Saturday, December 8, 2007

Surely I'm entitled

It's no doubt, the past week and a bit has been one that's seen enormous growth and shift in perceptions (for me personally, I can't speak for anyone else as that is their story and their journey to have).

I was even more sure today that I am still under somewhat of a shroud - is it shock? Is it me changed for good, and for the better? Time will tell - when we had a visit from the one couple I find quite difficult to find peace with. Usually, I shut them out (for that is the only way I know how to deal with them now, they simply do not understand or take the hint from my statements or body language with regard to how much it pains me that they seem hell-bent on refusing Ellanor a place in their lives while simultaneously lavishing affection on the LGBB - it's nice n' all, but... bit of a balance would be nice please).

But today, I was able to deflect and rather admirably too. I felt so much stronger around them today. I felt like I had Ella herself right behind me - figuratively, of course, as I did not even attempt to connect with her but I do think there was a far more positive and healthy aspect to my attitude today and I believe it directly relates to the work I did with her last week - and I was able to make it through the entire day unscathed. None of the usual balls slipped through to the keeper (or in less vague terms, there were no off remarks which slighted me and caused me to put another mark against them in my little book of Those People Who Won't Face It (And Can't Be Opened Up To)).

It's been such a tremendous time of learning that I am currently fighting the urge to give in to denial that I experienced something so huge, but concurrently that it also happened so naturally and came with ease - like getting on a bike after not riding one for 20 years. I have woken each morning and pondered, Did that reeeeeally happen??? Of course, my responsibility to my own gift will now probably not allow me to forget or wave it all off. But seriously.... it'd be so easy to never speak of it again, especially given the doubters I am bound to come up against. A large part of treading water with what I've learned and done is in seeking out or sensing the correct audience, the ones who will nurture and encourage me to be strong and have faith about it all rather than help that part of myself that wants to pretend it didn't happen and just put everything down to one big coincidence.

So when I was asked today what we are planning to put on the walls (in terms of pictures and so forth) as we were standing in the freshly painted sitting room, I very casually said, "Ella will probably have pride of place above the mantle" and basically let it drift through the air. The receiving party didn't miss a beat and replied, "So dark wood then, that'll go well in here" and nodded. I don't suppose by now I should anticipate or expect to hear anything more. At least he confirmed to me that he hasn't missed that massive framed portrait we have of her (which you cannot miss) that commands at least a glance when you walk in our current front door, because he knows the colour of the frame. I can just nod and let it be now. Still, it hasn't deterred me from trying to make them equal, at least in my eyes. I guess as a mum, you do that when you have more than one child. After all, I struggled with very similar doubts about whether I would be able to love the LGBB before I had her, given the enormity of my devotion to her older sister. I worried that I would love Ella less, that she would be left out/behind, back in 2004. And I worried equally that I would not love Lolly as much/enough. Well, as far as Steve and I are concerned, she fits like a glove. They both do. And I understand that now that I've had Lolly - the angst of anticipating the arrival of a very much-wanted subsequent child does not diminish your love for your existing baby, for your love for them is totally unique and different. Each an absolutely perfect reciprocal gift.

And you know, I already have planned a Sisters montage for the entry in our new home. I can just see it. My two girls, side by side.

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