Finding out how 9 miscarriages can bite... the hard way

I have a lot I need to say about this past week. Being still in the throes of the most excruciating week (physical pain-wise) of my life, I'm not properly centred yet to go firing off about what's been happening.

Knowing me, as you may do by now, you'll probably have guessed correctly that I am throwing everything (esoteric, alternative, medical and otherwise) at this affliction I find myself in. It's made for some very interesting learning, particularly in the past two days.

An infection has now settled in the base of my face. I have a huge lump the size of an outstretched hand, running the length of my chin and right hand lower jaw. Now that it's manifested physically, I have to let the antibiotics do their thing while the Chinese medicine also boosts me from the inside out. I'm on homoeopathics to take the edge off pain in between times and I am most relieved to say that at least the Panadeine Forte now works when I take it. Not for long, but a half hour without a twinge of pain somewhere in my teeth, gums, jaw, cheek, forehead or temple is sweet, sweet relief and I'll take it.

I want to come back and properly fill in the gaps. This has been important. A huge chunk of learning and realisation that all comes back to the nine babies we lost between 2000 and last year. I have only done one deep meditation on it (this morning) and am still walking through it, cradling myself, if you will. Before I can post about it, I need to responsibly clear and protect my outpourings, in order to effectively protect you, the reader, from such heavy burden and "someone else's stuff", basically. The realisations I've had are profound, more profound than even I, on my journey so far, could have known.

It has taken this pain, this bolt out of the clear blue, to shake me, make me still, realise and release the pain I didn't know I was still carrying. So buried has it been by the loss of Ellanor and then the birth of the LGBB.

I am working through giving myself permission to be so affected by these losses. I am learning to release the guilt of trying again so soon, again and again and yet again, pushing and striving and yearning all those months. It was bound to take its toll. As I kept getting pregnant, I honestly thought it wasn't affecting or effecting me (or the outcome). I felt less and less emotional turmoil about them. I racked them up as one great big collective loss.

But they are not. They are individual. And until I unify all of this, I will not be whole. A birth is complete, and yet a miscarriage... a miscarriage, in some respects, is never-ending.

More later.

That just proves it

I must eat far more than I need to. Not junk, just more.

I've lost 3kg since Saturday. I can only sip gently on Miso soup, other thin soups and sometimes I brave it and manage to slip a teaspoon in my mouth and have a tub of pureé fruit. I get Steve to make me banana smoothies, to keep up my potassium, because I can't hold the barmix - the vibration sets off an excursion to Excrutiation Village that I'd rather avoid. That's what I'm living on. The soup, fruit and smoothies, I mean. Not the pain excursions (although... they are a regular part of my day, I get dozens of these onsets and just freeze my body through them to avoid setting off stronger waves).

Everything else I can think of involves chewing.

Any suggestions? Temperature of food is also a byotch with this thing.

I sneezed this morning. It just about sent me out of my mind. I couldn't even cry about it. Not worth the ensuing pain to cry and feel sorry for myself.

Tonight, I'm going for acupuncture and to start taking a couple of strong herbal tonics. One of them, Magnol1 it's called, is for "vital exhaustion". Heh. I think I have vital exhaustion, fer sher! If you have a look at the symptoms, including patterns of pain in fibromyalgia, "Ultimate burnout / Vital Exhaustion (VE)" comprises of:

• Feelings of excessive fatigue
• Lack of energy
• Increasing irritability
• Feelings of demoralization

Well. I hadn't noticed that last one. But shee whizz, the others have been prevalent for so long I thought it was just me.

Isn't it just so alarming sometimes to turn around and realise what you've been living with and coping with for so long that it's become "you"? When it's not really you at all?

And I wonder, what have others possibly got going on, as a pattern of pain or fatigue or depression or otherwise, that they have incorporated into their being because "it's just been there for so long it must surely just be me"?

More later.

