Monday, August 11, 2008

Didn't we have fun while it lasted...

Well, there we have it. Pregnancy number 6 to make it into the second half of the first trimester. The third missed miscarriage. And my twelfth pregnancy in total.

I found out today with Dr Unflappable that the baby hasn't grown even a millimetre in the past fortnight. Ho, but the placenta has! What joy it would be to pass at home. So, thanks but no thanks, I'm having a curette on Wednesday.

My head is high, my tears haven't reached the surface yet. I am looking at my little Lolly (gobble bliss bomb) as some sort of unbelievable, unimaginable how-the-fcuk-did-she-get-here miracle. Cannot stop gazing at her this afternoon.

And I miss Ellanor. SO, so, so much more in these past hours since finding out. Ah... here come the tears. Good. Better out than in. All round.

Steve and I are planning hard. He's home with me now. Doing dishes, no less. We're planning big Ebay sells of our hoarded baby stuff (it was in the wings/on the shelf anyway, but had to be put on hold just til the outcome of this little one was known) and want the extension completed within the next year.

I always had an inkling in my mind's/intuitive eye that Lolly would be at least four - I always thought she'd be four - when our next child made its way here. Strange that this has panned out like this. Because I have to say, given that I am about to go through yet another bloody procedure and more general anaesthetic and recovery, I do NOT want to have any more little oopsies. That's two this year. And we've pretty much only had sex twice (or so it seems like).

Great hit rate, you may ruefully think. But I say.... what is the friggen point? I am yet to accept that I seem to be some sort of human experiment or poster girl for pregnancy loss. That is how I see myself. I have to make sense of my losses in order to process them, mentally, emotionally, physically. Not in a "it was meant to be" way or "this was my lesson here, here and here" way. More a "this is not going to beat me, I will learn with each loss how to keep standing back up on my feet no matter if it feels it may slay me for good." This is always how it has felt (to me).

But come ON. This is just losing for losing's sake now.

Thank you all, anyway. Just for being "out there".

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