Saturday, October 24, 2009

The post without a title in your RSS

I have this friend at the moment who is presenting a lesson for me. It got me thinking yesterday, as I mopped the floors (oooh don't I sound all domesticated), about how people present themselves in my life in order for me to gather information - not so much about them, for that happens as a matter of course and friendship, but for me in learning about who I am and how I act and react, how I "hold up" I guess. And how centred I am. This learning is synoymous with the colour Red.

It's an interesting thing I have come to recognise. Where once I never realised how many similar friends I had in my circle, whom I would allow to sap, push, pull and mould me, I can now see a definite course through my (at least adult) life; that there are those who have been a familiar "type" and these are the ones who always used to undo me at 10 paces.

In my learning at Peace Space (in both the 13 Human Perceptional Levels/colour rays and the Masters Colours, which go even deeper into learning), I've come to see that we get tested. We are given tests of agility, stamina, how sound is our will.... and sometimes, the test feels endless: "Have you got that yet? Have you got that yet?" That is, mostly, the colour Magenta supporting you through this (also the colour of mother love, unconditional universal love), the one that will be recognisable within these lessons and be that 'cruel to be kind' teacher. Hey, it's no coincidence my username (elsewhere) is what it is. It is a constant reminder, to me, that my journey to parenthood was a "Got it yet??" series of agonising months and years stringed together. And that it wasn't merely about how well I held up while we waited and lost, waited and lost, over and over. No. There was untold learning in my lesson/s during that stage of my life. Hence, my online moniker in certain communities. How many of you'se just thought it was cutesy? Eh *taps nose* ;)

So I have this friend here. And I am keen to rush in and do and say what I normally would. Take the current crisis on as partially my own to carry with that friend, I suppose. But I have seen a pattern in the crises, as well, and I can't ignore that. I'm left pondering the ebbs and flows of people reaching out (and whether they are really asking for help or simply needing to be heard) and what my duty to not only them, but to myself, I have in my role as friend.

It's an interesting thing, sitting still. OOH, gosh, I just realised something about that previous post and the card the LGBB gave me. Hmmmmm, maybe there was something not so random in that after all! Because I spent much of the afternoon yesterday, while I was cleaning, thinking about not necessarily this friend but how my inaction may be perceived and that I just let it be as it will be this time, without rushing in to smooth things over or defend myself for not giving more and all the rest of it.

Preservation of the Self first. It's the most important thing, more important than giving, to me (for giving comes so naturally that I have had to recognise it)* - I have come to see that, since Ellanor came along. One of the biggest lessons for me out of losing her. Me, looking out for me. I never really did it before knowing her. And if she had stayed, I still wouldn't have done it. Not that it's a good enough reason, on its own, to lose my child. Of course! But it's definitely in that suitcase of gifts that I rummage around in. I've tried so many things on from that suitcase and almost everything fits so far. What a lucky girl am I, to have it.

Have you ever found yourself waking up and realising you have unwittingly become a rescuer? What did/do you do? What's your pattern? (You can email me if you like, if you want to share but not online - I'm always ears... er, eyes...)

* not that I've quite got that lesson, for I still don't always recognise what I give and when, although I do now notice the sapping/draining/leeching of energy feeling and, I regret to say, sometimes that happens with my posts here which is why I often don't post what I was going to, when I really need to conserve my energy is when you see a barrage of funny posts here.

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