Sunday, December 7, 2008

Internet, I just found a lump

Oh no.

I'm sitting here trembling with my pulse throbbing in my neck. It's a familiar, horrible foreboding feeling.

I was just patting Pepper out in the sun, musing as I did about the fact that this past fortnight, the old girl has really slowed down. She's stopped joining me and Jazz for Fight To The Death ball chases in the backyard, isn't interested in nipping her young charge into line at meal or inside times and Steve and I have both witnessed her using the younger dog as her "ears". You can stand right behind her and call her name firmly and she doesn't even move her ears back. Yup... as a doorpost.

And then I felt this immovable, tennis ball-sized lump. Right at the base of her ribs, in her belly. I'm calling the vet first thing tomorrow.

I knew it would come, I have been bracing myself for months - many's the time recently when I've had to look closely to see if her tummy is rising and falling because, y'know, sometimes she just looks like she's slipped off peacefully to some paddock in the sky. We've had her since 1995 and she wasn't a pup then. She is an old, old lady. She used to be so clued onto what was going on for me, and I still have glimpses of it - she senses when I'm really in need of a big ol' hug and she still gives them...

I'm sorry I have been wishing away the time, half-jokingly, that we don't have to worry about you mauling Jazz anymore. I'm sorry I can't trust you with Lolly (she loves you SO much and calls you a teddy dog). I'm sorry I haven't taken you for more walks, just you and me like we used to. I'm sorry, Pep. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Bah. Going to stop. About to have a big old cry. Please don't let this be the start of it. Please let it be nothing serious. Not my girl :(

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