Monday, December 28, 2009

Monopoly vs Manipulation

No, I don't mean "Monopoly" as in the Parker Bros fight-starting tool that was always sure to bring my little bro and I to fisticuffs each school holiday period because of our marathon, week-long, cheat-fest edition of the popular board game.

I mean "monopoly" as in (dict. def.) the exclusive possession or control of something.

Ever get that lightbulb moment that blinds you so bright it knocks you off your uncomfortable perch? Such has been the epiphany of the past few days, where an altercation with a long-standing friend of ten+ years has seen me question my own "rights" to feel hurt and pained when I haven't actually been straight as an arrow myself.

In assuming my position of "quietly pained but never letting on", I see now that I've been most unfair to my oblivious friend.

When a shattering occurrence happened here on Boxing Day, this friend behaved (as per usual) by delivering judgemental vitriol (about my reaction) on cue. I have perpetually given such leeway, such grace, such patience in my stance of "that is her way, if I speak up then I am going to be called too sensitive and told that I can't take a joke (even when it is blatantly obvious that the 'joke' is a thinly-veiled callous remark or put-down towards me or someone else), so best for me to shut up and pretend like it doesn't hurt because I don't want to be hurt more by being told I'm being silly or sensitive or mental, etc."

But I've just realised that this monopoly I have always seen as being held by her, from my victim stance and totally enabled by same, has actually turned into manipulation by me of our friendship.

See, I called my friend on her words to me this particular time. Why this time? Out of all the other countless times? Was it the straw that broke the camel's back (and therefore, because it has built into a mountainous pile of times I wanted to tell her to back off me, my reaction seems far overblown compared to this current circumstance)? Was it the work I am currently doing on, heh how ironic, transcending these sorts of interpersonal things and getting to the heart of the matter (of my soul)? Maybe. I think it's actually a little from column A and a little from column B.

So here I am, working away, with this friend and our current Friend Status on Red Alert in the background of my awareness. It could literally go either way from here but we both know our friendship as we knew it has now ended - I would like to think that we've just transposed our friendship into something more positive, transcended it into something else on a mutually more honest basis, if you will. It remains to be seen if this has, in fact, happened. Am I ready to shine a light on this part of my nature? Am I ready to walk the talk and put exactly what I am currently studying into practice? I guess I am, it's become a huge test of my dedication (to my Self).

The interest I hold now is in my commitment to my Soul and my study. This friend has been somewhat of an addiction for me, if truth be told. As my vantage point of my world has changed over the years and become more and more stripped of my old-world judgements of others and how they live/what they do, this friend has been like a little island of delectable gossip. Insidious and cynical and familiar to my psyche.

But.... now the conundrum! I no longer operate from that same place. And hence, the lie I have been perpetuating within our friendship. I have been the illusionist here, not her. And she has been blind-sighted by my actions, perhaps receiving her own shattering bolt out of the blue which she can either repel from or act with accordingly (that is her ordained and/or personal free will and choice).

I love the intrinsic nature of my friend. I love the glimpses of kind-hearted spirit I see in her. I love the striving, seeking nature of her. I also know that we attract what we are - the law of like attracts like - and so I see that the shadow side of her personality, which I have always (from my pained body stance*) assumed is my attacker, is also within me.

Therein lies the challenge for me personally: do I continue to ascend and transcend my outmoded egoic strive to "fit in" and/or "be put down"? Or do I allow my true nature (my Soul) to speak up here and take a seat in the driver's pozzy?

So. I sit at the other end of the empty see-saw and I wait. Timing is everything and I owe it to both of us to just let the grace of passing hours soothe us for now.

* Read Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth" for a brilliant description of the pain body

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