Saturday, July 18, 2009

On Sabbatical

Don't be alarmed if I don't post here for a while.

Am going through a new phase. Working mother, friend, energetic worker, partner..... I'm finding the balance of my energy expenditure is requiring tweaking. I want to take time to look at whether I am comfortable giving energy here, in this space online, when I don't receive. I am a giver and not a receiver by nature. But sometimes, it smarts. I have to look at why. And what really counts.

I ran into a gentle-man today at Woolworths. I felt the energy* come in last night and was confused, hellishly confused, by it. When this happens, I go ape at the person closest to me: the husband. He pointed out, cryptically but tellingly, that I "always do this" after around 10pm at night. I guess that's when I start downloading the energy. And until today, I've never recognised that that's what it is.

The penny dropped today with such a thud against my thick noggin.

This man was in the fruit and veg section, poring over his shopping list. He looked up at me by "chance", I glanced at him and we both smiled at each other. It's rare to receive that. But then he said, "Good morning." Even rarer, really, in a busy supermarket.

"Hi," I replied. I wandered past him, keen to pick up my bananas and keep moving. Lots to do today. But he started telling me that his wife had made the list. "She's been in hospital over a week now."

End stage ovarian cancer. She's so far lived a year beyond her two year life expectancy. All she wants today is fresh fruit. He went through his day with me, how he'll not have breakfast, leave the dishes untouched in his sink and just drive straight there to see her. "It's an awful drive to the hospital, I hate the drive," he said.

We never dropped eye contact. I stopped still, in the busyness of my own day (I'm preparing for Lolly's 3rd birthday party tomorrow) and gave this man my time. How could I not stop? How could I not impart kindness to a stranger for five minutes?

We spoke for a bit longer, I mostly listened, and I walked away after he had gone, my eyes full to the brim with tears. It was a profound exchange we had. I saw in his eyes that he appreciated me taking that time, even when I hardly said a word to him. I realised as I went around the supermarket, that this is what I'm here for. It's not the people I know, so much, it's the people I don't know who I'm really "here" for.

So. These are the things that, if I am not careful, go unnoticed by me. Just flit past me in the course of my own inflated sense of self-hard-done-by-ness. I am still not well versed in recognising where my energy goes and how often, but I am learning. Fast. When those close to me take, take, take without so much as a "thanks" or other recognition, it's not that I feel indignant at not being appreciated, for this is what I do. I give.

But I have been looking to human nature to repay me. To fill me back up. I've been looking in entirely the wrong direction. I ought to be looking up. Or at least out. To my Source. My guidance and spiritual support.

If I don't, I will lose the plot and fall into a cynical, bitter, hard-done-by heap, wondering why people take from me and never give. Why they can read my blog but never comment, particularly when I'm writing about things so close to my heart. Why they can ask me for help but never offer it. I have to find the equilibrium where those things don't matter and I have enough in me to keep giving out while I continue to fill up with non-physical and, frankly, non-human gestures. I think it's called being responsible for one's actions. Or inaction, as the case may be. It's not good enough, for me, to continue sailing on and refusing to stop being so oblivious to what I give out, or not, and why.

I thought long and hard about removing my blog, as it all felt too much these past two weeks. But I have decided to keep it here. I just have to regroup, like I said, and feel the love again (as well as really consider how much of myself I want to continue expressing on here) before I can continue to give in this area of my life.

So, over and out for the time being. I'll catch you when I've got my head and heart sorted.

* healing energy, that is, for someone.... ie. for me to pass on. When this happens, it can be quite hard to take/accept and I often, often, forget that sometimes this extra energy I feel is not for or about me (it doesn't make me want to run marathons or jump around - it's not energy like that, it's more just like an over-abundant, fracturing kind of feeling.... because, as I said, it's not for me to do anything with but give out/pass on, and I am usually unaware I'm about to, say, bump into some bloke in need of some young woman to stop and take a moment to acknowledge his extremely difficult circumstances while he helps his dying wife get more comfortable). I am still learning to look out for it and wonder where this late-night mood swing comes from. Hopefully, now, this will stop happening more and more because I am becoming more aware that it's "not my mood" doing this. iykwim... at all.... LOL.

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