Painting the fairy

No. No witty euphemisms here.

I seriously am, today, going to finish painting the fairy on the LGBB's new bedroom wall.

Also on the list for today: just one thing.... Filling the 12m skip. For the rest of the long weekend, I gather, judging by the mess we have to get rid of.

Still, once it goes, we will have an area ready to be excavated (next Wednesday) and then it's Systems GO for garage and office/work room! Steve and I have already also begun discussing what we'll do for our entertaining area. Given the wildlife corridor we're in (and the backyard full of dogs and now a cat), we want to create another spot for a garden. We were going to go for the rather obligatory 5m deck, from door to fence. But now we're agreed that we want to incorporate a centre island of native garden - something we did at our last place as well, in the front yard, instead of lawn.

This way, we can move the 'entertaining area' off to the back side of the house, which will also mean the views are better. The area won't be directly in front of the doors to outside, but we think we'd rather look out over a lovely bit of garden than at an outdoor dining setting.... Besides, the view from the back end of the house is the money shot. And moving the decking/dining bit to here is a win-win, really.

I dearly love planning gardens. Properly, from scratch. It stirs and satisfies something in me. And what better time of year to plan than Autumn! We won't be up to planting til after Winter, and we need to put down the paving and decking first. We're planning a wide boardwalk with a shallow step down onto paving with the garden taking centre stage in the middle. This way, the deck/boardwalk will be able to hug the house and it means we can maximise our view (which is best over by the house - the closer to the fence, the more we lose because of the neighbour's garage and, of course, the fence!).

Looking forward to today. I love when combined effort sees great change in something that has looked the same for so long. Heh. Sounds a bit like a metaphor for something else! Perhaps it is.

I think I am past it enough now to say I miss her!

I found this today while I was searching for some other photos on the timeline. And I remember there was an old blog post I had done about it (you can see the telltale post-tanty puffy eyes and cheeks in this shot on the LGBB, circa 2007). And I thought.....

Where did my baby go??

All the feelings I was feeling at that time of her life are long faded - the angst at her not moving, not crawling, the worry, concern and speculation (and that was just from my well-meaning but ultimately unhelpful mothers' group who, between them, had the earliest movers I've ever come across, just my luck), the bad case of tenosynivitis I'd been coping with but not wanting to make "a thing" of, yada yada yada.... It's all gone. And all that remains is the gorgeous, melting moments captured in the photos we have of her.

We are so blessed to have had our girls.

The best holiday of the year

Easter weekend has always been my favourite holiday of the entire year. Even including Christmas.

There is something very healing and nurturing about this weekend to me. Perhaps the significance on the Christian calendar has something to do with that. Perhaps it's something also to do with the large collective around the world who are in their prayerful and reflective states. I am a great believer in the powerful effect of, for want of a better word, prayer. And to put a less religious spin on it, the "simple" act of positive thinking. Of putting positive thought towards another or something (from your ailing pet to an entire country).

It all helps.

I'm relieved to discover that I don't have to work this weekend. I plan to play and clean and rest these next four days. A bbq with friends in a large, fantastic suburban park tomorrow and we have the makings of a fine weekend.

I hope yours, wherever you are and however you spend it, is deeply renewing for you, too. Don't forget to spend some time putting your own brand of positive thought towards something or someone!

Got to hand it to her

The girl knows how to blow me away with the things she comes out with.

When I collected the LGBB today from occasional care, she was her usual chipper self. Quiet in the car, satisfied with a drink and a little chocolate egg... in keeping with the season she knows nought about except a "silly bunny who keeps dropping eggs in the garden." Sweet.

We got home, I dealt with an insurance quote assessor (the saga continues) while the LGBB did some mazes from her maze book - she's totally into them at the moment.

When I came back inside, I headed for the kitchen to begin cleaning it. It's been a busy week. Productive but busy. Today, I finally completed work on a big website. The client is ecstatic. So am I! Now I can invoice them and upload the thing.

On a more esoteric note, at the same time I am working on something else with a particularly testing energy. It's challenging. But ultimately, so in tune with what I know I need to be doing, to balance my very grounded physical work with websites, design and computer stuff. Over the past few days, I have been intensive with my work in this other realm. That's all I want to say about that (sorry for the vagueness!).

Anyway, there have been times in Lolly's short life where I have been visibly busier. I have been tested. I have been sore and sick and sorry for myself. And still working. But she has never said to me what she said today. It was a very rewarding confirmation, in a twofold sense, both of the insight I was given about the LGBB and the special nature of our kinship, and also the "assignment" (as a light worker) I have always trusted I was working towards but was for some reason as yet unrealised (despite many confirmations along the way from people I have helped, in various manners - from assisting a couple to find their children, who were born to another biological mother but ultimately found their way to these intended parents, to other lesser affiliated souls, requesting help, whom I have never laid eyes on but for whom I get little healing messages/instructions that always prove true...). I can thank/blame my upbringing, I think, that I am so oblivious to the signs that seem obvious to so many others - it's still a blinding wonder to me that I can do this and overwhelmingly humbling because of the personal nature of these circumstances.

But this is the first time I have assisted someone quite in this way before. And it is being led by something other than me, consciously, yet I know what I have to do. Kind of like reading a recipe and knowing, from that, what ingredients to put in, but then the head chef will come along and taste test and suggest another herb or a little more of "this or that".... The head chef, in this instance, is the higher guidance of both/either myself and/or the other person. I just do what I'm instructed in that instance.

