Monday, July 28, 2008

Cold feet

I've had extremely cold (ice block cold) feet and, in particular, toes for nearly two weeks now. The symbolic nature of this physical discomfort doesn't escape me.

For the past week solid, I have spent my time ensuring my feet don't get too cold but it never works. Guaranteed, at some point during the day, I will suddenly realise my toes are snap frozen. The LGBB thinks it's mighty funny that mummy has her feet in a bucket of really warm water. But it's been the only way to get them back to normal temperature, before putting on two pairs of socks and house slippers. And sometimes, even all that has not deterred the circulation from scarpering.

You would think, being on aspirin AND vitamin E (which has similar, if not slower acting, blood thinning properties), that my circulation to my feet would be pretty hunky dory. It hasn't been lately.

I had just slipped back into bed this morning after a(nother) toilet stop and thought how cold one can get so quickly when out of bed. I tuned in to my feet and the familiar pangs of icy pain were there. Yet they warmed up fairly quickly once I was back under the covers.

That's when I remembered last night's dream. I lay there feeling so calm and ready for today. Scan day. For what happened in the dream was that I had been given, by unknown but caring hands, the comfiest, warmest, most snug pair of slippers and as I slipped my feet into them, I recall exclaiming, "These are for me, I'll take these ones." I knew in my dream that they would keep my feet warm.

To me, this is indicative of my subconscience readying me for whatever I am to discover today. I am not saying this dream represents that things will be fine with the baby, not by a long shot. What I am saying is that despite the outcome, I have been prepared for this all along. I'm well looked after, even if I feel like it's too much and I can't cope with whatever has to happen.

Why do I always forget this, though, and spiral into the whirlwind of thoughts going on in my head? If I could just remain focused on what I do know, I am sure I could be far more graceful in this life.

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