Sunday, May 1, 2011


I'm sitting here on an overcast, still, slow Sunday evening.

I was afforded some time today to stay close to my manuscript and work on the tricky end chapters of Part 1. They're tricky because I am chopping what is close to my heart, yet not so necessary for the flow of the book. My diary entries that I wrote each day (sometimes twice a day) beside Ella's side in the NICU. The reader doesn't really know - although they would have guessed by now - that they are barreling towards the sad end.

The LGBB and her Dad arrived home from a spot of swimming just before. Lolly walked in announcing she was going to watch "her" ABC (goodness, the marketing certainly works) with the headphones on. She started up her account where all her safe internet and program options may be found, and she started one of her favourite shows: Dirtgirlworld.

So I've got these two realities going on. Once again. Feeling closer to my lost newborn because that is where my head has been all afternoon, and yet closer in proximity to this young person who has sprung up seemingly before my very eyes and has raced at lightning speed through newborn, baby and toddler stages to now command the iMac like she was born knowing how.

I'm looking at the back of this gorgeous girl's head. Appreciating her so very, very much. Wanting to tear up, but not needing to. Giggling at the sight of art imitating life in this photo (I put her hair up like this so it wouldn't go in her eyes when she was swimming... I wonder if that's why Dirt Girl's mum did her hair like that).

Loving her. Loving her, too. And loving him.

He's cooking dinner so I can stay in my split world tonight.

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