The further I head into this work and face my different realities, the more horribly alone I feel.
The more I isolate and alienate myself.
The less connected I appear.
It frightens me and I want to stop. But to stop would also be to remain part-way in to reaching what I am certain are happier, more soul full and fulfilling times.
I've been at my most productive (and business-wise, profitable) this week for the first time in a long time. And I am tired and mentally, emotionally exhausted this weekend. The weeks on end of being very ill and caring for a sick little girl, whilst maintaining work and juggling a relationship, have all caught up with me and I wish this week I was a castaway on my own desert island. For about 30 seconds, I wish for that. Then decide that, fuck no, I'd still be stuck with me and cripes, I wouldn't last the week. I would want to get away from me so fast it's not funny.
And that's not funny. At the moment, that is what I have to look at.
At the moment, my life feels a tad like "Who's On First" and I don't like it. It all just seems to go round and round and round. My relationships to the people I love, my ability to manage and cope, how I am expressing myself at the moment... it is all being affected, especially the further I head in to my etheric work. It has to be surfaced, though, to be "fixed". I bring with me my baggage, my upbringing, my memories and sights from way back when. I fight the urge to unleash my full rage. My learned rage, which both my parents had and showed. Is this me? No. I am not a rage-filled person. I am not a hate-filled person. But I have come to a crossroads in my healing. A very lonely crossroads. I strike first and ask later, lately. It's built to a very new, very confronting crescendo. And this is all with counselling and stellar support.
I'm on the verge of a breakthrough to further understanding. I know that. I just have to stay convinced and faithful so that I can have the courage to unravel it in order to heal my package of woundedness more.
I hate being in times like these. It just feels so all-consuming and there's nobody safe enough to fall back on/into.
- ► 2011 (182)
- ► 2010 (265)
- ► 2009 (289)
- "Toto.... I don't think we're in Kansas anymore"
- Not all is always as it seems
- My attention span
- Is any of this familiar to anyone?
- Australian Raven
- Hasn't this just got "must-see" written all over i...
- Getting responsible
- Boiled eggs rock our house
- Something in it
- The 'mato Monster
- Am I FUNNY to you?
- Depending on the street
- Mac Daddy: It speaks to me
- Just like that
- A TRILLION dollars mooh-hwahwahwaaaa
- Just have to remind myself
- Sunny Side Up gets all political-like. For a secon...
- Chéz Loléz
- "Talk to my Agent"
- Why I love the people I've chosen to have in my li...
- How To Recreate The Mouth Part
- And so, the opposite of happiness must be...
- Happiness is...
- Never ceasing to intrigue me
- Oil of Vetiver
- Swatch you lookin' at?
- Well.... why not today?
- When even patience doesn't pay off
- Goin' on a bear hunt
- It started today.
- I lost my poor meatball when somebody sneezed
- That voice
- Girls' Day Out
- And now for a proper cut
- Perhaps it's Fathers Day
- ▼ September (36)