Thursday, February 26, 2009

Just so we're all clear...

I tend not to write about the shittier side of things here. This post is not one of those posts.

I'm going through a patch. A crisis patch. It's so much less than what others are going through, I know, but this is my turf, this is my method (or lack) of coping, this is my brick wall. The one I keep butting my head against.

It's so ridiculous that I feel so incompetent simply because my house is a mess. I mean, for the past week, I've had two new leads, a new client place an order already (printing and a website), done three auditing assignments (my other 'line of business'), had three existing clients contact me and request updates, upgrades and alterations, I've begun a database to streamline the Peace Space work (which I am working on after hours to get it finished, something I am doing as a contra deal so it must be done). As well as this, I've used up whatever energy I have left in seeing the LGBB right for interesting and nutritional meals and snacks, a couple of outings, some projects at home..... she's a full time day job in itself. She's dropped her day sleep for over a week now and I am starting to really feel it. I'm grinding to a halt and yet still, still I feel like I am not a) doing enough and b) doing it "right".

I'm pissed off at myself that I can't even make jelly properly. I tipped the crystals into a bowl that I forgot had (clean) water in it that I hadn't needed for the curry I made tonight.

I'm pissed off with Pyrex for creating stupid glass pouring measuring jugs that spill whatever you're pouring onto the bench and not into the bowl. Why? WHY?

I'm pissed off that I can't be everything all at once, is what it boils down to. I feel really angry (at myself) that I can't 'keep house' the way I'd like - ha ha ha *she says with a dry laugh* not even close - and can't even seem to manage keeping the kitchen clean some days. I know it's probably only a few days out of the entire week when I don't get a chance to do dishes, put even the basic things away, but it feels like day after day after day of the same. Damn. Thing.

Namely, me feeling so overwhelmed that I am plunged yet again into a depressive state.

I'm going to blame, just this once, my mother. And hell, my father too. The people I learned from. I am working very, very, VERY hard to reverse the damage caused by growing up in my childhood house. In the meantime, I am flogging myself for not being the kind of mother I envisaged I would be. The one who stops and takes time - every day, not just three or four out of the 7 - and is basically available for her young charge. Whatever she fancies.

But try as I might, once I put myself in that position, I dunno... I only last a couple of days feeling all zen before SNAP!!!! I just flip out at the LGBB. She demands and demands and demands. I call it The Demand-athon because it really is like a running, never ending list of things I am being called on to provide. And I, like anyone, have my limits.

Add to this the fact that we, Steve and I, have very firm ideas/ideals about the kind of person we hope the LGBB will turn out to be. She is considerate of others, empathic already, but inside the home, she seems to be exercising her strong will more and more and more. It is wearing me out (or down).

I don't want laughs here. Please..... don't laugh 'with' me if you feel compelled to comment. I am purging right now. It goes against every grain in my body to admit my faults - and there are many of them - as a parent. Especially one with the added guilt and pressure (placed on me squarely by myself first and foremost) of mothering after loss and such a struggle to even get ONE child here. But yeah.. walk a mile in my shoes and all that.

I resent my mother. I resent her for not being competent enough to support me EVER in my adult, let alone adolescent, life. She's here, alive and well, but unreachable. Even if she was in my life, she would be of no use. Believe it's not true if you will, but you would have to know her to really understand that. I get angry that I have to make do with just us, basically. Me and Steve. I get angry that I was never shown the proper skills to look after myself - to balance - properly. I'm paying for it now. And yeah. Some days, like this one, I'm resentful. Writing this out, I'm calming down. Surely it's obvious by now, that writing is my life/wheel alignment. At least I have expression.

He gets home of a night when I'm like this and just receives the full force of my atomic blow. It's not fair on him. I don't want to be this unattractive to him. Add to it all the fact that I am in the process of changing my old punishment/reward habits (of snacks and too much alcohol) by getting fit and healthy and stopping with the excuses and.... I feel like I have no safety net right now.

It'll pass. It always passes and I have faith that it will. It's hard, I know it's hard. It gets harder, I know it gets harder. I oscillate between wanting out and realising this is just me having a major adult tanty. Please allow me the floorspace to do it here, somewhat more safely than taking it out on anyone right in front of me. Far healthier, methinks.

For today, though, see me in my ugly form: The Stressed Out Mother/Wife/Business Owner/Friend

*deep breath in aaaaaaand* Ahhhhhhhhh. Thank you. Now I can go finish dinner for them.

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