Mandala Meditation Monday #7

I haven't the words or the energy to entirely put into words the weekend I've had. Suffice to say, I have visited the hospital three times in the space of about 17 hours for pain in the right side of my face (a misfiring trigeminal nerve - it's known as trigeminal neuralgia), had a shot of Tremedol, Panadeine Forte (both of which did ZIP for the pain), been put on a drip, had Maxolon to reverse the severe vomiting that started late yesterday - in front of dear Lolly, oh gosh - and now I'm onto Tegretol to begin to manage the pain. In a week or so, I am going to see a Neurologist to try and locate the cause of the nerve pinch/hyperactivity (it's basically causing my face to alternately freeze/lock and grip me in the most intense, crushing, shooting pains I've ever known).

I cannot chew, I can hardly talk (well, not for long) and am finding sleep and even holding my face very difficult. Who knew gravity was SUCH a bitch? It seems any change in position, once I am given a few moments' relief, results in a bout of shooting pain. But all of it only on the right side of my face and head.

Hey, you know you're in trouble if you can't even enjoy a coffee. Steve humoured me and walked me up to the café after visiting the doctor with me and my God. The pain was so severe that I got restless legs. I literally wanted to jump out of my body. It's the kind of pain that makes you look in the mirror and go, "Far OUT, it looks like nothing is happening in there!" And I took three sips and decided it wasn't worth the intsense pain that came with putting my lips around the vent on the lid. I've eaten just miso soup and a tub of pureé fruit since Saturday night because I just can't put a spoon in there. Teeth brushing? Don't even ask.

In giving you all that rundown, I want to say this. I am not focusing on the physical/fear aspects of this. As much as I can, I am going to be re-evaluating a lot of things. A big part of this is now standing in my true sense of self. Time to get seri-arse. Sorry. Serious.

I took myself outside in the (brief) sunshine this morning. I closed my eyes and attempted to gain some healing from the sun and whomever of My Posse was around to give me guidance. As soon as I closed my eyes, the familiar colours began. I was swathed in Turquoise. A really beautiful shade of Turquoise. I just let the colour wash behind my eyes, it was really intense. So was the pain! I had to go inside abruptly, before I could get too far into my meditation, because the cold was triggering more pain.

A few hours later, my dear friend Neri phoned me - I have had a lot of support from Jen and her since my ordeal began on Saturday night and have been offered wonderful insights and wisdoms to give me a greater understanding of why I'm going through this (remember: it's not just about you when something huge happens, there's always a deeper reason behind whatever pain you're going through! And once again, I could not see past it because it had already filtered in to my physical body and clouded my thoughts and concentration).

Anyway, Neri gave me a mandala to use today. It was a Turquoise one. Ho ho, fancy that! And the animal to go with that mandala is the Baboon, which I will also include here today. She explained to me that Baboon was about taking time out "in the trees" and just chilling. When I got to the doctor's later this morning, he said exactly the same thing. Just not in an etheric, "look to the Baboon" sense. Naturally.

"Rest, rest, rest," he said firmly.

A word I have hitherto detested but really need to begin to respect more. This is what I am sitting with today. Forgive me, I don't have the energy to put the image up. But I promise I will come back and put it in once I get a chance. For now, the text can suffice:

30. The FLEET of the FOLLOWING

the colour of...RICH TURQUOISE
the sound chord of …G 6
the essence of...MALACHITE...the stone for burnt-out healers as it opens your heart chakra, awakens your altruistic nature, and inspires healers to give more freely of themselves. MALACHITE aligns the etheric and emotional bodies and balances the 3rd chakra. MALACHITE treats mental illness, averts dizziness, vertigo and fainting, relieves cramps and rheumatism, and promotes sleep. MALACHITE aids co-ordination disorders (like epilepsy, autism, dyslexia and neurological discharges) caused by left-right brain imbalances, and visual disorders where it treats cataracts and generally strengthens the eyes. It aids self-expression, increases fertility and lactation, aids childhood dentation and treats childhood ills. For cardiac pain, MALACHITE stimulates the circulatory system, increases capillary action and invigorates red corpuscles. As a salve with honey, MALACHITE can staunch bleeding. It aids the kidneys and assists in cases of over-intoxification of the system and radiation-induced illnesses (such as cancerous tumours and leukaemia) and strengthens those working with video terminals and computers. MALACHITE promotes tissue regeneration, strengthens the pineal and pituitary glands, and removes toxicity in the fatty tissue. It aids the pancreas, spleen and stomach, prevents hernias and may be used for colic, intestinal infection, and gastric complaints involving nervous tension such as gastric ulcers.

