Have you ever had something so monumentally life-course changing that you look at everything differently? How long has it taken you to swallow back up the farce that goes with being 'in community' with others? Or did you quit the commercial/consumerism way of life for good? (in which case.... how are you reading this because shouldn't you not have a computer or internet?) Or are you a little like me and oscillate between being blinded by it, back to realising it's all an illusion of who we really are?
Recently (as in.... last week), a personal event blind sided me. Absolutely knocked me and my energy for a six. Before I could get my breath back, and while I was at the bottom of the pit waiting to see a way forward out of this, I found myself looking at everything the way I did right after Ellanor died. Without my Blind Human Nature goggles on.
It struck me first as I was driving along to my class at Peace Space the other day - I am currently studying the Esoteric Spiritual Tarot and finding it awesome as a complementary divining tool for my work and daily life (anyone wanna line me up with a question? for real? I need practice, email me! but serious questions only, from regular followers, please ;) - and anyway, I was zooming past the back of a large estate as I made my way further into the countryside.... And all of a sudden, it dawned on me. In light of my current situation on that day, I saw as if for the first time that those houses were all adorned with things to beautify them. There were gargantuan cars parked in manicured driveways. Huge pillars adjacent to big front doors. Really big houses. Really big representations of just what we have the potential to fill our lives up with.
And it's all, really, at the end of the day, nothing. I thought about it and got it in a split instant, which only happened so fast because I was definitely in a very pained, fragile and vulnerable state - something I never take for granted if I feel that way because of the blinding light it sheds on my "reality" and where I can make adjustments to my current way of living if I've gone so far off track from what's truly important in my life... and it's not pillars at my front door or an immaculate, enormous house.
None of this means anything if I am not loved and cannot love in return. Nothing means a damn thing. At the end of the day, I am one big soul full of love. But I bury all that purity and fill myself to capacity with daily grind, fear and loathing, burden and begrudging tolerance.... I just begin to lose track of all the goodness in my life when I begin to slide back into that pit. Why? Well, I think it's a number of things, but mostly I believe (for me personally) it has everything to do with being seen to have a thick skin, to be keeping up with the Jones's (dang, I never know the proper plural for that bloody family! Jonses just looks WRONG), to be able to keep up with the cynical, witty, cutting banter that I see more and more around not just the life in front of me but on blogs around the globe.
I don't know. Shrug. I know what I need to do to keep myself close to that light (and lightness) in myself. What about you? Do you ever have these feelings? I know, I know... another D&M from me. But come on, if you've been following for more than a week, you should be used to this by now here!
- ► 2011 (182)
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- Dear Ella
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- Career change
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- Today, I....
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