Saturday, July 3, 2010

Honestly, now

If someone said to you, "I got to know my daughter before she was conceived".... how would you react? What is your initial gut-response?

While I have experienced that amazing way to have a relationship, it's like I want proof myself that it all actually happened - all I have are my memories and the blessed fact that I shared much of our conversations with people around me (I discussed this with Steve, with a few family members and so forth while I was going through it, thankfully, so it's not all new to them). And you know what? I was hanging out for the day when Ella would be old enough so I could ask her if she had any recollection of it all. She was so bloody in-tune with her ESP, I thought surely she'd be able to spin me out! As it turns out, I have Lolly who is touched by a similar brush to her sister, but wouldn't you know it, she remained the purse-lipped poker player the ENTIRE pregnancy and well into her first year. Now, of course, she has proven, in her own unique and innocent way, her abilities - she is guarded as a mystic where I think Ella is so much more accessible and open and perhaps why I had such different relationships with both the girls as I carried them.

Sometimes, I feel like I haven't taken any steps at all - even though, of course, I know I have - for I still shy away from "admitting" this part of my story with Ellanor. Our way of communicating is written plainly, and discussed frankly, in the book. But when I think about the wider world out there, and of telling anyone in it what I went through (communicating with Ella before she was even a speck of material matter), I honestly feel like folding my laptop slowly and stepping away from the entire project.

I am afraid of people not "believing" me. Can you believe it??!! After all this time, I am still afraid of this. More personal work to do. Obviously. And here I was, thinking editing was my major concern!

I watched The Lovely Bones, finally, the other night. I had read the book about three years ago and knew I would have to brace myself to see the movie, because so much of the way that little girl lives alongside her family is so, so achingly familiar. It's confronting to watch it, in live action, so plainly illustrated on film.... and how can it be, that this story-teller, Alice Sebold, could know so much about how I gathered Ellanor's existence to be? Around us, but unable to be seen or heard? But then, sometimes I have heard her - since her death - just not as often as before she was born. Because now, I suppose, our relationship is so changed. Before, she was this unrealised entity. A funny, bold, graceful, ideology of love and joy. Now, she is first and foremost my daughter - not quite so freeing, that relationship, for I wanted for the longest time to hold on tight to the memory of her in her tiny baby body - and our work/unity together has been affected and effected by her death and my growth.

Hahhhhhhh. I dunno. Sometimes, I just don't know if I can hold up to the disbelieving wider world. This blog is one thing, one comparatively miniscule audience. "Out there", I feel protective of what I know. On the other hand, and ultimately, though, I am not honouring all she has shown me if I don't keep going.

Can't I stop now? I want my blankie and intravenous thick hot chocolates and a big comfy armchair while I decide.

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