This Mandala can give you a vantage point that is higher than your current one. From it you will be able to see into dangerous situations and access the reason and purpose of the learning these experiences have for you. This Mandala will address the turbulence you have created and that has continued to follow you. Your onus, now, is that of surrounding and containing this turbulence.

When the Mandala appears aligned, it will help you view from above whatever situation you are to take charge of. It will give you a 'birds eye view' of
• the ship (i.e., the container of your responsibilities),
• the turbulent seas (i.e., the emotional depths of learning you are responsible to—not only your own emotional depths, but the depths of those in your care, as well),
• the horizon of safe ground, or of wider objectives than the voyage you are on now).

You will now be faced with the necessity to forge new ground with the aim of moving humanity to create harmony and unity. There will be rough seas, so you will have to be sturdy and strong as well as flexible and flowing with your energy.

Growing from this experience does not necessitate fleeing from it. Rather it involves your melding the flight of your intuition with the stealthy integrity of your mature consciousness. This fold of experience will become a catapult to benefit the future. It will forge your ability to be intuitively responsible and it will be with this indelible responsibility as your solid foundation that you will build the future structure of new lands.

You are being helped towards this learning so that you will be able to keep a steady rhythm during your voyage. Certainly the predatory waters will warn you of risk, but if you travel beyond diving into worry about risks and, instead, gain insight about any possible surrounding danger from the vantage point of your Higher Sight, you will be far safer and much better prepared to encounter any challenging reefs.

Sailing this vessel will involve being vigilant for those who sail with you because you do have the gift of harmonising any ill-mindedness belonging to those in your care! This gift of yours carries with it the ability to adjust your etheric patterns to provide others with peace of mind. When you feel overawed by the crowding of your personal space, you will be given the Chalice of Dedication to drink from and its draught of Fresh Waters will balance your purpose with peace for your mind. You will be allowed personal time and space away from pressure and push to ponder new perimeters and to open them.

Baboon

Baboons are found in most parts of Africa and are classified as Old World monkeys. They have forsaken life spent entirely in the trees for life spent mostly on the ground. Their heavy body and short fingers make Baboons better suited to foraging in grasslands than to swinging in trees as other primates do. However, Baboons do spend their nights in the trees and will also retreat to the safety and vantage point of the tree canopy when under threat. They are agile, resourceful and highly sociable—masters of survival—and can out-manoeuvre even the biggest cats, i.e., lions and leopards, which are their chief predators.

Baboon wisdom tells you to reach for a higher viewpoint when you deal with predator interference. If you do not seek the higher perspective of higher guidance, staying only grounded could endanger you at this time. Take to the trees with the Baboons for a time of meditation and wait for the turbulence, or dangerous situation, to pass. This will give you the space and time to find a wider perspective and access greater insight and will show you why and what you are to learn from your experience. Encountering Baboon energy indicates that now is not the time to get involved in external situations nor become overly reactive to them. Rather, it is a time to see your objectives within a wider perspective and discern how best to move on into greater responsibility more maturely. Head home to your sacred space within, then, and find calm and stillness there so that you can meld your experience and intuition and so encourage change and growth for your own spiritual future as well as the spirit family around you.

Baboons troops are close-knit and can number anything from 7 to 200. The dominant male is responsible for the troop’s safety and leads the way, keeping the females and young secure to the centre of the group. The other males act as sentries, barking warnings to each other and fighting with foreign rogue males should they try to join the troop. Baboons fiercely stand their ground against intruders whom they will force into flight, or retreat. When Baboon appears, know that you are on notice to be protective, supportive, energetically aware and responsible towards yourself, your family (physical and spiritual) and your community and steer away from threatening interferences and any incorrect experiences that may present themselves to you. Baboon medicine is about not avoiding your life experiences but rather about knowing how to deal correctly with their risks and finding the best way to respond to any threats. It is about connecting with Source (reaching “high into the trees”) to gain a higher perspective so you can find a better and safer way.

