Monday, September 29, 2008

Not all is always as it seems

The further I head into this work and face my different realities, the more horribly alone I feel.

The more I isolate and alienate myself.

The less connected I appear.

It frightens me and I want to stop. But to stop would also be to remain part-way in to reaching what I am certain are happier, more soul full and fulfilling times.

I've been at my most productive (and business-wise, profitable) this week for the first time in a long time. And I am tired and mentally, emotionally exhausted this weekend. The weeks on end of being very ill and caring for a sick little girl, whilst maintaining work and juggling a relationship, have all caught up with me and I wish this week I was a castaway on my own desert island. For about 30 seconds, I wish for that. Then decide that, fuck no, I'd still be stuck with me and cripes, I wouldn't last the week. I would want to get away from me so fast it's not funny.

And that's not funny. At the moment, that is what I have to look at.

At the moment, my life feels a tad like "Who's On First" and I don't like it. It all just seems to go round and round and round. My relationships to the people I love, my ability to manage and cope, how I am expressing myself at the moment... it is all being affected, especially the further I head in to my etheric work. It has to be surfaced, though, to be "fixed". I bring with me my baggage, my upbringing, my memories and sights from way back when. I fight the urge to unleash my full rage. My learned rage, which both my parents had and showed. Is this me? No. I am not a rage-filled person. I am not a hate-filled person. But I have come to a crossroads in my healing. A very lonely crossroads. I strike first and ask later, lately. It's built to a very new, very confronting crescendo. And this is all with counselling and stellar support.

I'm on the verge of a breakthrough to further understanding. I know that. I just have to stay convinced and faithful so that I can have the courage to unravel it in order to heal my package of woundedness more.

I hate being in times like these. It just feels so all-consuming and there's nobody safe enough to fall back on/into.

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