Saturday, December 15, 2007


So's I don't forget, and also knowing that if I put this here I am answerable to not just myself if I "forget" or otherwise don't come back to these thoughts.

I found myself in the past couple of days wondering just how often my free thinking falls to Ella - about her time here, about our life since, about the various fallings-out and fracture and discord because of things unspoken with a few people - and why it is that my mind always wanders her way. They're not destructive thoughts, they are simply thoughts of her. Am I doing this to ensure I don't forget any of these things until I get them all down/out on paper into this book? I don't know how much or little I will end up needing, but I do believe that (as with her initial story which I wrote out in more detail about a year after she died, the one on her web pages) until I get it all out I will not forget and I will keep having these thought processes go trailing through my conscious mind and memory. It's almost as if a daily ritual has been necessary in order that I stay close to that time, until such time as I can clear enough space to let it all flow out into the written word.

The situation I recently found myself in, whereby I went waaaaay beyond this physical realm and which I don't entirely understand or comprehend*, has been struggling to keep itself real in my mind too. When I was in the thick of it, I was very clear and sure of what was happening (not entirely how it was happening, but seeing and trusting that this was what I was experiencing and watching it all unfold into realising my life's work as a sensitive). But now that I am hitting the ground again and trying to recoup my energy, I am finding it so hard to trust what happened. Far too trippy-sounding to explain to the general populus. But also infinitely more important than me getting on the Humble Horse and slinking off into the sunset. No, they won't let me do that. But I am still a very unwitting participant. Well, perhaps that is not so true now... if you stand in front of your husband apologising to him, through heavy tears that you can't help, that he has to "go through this with me" (ie. take up full responsibility for our child while I trip off into trippy head-land to assist with a soul trying to decide whether to take off for good or not) then really there isn't much closer to reality than you get. This IS my reality, I've had to accept. So, in that respect, no I'm not unwitting anymore. Hell, yes, it has kind of knocked the crap out of me. But it wasn't as scary as I imagined it might be, the first time I am consciously aware of going into the void somewhere with someone.

I didn't expect it. And I found I didn't actually have to do anything! I was merely the grounding energy, not the guiding force. It all worked through me (rather, she did - Ellanor) and I am pleasantly relieved about that. I helped, assisted, was there... but didn't have to consciously step up and say anything (much). What an ace job! Heh. Sort of like being a chair-spinner in an office who doesn't get noticed for not doing more work. I can do that!

*kind of like when I was a kid, lying on our trampoline in the dark night and staring up at the stars; it petrified me sometimes to think that we were a mere tiny planet, suspended in mid-atmosphere - what if we fell?? But fell where? It frightened me and was too huge for my mind to contemplate and this is how it is for me lately, with trying to decipher what is largely undecipherable and should just be left "a mystery" of sorts.

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