Steve and I learned very suddenly that we could not, and did not have to, hold a promise to anybody. All bets, as far as we were concerned, were off. Our baby girl’s death was proving to be the bright light that shone into every ugly, preferably left dark and uncovered, corner of not only our marriage but our relationships with loved ones around us. It felt far more real on the one hand, but on the other it was quite scary and confronting when we weren’t controlling that light.
There didn’t seem any option but to grasp this new, more honest way and we used it to clean up the mess we hadn’t even realised was around us. And it was arduous, challenging, very scary work. But we simply dug in deep and did what we needed to survive the days and that first alternately long yet lightning-fast year. “No going back now”, we would both say to each other, often.
This is an extract from one of the more "tricky" chapters I've found to be written.
So tricky, in fact, that I toss and turn at night about them. Am I saying too much? Am I not saying enough? Am I capturing the essence of what I really want to say? Is it all lost in words?
I'm most of the way through the latter chapters I have down on screen in the manuscript so far. I headed in to them (post-memorial, which is around chapter 14 for memory), assuming to be ditching if not whole chapters, then at least big sections left, right and centre.
Thing is..... since I made some changes and moved the order of the components of these last four chapters around - it was my goal last week to get the timeline of our story corrected because I jumped around a bit which was confusing to readers, according to the feedback - it now flows so well that I am stuck again with thinking it all needs to be left in!
My announcement on the weekend about "news" pertaining to the book was going to be focused on the removal of these chapters (or most of their contents). I felt finally ready, freed, of any need to voice and vent and justify why, how and when I felt wronged, hurt and betrayed. Ummm... I think it's all staying in.
I'm nervous. But yeah. I think it's all in. NOT that this is my final ruling! Farken 'ell, I can't make up my mind (obviously).
In other exciting book news, I think I may have an editor! She's a friend of a relative, off on maternity leave, her field of expertise more than qualifies her to cast a critical eye over my book and its specific subject matter (shall we say, without giving too much away, given that I haven't firmed things up with her yet).
Okay, so I'm nervous AND excited. I don't know what I was ever expecting. I mean, I knew the day/year would come. But now I've got Steve in one ear gently pushing/guiding that my "next step" ought to be to secure an editor if not a publisher/agent, and things falling into place just ahead of my next "decision-time" that only serves to confirm this is all happening at exactly the right pace.
Yesterday, I wandered into the local oogidy-boogidy shop as I've done many times before and there, after my asking, I found the most amaaaaaaazing pieces of mookite stone!! Little pocket-sized working pieces. I bought three. I thought it was perfect time for this productive stage I'm finding myself in with the book. I've already been advised that this stone is very pertinent to my work. To find it in the week when my book is picking up speed towards the finishing chapters.... well, it's not lost on me.
Synchronicity, people. That's what I'm looking out for to guide me here. Synchronicity.