Baboons behave as if they spend much care and attention on each other. These very sociable creatures appear to enjoy each other’s company and spend a lot of time mutually grooming to remove ticks, fleas and debris from each other’s fur—a practice that cements the firm bonding of the troop. Baboon wisdom suggests to humans their need to show greater care towards each other and to be involved in removing unwanted energies attracted in daily routines. This wisdom is also about helping the younger members of one’s family to find the discipline required to grow and about learning, through all experiences, to lead by example. Baboon families are not prone to fighting, nor even squabbling, and tend to seek a peaceful and harmonious existence. They communicate constantly with many grunts and a variety of facial expressions demonstrating the disciplined maturity of their social behaviour within the troop. When Baboon appears in your life it could indicate a time for you to review how well you communicate with those around you. How harmoniously are you travelling and are you behaving in a mature and disciplined way?

Baboons are always on the move to find new feeding grounds where they graze on plants, many of which can be toxic to other animals. Baboons have the ability to find nourishment in a greater variety of plants than do others who find comparative difficultly in digesting. Baboon wisdom teaches how to use greater discernment in digesting thoughts. Baboons have been under threat from human agricultural methods which have sought to eradicate them as a pest to crops, but the Baboons’ vigilance has paid off. They have survived despite all extermination efforts and their populations continue to flourish. Baboon medicine is that of being prepared to meet the challenges in life by always seeking a higher perspective from which to gain expanded vision and so find another way. Baboon energy shows you how to allow each experience to deliver you new wisdom, to take ‘time out’ to find a quite space so you can become the catalyst that opens up frontiers and new ways for your future.

Experience Risks Challenges Higher Perspectives Higher Point of View Community Time Out
30 Mandala, The Fleet of the Following, Rich Turquoise, Malachite, Baboon, Sound Chord G6

Her very first

Three years and three days, it took, for the LGBB's first WEE ON THE TOILET!!!!! What is it with the three's?

"Just wait for the child," they all say. Which is hella easy for them to say when they don't have Miss I SHAN'T in their house. She has refused to even look at the potty or a toilet. There is an open-door "Toily Policy" here in this house. We seem to have learnt to go with her coming and going from the bathroom as she pleases. Makes for some interesting natural flight or fight responses on the old sphinctoral reflexes sometimes, I can assure you (as many of you could also relate to, I'm sure).

No, the LGBB has flatly refused to even consider the prospect of sitting on anything toilet-related. Then, every so often over the past few months, she's thrown me a bone. She'd sit on that throne and demand allsorts. Which she didn't get. So she'd get back down. And that'd be that, for weeks on end.

Today I was at my wits' end, I tell youse all. WITS. END. Just with everything in general. It's been very difficult finding that fifth hour every weekday that I've been asked to work. The straw today was the LGBB blatantly pooing in front of me in her nappy while shaking her head that she wasn't, while INSISTING on helping me with hanging out washing and then cracking the shites when she "can't do it" like Mummy and throwing it on the dirty, dusty decking!!!

Yes, today was the first time ever that I have gone away and cried like a howling Jazz on my bed. The LGBB came and found me, said, "I'm here, Mama. Don't worry. Look, Scrapsy's here. It's ok...." with an arm pat and a wipe away of my hair from my face. GOD. More tears.

And then in a moment of sort of nutty-calm Shirley Valentine-esque clarity, I did it. I just serenely went and got a bag, told her she was going to throw out all her nappies using it and marched her confidently around the house collecting nappies to put them in the bag and then garbage bin outside.

OMG. It bloody WORKED.

