Thursday, March 18, 2010

Song choice: Have you found yours?

I had a disturbing dream last night. And it wasn't just because I was singing - heartfelt - and people were listening. No, no. Far worse than that, I was .... ostracized for it.

One person in particular (and it was a real person in my life, someone who has been a figure of fracture to me - an energy that made no effort to hide her disdain of me when she and I were acquainted, years ago) got up and eyeballed me as she sneered, "THAT sounds ridiculous," before laughing callously, her breath hitting my face.

I was shaken. But not as much as I have been in the past. I recognised this figure for what she represents to me, now, in my waking life: the naysayer. The one who uses belittling and a self-assumed role of authority and power over those they deem weaker, when really, it is all done out of fear of what they don't know or won't uncover for themselves. I've been around the traps long enough now to see that those who do the biggest name-calling and have the highest and mightiest of judgemental horses are those who have the farthest to fall. All of which, of course, is both in their power to change and my power to not engage with (leaving them to go on their merry way, whatever that way is).

So here I was, the memory of her breath in my face, having belted out the Song Of My Life. I could make out the fuzzy heads of the crowd behind her. It was as if I had a spotlight on me, calling all my beliefs into question - that kind of light that hides no flaws, it is an unforgiving but ultimately truth-finding light - and her face was so close I could see the outline of the tiny hairs on her face [heh-heh, she had facial hair....]. I tried to speak up to defend myself and found the words didn't come out.

I woke up instantly and was a bit miffed I hadn't had a chance to say what I had been thinking, which was along the lines of, "Well I think it sounded good and it's the song I chose. You don't have to like my song, or the way I sing. But this is how I sing and I wouldn't change it even if I could."

But then I realised... I didn't actually have to make those points to that person, that representation of all the naysayers I've met in my life and all the rest I haven't met or probably won't even find out about (let's face it, if you write to a blog, your potential audience is going to be vast and often fleeting).

They always bang on about "song choice" on those Idol shows. That this is the most crucial part (well, that and a good voice helps). But I would say, quite a lot more important than this is, not being afraid to sing it.

It reminds me so much of that gorgeous movie, Happy Feet, much of which I really didn't like at first - I was so adamant to despise Nicole Kidman's Norma Jean to Hugh Jackman's Memphis. But despite myself, this one message stood out to me so much that it kicked me in the gut. Or, wait.. that could have been Lolly, for I was eight months' pregnant with her at the time. Funnily enough, we used to call her Happy Feet when she was a baby because she would jig up a storm, usually on the change table. And my biggest wish for her to come out of that time was that she be willing and able enough in her life to find her song.

So, I hope whatever you're doing in your life, this moment, that you are standing by your Song Choice - your life path - and really singing it. With loads of heart and a shitload of conviction. If you're not.... could it be that you have not yet truly found your song? And if not,

What are you waiting for??!!

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