Monday, July 21, 2008

How can I do this?

Simple. I am just going to have to. Have apparently 'made my bed' and hoooooo boy, am I lying in it.

I speak of the going-out-of-my-mind-with-this-pregnancy thing. Currently, I have that kind of sinking feeling that I seem to have when I've got my period. Like on about day two of it. When the pain that's been there for the past 24-48 hours straight suddenly lifts and it gives my tummy such welcome, light relief that it feels like it's floating. In a blissfully pain-free cloud.

Well, I don't know why I'm having that sensation now and it's making me (even more) nervous. I know, on the other hand, that feeling 'nothing' there right now is good. Oh so good. I don't want pain *cringes, recoils away from the thought* Heaven knows, I do NOT want the physical or emotional pain of one more miscarriage. And now that I am this far along, well... it looks like I am in for some sort of pain, regardless of how far I get. See? This is what I am reduced to deducing these days! It shouldn't be looked on like this. But for me, yep, this is what I do. Where my mind goes.

I haven't got my period. Obviously. But this lightening is unnerving. It's still there. I'm so sorry, baby, I plan to give you a break, I do. If only you'll be there next week and I can see you're okay for myself. Until then, I am not analysing every twitch and murmur, but I can say that I am consciously working overtime to try and relax the muscles around my uterus because it feels like it is in knots. I am anxious. Anxious about something I never knew I wanted until it was rehanded to me on a platter. Again. For the how-manyeth time???

Oh dear. Sorry. Bleat endeth. I just literally have nowhere else to put thoughts like this.

Aaaaaaaand.... big sigh out.

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