"I searched other people’s babies for any sign of my own. Really looked at them, tried to look right into them to get a connection, any connection, but there was none. No one else’s baby was my baby and nobody, not even another baby of my own, could ever have filled the indescribable void. I didn’t want anyone else. I wanted Ella. And I knew she was gone. So nothing else seemed important. Not my physical comfort, not my relations with others. Not my life. I felt somewhat invincible at this time.
It's little wonder that suicide crossed my mind often in the first three months after losing her. I don't know just how to convey the depths of my despair. Material possessions were ridiculous to me, relationships with others.... well, for the most part I honestly thought they'd be relieved if I wasn't here anymore - no more awkward silences, no more having to be mindfully careful about what they said or complained about in their own lives when talking with me - and the thought that I had to live out my days (presumably decades of it still to come) with Ellanor not sharing our lives just seemed too impossible for me to bear thinking about.
I would literally sit on the edge of my bed and think about how long I had to be (wait) here now without her. There was no other baby in sight. I had no children here to live "for", I felt absolutely trapped. And I wasn't terrified of the thought of leaving. Retrospectively, that's the part that shocks me the most."
I have some questions for you, and you lurkers to this blog too - obviously, for the purpose of me getting the book to its latest "helpful for any and all readers" stage, it would brilliant if you could share your responses (either in comments or send an email via my profile), but it's good enough for me if the following questions simply get you thinking further, even if you don't let on... it's kind of all the same :) and ultimately, what my book is all about. Getting people thinking.
What does this paragraph say to you?
What comes up for you, reading it? Are you uncomfortable, do you consider your own mortality, are you surprised someone could want to end their life because they've lost a son/daughter they hardly knew?
Are you uncomfortable that someone could look at your baby that way and imagine their own, deceased baby? How is that for you?
Do you feel exposed/unprotected/confronted?
If you have lost a child, does it ring true for you? Could it have more added to it?
In my ongoing quest to make this book "universal", I would love to hear from you - I can go further and say more, go deeper, and I can certainly weed sections like this and say less. I'd appreiate the feedback, particularly from those of you who I know read and have lost a baby.
So, my thanks to you in advance, if you're up for sharing your opinion.