So the LGBB, all of a sudden tired of her maze tracing, says rather sympathetically to me as I come back inside, "You working hard today. Mummy did lots of work."

"Yes I did," I said to her, almost distracted to the point of even noticing her intonation. She persisted and left her book, coming over to me with arms outstretched, looking drawn and tired. "Mummy worked hard. That makes me sleepy." And she really was.

I was told a long while ago that my children - both Ellanor and Lolly - were the other two sides of my working triangle. The sifters, lifters and finders of the redundant mess surrounding the world on the astral level, in our little corner of the world and what we've been enlisted and joined together to do at this time.

Of course when I am pulled to assist, in a universal sense, she is going to be affected. We are intrinsically, somehow inexplicably, linked in this manner. Even as a baby, she would be listless and drawn and tired during times when I was learning/working the most on this etheric level.

Only now, though, am I beginning to really live it. See it. Integrate what I have been studying. Most amazing to me at this time, this week, are the points of connection I am making between females, mothers, violation, fertility, the father line... it just keeps coming and coming. The symmetry around me at the moment, even with reconnecting with my old love and his affinity with cats and also some of the things he was explaining as having had happened to him over the past twenty years and the connections I've privately made with the work I am currently doing (on a group conscious level), is making me feel very small - a speck in the universe's history - and that, in turn, keeps me grounded and mindful of my egoic ways (which cannot get in the way of my work). It's also making me go "Wow, wow... WOW!"

It will forever be humbling, for it involves such deeply personal healing work with and for others.

I need to drink more. Or less.

Because I found this slightly disturbing, yet very funny. And I haven't even TOUCHED any alcohol.

Her Dog Play Dough

Luckily for me, "bloody dog" muttered under my breath sounds for all the world to the LGBB like Play Dough.

So now, she is conditioned to say, "Tsk-tsk, Play Dough" while shaking her head whenever Jazz takes it upon herself to mimic a canine version of a wailing woman (seriously, you've gotta hear the performance to believe me - our neighbours have asked on more than one occasion who the "whinger" is.... lucky for me, they don't ask Steve or he'd probably be likely to thumb in my direction...).

I must say, though, Play Dough is probably a rather accurate description of the contents of said dog's brain.

Full of it

I'm so full of ideas and trains of thought for my book again at the moment. Blessedly, that girl of ours has come right on back in again, cloaking me with this familiar feeling of knowing who she is, knowing what we observed, putting me in that space in time..... But this time, for the very first time since having and losing Ellanor (hey, could that be a good title for the book??!! "Having And Losing Ellanor".... hmmmm) - anyway - for the first time, I am truly out the other side. Away from the (as one of my dear mentors, Neri, puts them) "nar-ne-nar's" - those thoughts that nag and gnaw and, well, "nar-ne-nar" at you when you are unconsciously aware you are letting them!

I've been holding a lot of energy these past six months on a project that I thought would never ever end. It has been tremendously arduous learning, whilst being the recipient of a huge swathe of channelled work that I was enlisted to edit and make coherent in the form of a whopping 4-part manual. It's now available for study by the students who have already done the Peace Space mode to healing, which is a heal-the-healer type journey through the 13 colour ray spectrum - a study that journeys the student, basically, through 13 layers of human perception and enables them to intuitively understand and recognise their potential in any given situation and at any level they find themselves. Further to this, the student will have had to delve into the masters' colours (a deeper/greater level of learning and responsibility, towards the self and in turn, turning that into service for humanity), of which there are currently... gawd, I can't remember, I've lost count.

So as I have come out of this bottleneck of busyness and expanded back into my slightly less pressurized juggle of family life and work (I have no idea how I managed to keep the business afloat while I did that, as it literally squeezed every ounce of free time out of me and I would grab at opportunities to post a blog entry or go to the shops for groceries like a mad woman out on good behaviour). As I have done this ease back to relative normalcy, I've had more time to think more freely as well. And this is where whole scenes for the book have begun downloading into my brain once again.

I now carry around a notebook of tiny proportions, in which I jot every little grab and plot teaser that I am given. For too long, I have been assuming those things would come back to me, if I woke in the middle of the night with SUCH a blaringly good insight that I knew I couldn't POSSIBLY forget it by morning.... and, invariably, I have lost a great many of those amazing trains of thought, simply because I didn't write them down, even in part, to go back to and expand on. It is a great disservice of me to the eventual reader(s) of this book, that I do this and not follow the thoughts through onto paper to capture them.

One of the main things that came out, only at the start of this month, that I will be building on (somewhere, somehow, don't know yet) is one of the main conclusions I reached, probably about 2 years after Ellanor died.

Letting go is not giving up (or in)

In some respects, regarding the writing, I feel like I am starting again. But in others, I do still have faith and trust that it has happened this way for a very good cause. And I am beginning to see that, had I rushed to the finish line with my intended manuscript, where I was 12 months ago heading towards the final chapter with great gusto and so certain I knew what the last quarter of the book would contain, I would never have had the learning under my belt that I have just been gifted, through holding what I have done in the first part of 2010.

I can see now that I still have much work to do and I will be going back through the book, before it ever reaches a publisher's desk, and weaving in a lot of the hindsight understandings I've been given. For without them, this would be a somewhat rubber-necker's delight. And I would never want Ella's (and Steve's and my) story to be reduced to that.