Welcome to my new look!

Well, you won't get this effect if you use a Feeder to read my blog... so get on over 'ere and see the changes! (just this once)

First, I set about making all the flowers (from scratch) and added layering and effects to them so they were sort of scrap-booky. I'm not a scrapbooking gal, not heavily into it, for there are other addictions that sap up all my time and a lot of my creative productive time along with them. But by nature, I would for SURE be right into it, given half a free day here and there each week.

Then, I created the background. A filter here, a gradient there, whack in some overlaying and... well, perhaps I ought to think twice about my betrothal to Russell because I tell ya, Photoshop would give 'him' a run for his money, actually.

I'm so excited, I've never pushed myself to stick at getting a design done for my blog. But I got all inspired and spent last night and some of this morning on it, tweaking it (fiddly little things! it took quite a bit of playing around to get it looking spiffo for min and max screen sizes and resolutions) and now, why, you can even go to my business website by clicking on my logo in the top left corner - hey, every other bloggy background designer does it, so why not add a little free advertising for myself, right?

Ahhhh. Now I can pay attention to the other 4,002,367 things needing to be done.

Unless..... one of you tells me something's NQR with it. Can you all see it okay? Is it doing anything weird? Wait. Maybe it's best I don't know.... No, tell me!

Book update

Steve and I learned very suddenly that we could not, and did not have to, hold a promise to anybody. All bets, as far as we were concerned, were off. Our baby girl’s death was proving to be the bright light that shone into every ugly, preferably left dark and uncovered, corner of not only our marriage but our relationships with loved ones around us. It felt far more real on the one hand, but on the other it was quite scary and confronting when we weren’t controlling that light.
There didn’t seem any option but to grasp this new, more honest way and we used it to clean up the mess we hadn’t even realised was around us. And it was arduous, challenging, very scary work. But we simply dug in deep and did what we needed to survive the days and that first alternately long yet lightning-fast year. “No going back now”, we would both say to each other, often.

This is an extract from one of the more "tricky" chapters I've found to be written.

So tricky, in fact, that I toss and turn at night about them. Am I saying too much? Am I not saying enough? Am I capturing the essence of what I really want to say? Is it all lost in words?

I'm most of the way through the latter chapters I have down on screen in the manuscript so far. I headed in to them (post-memorial, which is around chapter 14 for memory), assuming to be ditching if not whole chapters, then at least big sections left, right and centre.

Thing is..... since I made some changes and moved the order of the components of these last four chapters around - it was my goal last week to get the timeline of our story corrected because I jumped around a bit which was confusing to readers, according to the feedback - it now flows so well that I am stuck again with thinking it all needs to be left in!

My announcement on the weekend about "news" pertaining to the book was going to be focused on the removal of these chapters (or most of their contents). I felt finally ready, freed, of any need to voice and vent and justify why, how and when I felt wronged, hurt and betrayed. Ummm... I think it's all staying in.

I'm nervous. But yeah. I think it's all in. NOT that this is my final ruling! Farken 'ell, I can't make up my mind (obviously).

In other exciting book news, I think I may have an editor! She's a friend of a relative, off on maternity leave, her field of expertise more than qualifies her to cast a critical eye over my book and its specific subject matter (shall we say, without giving too much away, given that I haven't firmed things up with her yet).

Okay, so I'm nervous AND excited. I don't know what I was ever expecting. I mean, I knew the day/year would come. But now I've got Steve in one ear gently pushing/guiding that my "next step" ought to be to secure an editor if not a publisher/agent, and things falling into place just ahead of my next "decision-time" that only serves to confirm this is all happening at exactly the right pace.

Yesterday, I wandered into the local oogidy-boogidy shop as I've done many times before and there, after my asking, I found the most amaaaaaaazing pieces of mookite stone!! Little pocket-sized working pieces. I bought three. I thought it was perfect time for this productive stage I'm finding myself in with the book. I've already been advised that this stone is very pertinent to my work. To find it in the week when my book is picking up speed towards the finishing chapters.... well, it's not lost on me.

Synchronicity, people. That's what I'm looking out for to guide me here. Synchronicity.

Nine months

That's how long it took me to believe she wasn't going to leave me too. I remember walking in and seeing the LGBB propped on our bed like this (don't look at our mismatched pillowcases, orright?) and feeling it like a hit to the stomach: "Oh wow.... A baby. I'm seeing the vision I never thought I'd see - our baby, in our home, on our bed."

I spent the remainder of the first year of Lolly's life still astounded she had come.

I don't actually think I will ever stop giving thanks.

No fireworks, but a fire memorial

We arrived last Saturday night back at the festival for the fireworks, as duly promised to the LGBB. After a ride on the "Round-round" (that's what she calls ferris wheels) with Mummy and Aunty Nic, we took our places with the gathering crowd down at the edge of the sports field.

