So much to say...

And about zero energy to say it.

I went and did Magenta Ray today. This is my colour. The one that most resonates with me, the path I walk, the lessons of it pretty much represent my journey.

Its main key point? Magenta delivers a lesson again. And again. And again. "Do you get it? Do you get it? Do you get it?" Are we there yet? Sounds vaguely familiar in relation to .... oh, I don't know, MY ENTIRE LIFE????

It is Mother love, universal love, unconditional love. I was on track for a while there, a few years back, but somewhere between then and earlier this year, I lost my way. I got side-tracked in cynicism and ill-positioned energy and really let myself down. It was all learning. I am different again now. I feel balanced. In this state, I can see how far I have come and can very clearly welcome the work back in with open arms this time.

I first did this colour in 2003. Three months before I got pregnant with Ellanor. It took me two more years to pick up any more of this kind of work, as Magenta scared me off it all so. This time was entirely different for me. It felt like a coming-home of sorts and I loved every page, even though it is one of the biggest colours to integrate.

I will write more on it sometime. I will. All in good time. For now, I am coping with rising fear about this sinking feeling in my belly. I had only just today begun to let myself say, ever so tentatively, that I think it'll all end up in a baby this time. But now I am fighting my brain to keep the garish visions out of my head. I sit here on the couch willing ANY other thought into my head so that I can try and ease my body. I'm tense. As if I'm waiting for that familiar "bang" and ensuing pain that has heralded my post-implantation miscarriages over the years.

GAHH. I'm so tired.