I set a timer for every 10 mins and made it fun. She did nothing all afternoon. She went for two hours (her record is a kidney-fearing SEVEN.......... when she flatly refused last time to either use the toilet OR put a nappy on and ended up flooding her carseat on the way home from child care that long, arduous day - I am TELLING you she is Miss I Shan't) and then as Stoive and I were chatting, we put her on the toily before the bath and there it was.

The sweetest, tinkly sound ever to hit my ears. The look on her face was priceless. Stunned, horrified, proud and ridiculously excited all rolled into one.

When you've gone so long with your child not even willing to be compliant about taking a pew on the poe, this is HUGE.

Stropfest of '09 is officially over

Can we still be friends?

I didn't mean to sound as though I wanted a love-in at every post. Gosh, I know how blogs work!

My sensitivity was coming from the recent health scare that is shrouding the family right now. I observed over 60 different IP's (computer addresses, basically) visit in less than two days when I posted about that. And while they're the sort of numbers this blog usually sees on a daily check-in basis (not including feeds) and the traffic was down, in the silence and lack of support equal to (or anywhere near similar) that amount of readers over that time, I felt a bit undressed emotionally. It's my Dad! It was not a TV show character I was talking about, not a distant relative or someone else's friend's aunty's boyfriend I am about to go and carry with my (somewhat fractured, inept) family. It's my Dad. The only parent I have any relationship with. The only person in my family, really, who I feel "leaves me alone" and takes me as I am. Truthfully.

It's funny, I sort of see my blog as a friend. Do any of you see your blogs that way? After this many years, which is longer than some acquaintances last in any meaningful fashion, it is ingrained in my daily routine. Certainly weekly "obligation". It is something I allow myself time to pay attention to. It is somewhere I come to voice things I sometimes don't get an opportunity (or desire) to do in my daily life. With real human beans.

So when so many pairs of eyes came and, I assume, read about the trial facing my father, I found it really painful to think that nobody would stop a moment to comment. It's one of those times when the reality of people reading your words, as if you were "simply" a reality TV show, hit me. I often forget "you all" are out there. As I said, I see my blog as one (collective) friend. And I felt let down by it.

Ironic, really, that the gorgeousness of those who have commented has come to the fore - you women are the ones who usually comment! There are four times as many of you reading... and, in the silence since my post last weekend, I have to simply accept, I see that now, that you just don't wanna show yourselves.

This hiatus has nought to do with the people who are regular contributors (and if you post once every 3 months, you are still counted in that category!) by way of comments. It was more to do with the faceless, nameless people who could well be my next door neighbour, recognising my daughter and having a grand old time reading about me when I know nothing about them ..... it leaves one with a rather vulnerable feeling. A bit short-changed too, shall we say, to not know who that is.

This is why I had to do lots of thinking about my purpose with my blog this week.

I've decided, meh, you can't really stop who reads you. You can't make people find their hearts and consciences and comment when they have never (but read avidly, regularly.... *taps nose*). All you can really do is decide what to give of yourself. If this means I have to take sunny palm-tree-filled holidays (in my mind only) from here/you occasionally in order for me to still write as I see it/feel it, then that is what I will do. Some of you many not see blogs as coming from real people, but I assure you..... this one does, at the very least.

Still. Shrug. Off we go! There is much I wanted to tell you, dear Blog-friend. I have just been so inundated with work (and attacks of the tireds) and this business of thinking, "Do I really need you in my life?" and it's all built to a crescendo.

I'll just leave it to Homer to illustrate where I was this week....

Turning 3 has its perks

I never knew the job description also stated you could torture your mother with thinly-veiled sarcasm and wheeler-dealer moves barely 3 days after you blew out three candles on your cake.......

I'll just have a small piece from Lolly Lovers on Vimeo.

My favourite part? Her feigning realisation at the end that I wanted a piece (now that she'd scoffed it) and saying, "Oh, s.. so.. sorry, here, you can have all these bits" and handing me her crumbs.

What wasn't caught on film was the stashing of the plate after she'd retracted her offer of the remnants. I found it stealthily hidden on one of the kitchen stools a few minutes later.

On Sabbatical

Don't be alarmed if I don't post here for a while.