What we were greeted by was a most poignant and fitting tribute to the many lives lost (and threatened) in the recent spate of fires across our state. We stood in the crowd as people cheered, cried, clapped and called out their "THANK YOU"s to the hundreds of volunteer men and women, decked out in their fire fighting gear, who streamed on to the cricket field where they usually hold the annual fireworks display (a highlight of the festival).

I couldn't help myself. I cried as I stood there, listening to the facts being recited by the MC from the middle of the pitch. The fireys all stood silently, flame torches lit. And as we were asked to observe a minute's silence, they extinguished their flames. Out of the silence came...

"Whassat over there? Where the fire gone?" from the LGBB, confused by the sudden lack of talking from her aunty (who was holding her). I turned and gave her a warm, gentle "shhhhh" and a smile while Aunty Nic explained we had to be quiet "just for a minute." Cue Lolly tenderly placing a pudgy-fingered hand on my shoulder and whispering, " 'sokay, Mummy", giving me a bit of a patronising pat and then leaving her warm hand there. It was so darling. And it made me spill a few more tears.

When they mentioned our town in the list of places that had been affected recently, the LGBB squealed out (and forgive me for not plastering the name here, I'll call it Toon Town), "Toon Town!! Oh, yay, Toon Town!" because we've just started explaining to her where we live. She loves the name of the place so much, she asked if we could go there. Erm, well yes.... we can. Ta-da!

(It reminds me of the time when my little brother, on seeing a Victorian Tourism ad on the telly, made the adamant statement that "Victoria looks like a nice place for a holiday. Less go there!" and my mother had a similar tricky concept to try and explain on her hands)

Sometimes, I do things right

Our breakfast of caramelised bananas on pancakes the other week. The LGBB couldn't even sit still in her chair for a happy photo, she was so keen to keep savouring it.

I'm still reminiscing.

'allo, narna's! Walnuts... Miss you already. Love yooooooo.

*waves hanky forlornly at photo of the best breakfast she's ever made*

The face I got when I said...

"No more (BLEEPING) Beyoncé concerts!!!!"

I'm not even kidding (oh, 'cept about saying the "bleeping" bit). This is the 'tude I got. And don't you love the dangly bits on her ponytail? Goes with the snazzy headband she wore on the weekend, I think. Gosh some people have talent! (Special mention to the lip gloss, by the way, it was the first time I've acceded and let her actually put some of mine on.... I think that's why she never wanted this day to end. I also painted her toenails. She has since shown ev-er-y-one her toes, even takes her shoes off and waits, one foot in the air like a horse waiting to be shod - I'll look down while I'm being served at a counter somewhere, wondering why she's wobbling about holding onto me - yep, foot up, shoe off, ready and patiently waiting to show the store attendant. Awwwww!)

The Sulking Twonager

...after an afternoon of twirling and engaging, interpretive body girating that was apparently supposed to never end. I ruin all her fun. Already.

Wedded bliss

(First let me please begin this post with a big shout-out THANK YOU to all you very kind and generous women who've messaged and emailed me through my 'grey day' last week. It is very much appreciated, as I am sure you'll all already appreciate, to hear from people who sound like they know exactly what you're talking about - cos they've been there too and also aren't afraid to say they're imperfect - and I am certain it makes all the difference. So again, thank you to each of you, even those who read and nodded in solidarity but didn't actually contact me - you're equally as appreciated! Back to our usual programming.....)


I smell dinner cooking.

There is something so nurturing to me (as if I've rounded out everything I've done today) when I can smell something cooking in my home during the day while I go around doing other things*. I've chopped and sliced all morning - piles of gorgeous vegies - and started my dear Russell Hobbs dual-pot going with two different meals that will last us several nights this week. A Japanese curry based one and the other a good old-fashioned soup-can-sauce trick (cream of celery tonight).

Is it wrong to have romantical thoughts about one's reliable kitchen appliance? It's just so easy to turn on. Use. And not feel guilty about doing either of those things for my own gain. Not to mention simply leaving it to do the one job I've asked it to do and trust it'll be done, to complete perfection without me having to ask it again.

Y'know? *coy*


Hey, by the way, stay tuned for a book update. I hope to update on latest thoughts and progress tomorrow!

* I'm all about finding the balance -- the yang to the yin... or something like that -- so I will proudly state here in this disclaimer that I can thank my mother for that. The same one I was cursing two days ago. She was a crockpot/pressurecooker fan in the 70's and 80's. Hey, feeding a family of six, you'd be crazy not to have enlisted its services. We had everything in that thing, including porridge that would be set to slow cook overnight.