Thursday, February 11, 2010


My mind went wandering last night. I was pondering the sixth anniversary of the passing of our baby girl.

In the middle of watching American Idol, of all things, I had a blinding, brilliant flash of recall which placed me firmly back in the NICU. The sound of the nurse's sniffles and choked voice as she counted the squeezing of the bag as it blew air into our baby's lungs.


Light fading.

Noises muffled.

I don't know why I didn't end up on the floor that day. I was stunned cold. I have said this before.

The LGBB had her hair cut last week. It is a very 'grown up' shoulder length bob. I cannot get used to our baby girl and her big-girl hair. Last night, as I contemplated the anniversary (tomorrow, the 12th) of Ellanor's death, I mused that the little girl I could hear directing her father with free abandon in our kitchen would never have been here. If Ella had lived.

How ironic, then, that I was perceiving a time in our future when I would have to explain to Lolly why she could not be here with her sister. That I would have to say to her one day, "If she had not died, we would never have met you."

Then I pondered, is this too profound for a child? Even for that child when she becomes an adult? Will it be too much for her to bear, take on? I'm not sure even I can grasp that my two girls were never destined to meet. And I would be mortified if the LGBB were to incorrectly feel she was the cause for her sister not being here.

I will forever see the beauty in how Ellanor lived her life. She remains a beautiful mystery to me, much of her not even close to being nearly uncovered by this lifetime. Such a well of richness and light to her Soul. Her essence. That thing of divine beauty I think we all see in babies when they are so new to the world, if only we stop. And listen to them. Long, long before their first smile, even before they wake up and can hold their eyes open. That is the magic of where they have come from. Where we have ALL come from.

And this irony I stumbled into last night - it's like a riddle that won't be solved: "You are here because your sister is not."

I accept it. I just don't know if I like the way it sounds today. Ask me next week, next month. I am bound to have come to a further understanding of it. But not today, this eve.

And so, to the challenge posed this week on BlogThis -
Imagine this, you wake up tomorrow and you have a new superpower.
What would you like it to be? How would it change your life?

Now, I don't want to come across as some sort of Miss Universe contestant-sounding "I wish for World Peace" generalised bonehead. BUT.... if I had a super-power, I seriously would like it to be the ability to unmask people and get them back to their core inner beauty and knowing. Now THAT is something I would dearly love to see. How much fecking easier would it be (ok, so there had to be a selfish catch to this somewhere) to communicate and cut through the bullshit if we weren't all so defensive, competitive, selfish, belligerant, fake, intolerant, bigoted, judgemental and the rest?

I know it's a world I would rather live in. One that's much more akin to where my daughter came from and where she returned. Funny thing is, this so-called "superpower" is not so impossible to achieve - not as impossible as the other one I put a lot of thought into (I wanted to be able to control/freeze/speed up time!) - and yet, we so fervently attempt to swallow down this true Self of ours, so driven by fear are we.

I have no idea how I ended up here. I didn't even think I'd be entering this week's challenge and certainly did not intend to run it into this original train of thought. But... here endeth the post.

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