Am going through a new phase. Working mother, friend, energetic worker, partner..... I'm finding the balance of my energy expenditure is requiring tweaking. I want to take time to look at whether I am comfortable giving energy here, in this space online, when I don't receive. I am a giver and not a receiver by nature. But sometimes, it smarts. I have to look at why. And what really counts.

I ran into a gentle-man today at Woolworths. I felt the energy* come in last night and was confused, hellishly confused, by it. When this happens, I go ape at the person closest to me: the husband. He pointed out, cryptically but tellingly, that I "always do this" after around 10pm at night. I guess that's when I start downloading the energy. And until today, I've never recognised that that's what it is.

The penny dropped today with such a thud against my thick noggin.

This man was in the fruit and veg section, poring over his shopping list. He looked up at me by "chance", I glanced at him and we both smiled at each other. It's rare to receive that. But then he said, "Good morning." Even rarer, really, in a busy supermarket.

"Hi," I replied. I wandered past him, keen to pick up my bananas and keep moving. Lots to do today. But he started telling me that his wife had made the list. "She's been in hospital over a week now."

End stage ovarian cancer. She's so far lived a year beyond her two year life expectancy. All she wants today is fresh fruit. He went through his day with me, how he'll not have breakfast, leave the dishes untouched in his sink and just drive straight there to see her. "It's an awful drive to the hospital, I hate the drive," he said.

We never dropped eye contact. I stopped still, in the busyness of my own day (I'm preparing for Lolly's 3rd birthday party tomorrow) and gave this man my time. How could I not stop? How could I not impart kindness to a stranger for five minutes?

We spoke for a bit longer, I mostly listened, and I walked away after he had gone, my eyes full to the brim with tears. It was a profound exchange we had. I saw in his eyes that he appreciated me taking that time, even when I hardly said a word to him. I realised as I went around the supermarket, that this is what I'm here for. It's not the people I know, so much, it's the people I don't know who I'm really "here" for.

So. These are the things that, if I am not careful, go unnoticed by me. Just flit past me in the course of my own inflated sense of self-hard-done-by-ness. I am still not well versed in recognising where my energy goes and how often, but I am learning. Fast. When those close to me take, take, take without so much as a "thanks" or other recognition, it's not that I feel indignant at not being appreciated, for this is what I do. I give.

But I have been looking to human nature to repay me. To fill me back up. I've been looking in entirely the wrong direction. I ought to be looking up. Or at least out. To my Source. My guidance and spiritual support.

If I don't, I will lose the plot and fall into a cynical, bitter, hard-done-by heap, wondering why people take from me and never give. Why they can read my blog but never comment, particularly when I'm writing about things so close to my heart. Why they can ask me for help but never offer it. I have to find the equilibrium where those things don't matter and I have enough in me to keep giving out while I continue to fill up with non-physical and, frankly, non-human gestures. I think it's called being responsible for one's actions. Or inaction, as the case may be. It's not good enough, for me, to continue sailing on and refusing to stop being so oblivious to what I give out, or not, and why.

I thought long and hard about removing my blog, as it all felt too much these past two weeks. But I have decided to keep it here. I just have to regroup, like I said, and feel the love again (as well as really consider how much of myself I want to continue expressing on here) before I can continue to give in this area of my life.

So, over and out for the time being. I'll catch you when I've got my head and heart sorted.


* healing energy, that is, for someone.... ie. for me to pass on. When this happens, it can be quite hard to take/accept and I often, often, forget that sometimes this extra energy I feel is not for or about me (it doesn't make me want to run marathons or jump around - it's not energy like that, it's more just like an over-abundant, fracturing kind of feeling.... because, as I said, it's not for me to do anything with but give out/pass on, and I am usually unaware I'm about to, say, bump into some bloke in need of some young woman to stop and take a moment to acknowledge his extremely difficult circumstances while he helps his dying wife get more comfortable). I am still learning to look out for it and wonder where this late-night mood swing comes from. Hopefully, now, this will stop happening more and more because I am becoming more aware that it's "not my mood" doing this. iykwim... at all.... LOL.