Thursday, October 1, 2009

Seeing the light vs desperation to get out

Every time I am away from my blog, my mind is heavy with things I have to say. Then I get back here and *vooop* they all just vanish.

So. With that in mind, I guess this is going to be one of those dogs' dinners of thoughts all piled in together. The Bubble and Squeak post, if you will.

This past fortnight or so, I have been holding the energy (or rather, assisting my teacher to hold it) of etheric transfusion. In a nutshell, so far it seems to be a very, very positive experience that involves simply placing yourself in a space of 'wait' and trust, in order for transposition of old gnarled thoughts and learned processes to evolve into something more close to your true soul purpose (as opposed to beating the drum that has been how you were raised/taught/"wired" from external influences). It's much more than this, but I am rushing and paraphrasing like a madwoman. I am busier than I've ever been before, am juggling so much right now in my personal, work, family and social lives, and yet I am taking it all on, one bite at a time.

I remember times past when such converging would have sent me under in a hurry. But at the moment, I feel enveloped somewhat by the knowledge of whomever it is Upstairs that arranges these passages is keeping me steady. I often have the image of the sport, curling, in my head to imagine what could be going on.

With my own set of sweepers, then, I'm inching forward in my life at the moment. I'm having clarity about my maternal line, I'm seeing things there quite clearly and also watching with interest how these unlockings are happening in my own brain. My wiring, if you will. It is opening things up like Spring sunshine and air in a dusty, closed up room.

I recall times over the years when I would say to Steve, in sheer desperation, that I had to "get out". This meant different things at different times. Sometimes it meant "out" of our relationship, once we were married it sometimes meant "out" of the marriage. Often it meant "out" of the prison-like walls of our house (because, like so many modern homes, it was a home that filled the block it was on and I felt thoroughly stifled, not being able to see anything on the horizon - literally - and only able to look at neighbours' roofs or up to the sky). I wanted to move, for years. The first opportunity that presented itself was a 1/3 acre block of land on a huge hillside with 180ยบ + views. Change much? Mmm hmm, I thought it was. I was 28 weeks' pregnant with Ella when we began talks with the builder, both Steve and I very excited that we would be moving not long after the long-awaited arrival of our Ella-bubble.

The profit we made on the sale of that block (for neither of us could even contemplate moving there without her after she died) was more than double. We used that money in two parts: the obvious plan to us was to use it to adopt a child. Sooooooo much red tape there that it was then that I succumbed to trying IVF. PGD to be exact. Much of what we earned on the block went into just the first cycle, nearly $20,000 in fact. What a lot to, literally, lose down the drain, huh? But it was a choice we made. And it kept our sanity intact for 2005 through an incredibly trying and gruelling succession of personal grievances and realisations, as a couple and as individuals, until our saving grace came along.

We also decided at this time to renovate our existing kitchen - "it's the heart of any home, you're giving your home a heart transplant!" my dear, sweet SIL said to me before looking at me, horrified, at what she thought was a blunder.... my breath had caught in my throat when she said it, but not because I was offended. It was a realisation. It was something we - Steve and I - needed to do for ourselves, for our ongoing survival, if we were to stay in that same home that had, now, so very many boggy memories of pregnancies lost. The concept of a house's kitchen being the "heart" of the family, and the fact we were facelifting ours, was more poignant to us because of Ella's heart defect.

Where am I going? I don't know.... Ummmm! I feel pressed for time but urged to tell you more.

Might just let this sit and see what happens, eh?

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