Monday, November 17, 2008

Still trying to tell myself

It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to keep doing the same mistakes, no less, over and over.

But is it? Is it okay? Once you recognise what you're doing, wouldn't a sane person stop torturing themselves by continuing to make the same blunder over and over?

On Wednesday, I'm going up to Peace Space again. This month is Amber Ray. I realised today with a bit of an intake of breath that I am up to the colour that poses the greatest question to me, the biggest mystery. My keenest hope of understanding my purpose, and that of Ella's (and our involvement together), resides in this colour ray. Long, long, long before I even started dipping in to the learning on offer at Peace Space, I had that dream - surely you've all browsed this story, where I quote the part of my dream that has intrigued me for over five years now.

"It is the place of coming, It is the Amber Connection, It is for the children". That's what he said.

All I really know of Amber Ray is that it pertains to the astral level of our 'spheres. That our incessant, human (humane and inhumane) thinking - idle thinking, positive thinking, negative thinking, towards ourselves and others - is all sitting as a murky mess of matter above our heads. I believe it sits just outside the Earth's stratosphere?? Outside of the air we breathe, but close enough to make one helluva big impact on the vibration of the Earth as a whole. People/living things who come and go all have to get through this quagmire.

I know I have been challenged greatly this past fortnight with remembering what my thoughts are doing. Who they are turning towards, what I am thinking about them. I didn't realise that Amber was coming up until Saturday and since then, I have been kicking myself even harder for turning my thoughts towards one person in particular.

How much time and energy I have wasted in the belief that somebody out there was, if not "doing it all" better than me then at least well and truly denying any imperfections. As a world has come crashing down somewhere (a world within a world) and a family is picking up shattered pieces, I am looking at the situation differently. Theirs was not idyllic. And it was none of my business to continue to cater to that assumption in my own mind. I have lost days and nights with my guessing that "happy families" were being played.

I slap myself today as I am at the same time mildly relieved, shocked but not all that shocked at the same time, and ultimately really sorry for all the players involved. I have no right to think anything of it (although it is hard because it involves people I have felt wronged by in the past so I am now feeling somewhat like some weird score has been won) and as is human nature, I have judged, I have listened, I have formed opinions behind closed doors. I'm not perfect, that I can say loudly.

But I do know what I am responsible for, including my conscious thoughts and what they are contributing to. It's time to own up to that responsibility.

Who are you thinking about? And what are you thinking towards them?

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