All in a morning

Today I attempted to take Miss I Am *almost* Two Hear Me Roar to my old bestie's place. I say "old" because she's just not anymore. Not since the LGBB took a dislike to her. It's just too hard to see my friend very often and each time we meet, it's not an enjoyable experience (for Lolly and, therefore, not for me). In saying that, we are going out together tonight to Gold Class to see our friends Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte in precisely 6 hours. And counting.

The plan was for Lolly to play with the bestie's two girls. I was asked to do some photography on the younger of my friend's daughters. I told the LGBB we were going to see "Ellen and Hannah". She was excited. Couldn't wait to get in the car. Got confused and stood at our bedroom window pointing out phantom sightings excitedly - "Ellen! I SEE her! Looooook!!" - in the empty street outside.

All I heard for the first part of the trip in the car was, "Ellen, where's Ellen, Mum, where she gorn?" and I kept kicking myself for telling her so early that we were going there, hence the unending questions.

And then it happened. About ten minutes down the road, she stopped asking, only to start up again a couple of minutes later after turning her attention back into the inside of the car. Except this time, she appeared to be a tad confused.

LGBB: Where's Ella?
Me: *silent*
LGBB: Mummy? Where's Ella?
Me: We're going to see Ellen!
LGBB: Ella!
Me: Mmmmm, no, who's Ella?
LGBB: Sister!
Me: That's right! Ella's your sister. We're going to see Ellen. And her sister... Hannah.
LGBB: Tanner! *Tanner being Lolly's BFF at occasional care*
Me: Aughhhhhh.... no. Ha-nn-ah. Ellen and Hannah.
LGBB: *sounding really unconvinced* Ellen and Hannah.

The morning was doomed from the get-go. I wanted to cry right there in the car. The closer we got to my friend's place, the more I knew the LGBB was going to be bitterly disappointed that she wasn't going to finally meet this Ella she's heard so much about. Or Tanner either.

My older brother sent a new dvd of his kids this week. They are productions to behold, heaven knows where he gets the time to edit it all. But he sure knows his target audience - the 2-6 year old female (his girls are 3 and 5 now). The LGBB is thoroughly obsessed with her Japanese cousins, having only met them once when she was eight months old and ever since then only knowing them via the last dvd my bro sent. She calls out for them and I am certain she thinks her older cuz is more famous than all of Hi-5 put together.

Watching the new video footage yesterday with Lolly, I felt like I'd been struck by a sharp knife in my solar plexus. Seeing them both playing was really poignant. Almost hard for me. Sisters. They're sisters. Doing everything together. The little one copying the big one. The big one looking out for the little one. Going down slides together, riding in motorised cars, visiting bouncy castle heaven for kids.

And I resolved, sitting on the lounge room floor with big warm tears dropping on my cheeks, Lolly squealing delightedly at my side, that I need to give her a little sibling. My heart pains to think she might never have a sister. She would be an amazing big sister. I wasn't sure before, but now I see plainly. There needs to be at least one more.

I'm scared.