and I'd reel off and feel like I was going to chuck from here to Sunday.

After about an hour, I could at least brave going to the toilet. Which I did. And it was all uneventful. On the way back to bed I made a dash and grab for my laptop, making it back to bed just as a severe wave of nausea hit me. I Googled then. I Googled Menieres Disease. Don't know why, but I did. I know Jen has it. And boy, did/do I feel like one big hypochondriac/copycat all rolled in to one, confessing to her as I did on the phone (she called me during this fiasco I was having) this afternoon that I suspect I have many of the telltale symptoms and uh, what the hell do I do about it and will it go away, ever.

I discovered during my brief search that it can come on after a virus (tick, just had one of those) usually in adults in their 30's (tick), is accompanied by a lengthy period of tinnitis or ringing in the ears (tick and triple quadruple tick, I have always meant to get that checked out, sometimes I feel deaf for the ringing... ooops I am naughty for not following that up several years ago) and starts off with bouts of, for the money shot: Vertigo.

Okay, so this is all self-diagnosed so far. I have no other explanation for these episodes. I've only had two, I'm still in the second one and I hope it's the last. This is actually probably all a once (okay, twice) off. It may very well be something inexplicable or easily explained but that I just will never know the answer to.

Now to make it interesting: this is parallel to the steepest, most mind-bending learning curve I've encountered so far on my journey through the Colour Ray healing procedures/classes. It seems, in hindsight, I've been creating these concentric circles, ever widening my experiences with the colours and expanding my awareness. I'm opening up more and more into my psychic ability - something that you can't learn, as such, but that you can awaken, grow into, accept, discover, hone and use respectfully and responsibly.

I honestly thought my mind was splitting on the weekend. I was pushed to the absolute brink of my own sanity. And still, perhaps maniacally (hey, maybe I'm already blissfully nutty and just refuse to admit it), I refuse to let the bone go. I have the choice, I do not have to do this healing work on myself.... But then, I figure, to stop now is to not know how the story unfolds. Kind of like, if you're really hooked on Harry Potter, read the first 3 books and, even realising there are more in the series, you stop short right there, forever wondering how Harry's path ends. I can't do that. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that whenever I am deeply engrossed in a book, I actually have to fight the urge to read the last sentence on the final page. That's how invested I become.

Part of what I am now discovering about myself is that, hell yeah, there IS palpable, noticeable, very real and present energy in a room or a place. I don't mean to sound like one of those whack psychics on the Sci Fi channel, the ones who go on telly and then serve to perpetuate the stereotype that these people are egotistical, sensationalist, inflammatory. No, no, no. So much of the reason why I still balk at sharing, even here on my little itty bity blog, is that I do NOT want to come across as self-serving, or delusory either. But I figure by now, meh, if I'm mad crazy banshee-woman, at least I'll have been honest in sharing my truth and what I know.

This post is now too long and has rambled so far past the subject I was going to raise - that of incest and how I happened to be involved in raising some of the gunk and dark energy - that i think it calls for its very own post. Which I will do, another day.

Stay tuned.

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