Friday, October 24, 2008

The worm turns

I participated in Lime Ray on Wednesday - the Ray of Elimination for Illumination (basically, a lift, sift and sort all your unconscious thoughts - clean out the garbage, so to speak) - and it was confronting and timely for me.

It is not lost on me one iota that I have a virus attacking me. I've become so depleted of energy - my liveliness, my spark, my joy are all verrrrrry close to zero - that I am now unsure what came first: the virus or the deficit.

I am working on changing things. At the end of this month, we are going on a family holiday. I am currently "enjoying swanning around" (read: gaining back some precious, precious time to do all the other bazillion and fifty-million things to be done) while one of my clients is away on a vacation this entire month. I've realised something - well, two things: firstly, you should never ever go away, lest The Bottom Drawer (where you hide all that paperwork you hope nobody ever needs you to action because you forgot to do it as part of that job 6 months ago) be discovered; second, if the first thing doesn't happen, you might just find that your subcontractor decides.... she dun't wanna do your work no more.

This is exactly what's happened. It's been a tough decision and one not made lightly. But, much like in the exerpt I recently shared when I just suddenly thought "Hey you know what? My sanity and spiritual health and wellbeing is far more important than dollars", I came to realise that it is okay to say you want to stop now. That something which started out as part of your survival mechanism could be severed.* How did I dare be so bold? Well, here's how: I just did. I'm going without the floaties now. I don't need them anymore. I've grown out of the skin I was in, newly bereft and rediscovering who I am. Four and a half years later, I have developed a name for myself as a reliable, trustworthy, awesome (if I may be so bold *sniff*) designer amongst my newest clients - and I haven't sought them out, they appear to have fallen out of the sky.

I love creating. I love designing. I love being productive. What served me well once (typing dictaphone manuscripts, hours and endless hours of them now over these past several years) is now damaging my soul. I know that. I've known that for quite some time. All I have to do is look at how burnt my candle is at both ends. I get up some days before 6am purely to make a dint in my client's typing - and still, no matter how many reports I did for him, he sent more and yet more again - and at night, once Steve got home, I am routinely forced back under those headphones (once upon a time, my solace, feeding my sense of professional self-worth). I don't need it anymore. I am actually shuddering having to take it back on just for the amount of time it will take my client to find a replacement. Eeek. Let's not think about that now though.

Damnit, I've prattled on so much about this (who knew I was THAT repellant to the typing??) that I have now created a mega-monster post. And my whole point has not even been reached. So I think I shall start a new one. Anew. Yes. A word of which to take heed *taps side of nose*

* for this is one of my very first "proper" clients, having set up and done his work since April 2004 - my business was officially started in March of that year...... I still reel at the timing, for it had felt like so very long since I had lost Ellanor, when in fact, it had been little more than a month... so bizarre, how drawn-out it felt at the time - in fact, I lost what "time" meant, in reality, for after her there was no concept of "time" to me, for the longest time

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