Friday, January 15, 2010

Hokay.... who wants to hear about Lucky #13?

Well, Internet, I thought I was doing smashingly. I got a positive line on a pregnancy test last Friday. That's a week of not letting on. Only two very close, trusted friends knew (I had to have someone to count things out with). And I was doing so well.

But then, the line became fainter on Tuesday. I waited out Ella's birth day on Wednesday, waiting to miscarry. Yesterday morning the line was non-existent. And today, I have been mercifully, obviously freed from the torment of waiting and wondering, especially considering the alternate reality I've been upholding with regard to grieving for Ella.

Yesterday I was a mess. I don't think there was an hour of the day I didn't reduce to tears over something. To make matters worse, the LGBB's little friend (who has nagged me for weeks and weeks to come and play at our house) tormented her the entire time she was here, snatching her own toys off her and running away with things and smacking Lolly's hand off anything Lolly tried to touch. Yep, I can hear some already saying "That's what kids do... she's just a kid..." yada-yada. BUT.... I didn't want to see it yesterday! It seemed so vicious. And besides, this girl is older than Lol (who is 3.5) but behaved more like the clueless anti-social three year-old. I was really sad to see it unfold the way it did, put it that way. She just refused to share anything and gallavanted around as if Lolly wasn't even here, so there were lots of tears for me to comfort (on top of my own!).

Anyway, enough about that. More about me..... I need to work this through and how I feel about it all. It's now not the first nor the second time we've had an unplanned result, neither of which turned out well. The reaction of my body is immediate, you know. My bra started filling out at the start of last week and the slight feeling of discomfort and firmness began before I was even due. By the eve of my pending period, I was saying to myself, "By jove, I think we've had a slip-up!" and had a very strong inkling that if I tested, I'd see that double line.

I have been taken out beyond my own thoughts this week with all this. In the background, beneath my anticipation (no, once again, we were not 'trying' although I am coming to believe that 'slip-ups' of this nature don't just whimsically occur - there must be some split second, momentary 'bring it on' vibes being sent out to the Universe controller/s, even if ever so brief), I have realised that this time, there are not one but two couples around us who have now been trying to conceive a baby of their own with absolutely no break-through for several years. And my first thoughts turned to them and the guilt I felt as I imagined telling them.

I'd like to tell you I came up with some amazing insights about this loss. Perhaps I will, in the coming days. I know it is designed to take me to task and test me - this is my pattern and my learning ground, if I didn't know THAT by now, I'd have to be a fruit cake - so if I discover any epiphany worth sharing, I know where to come express it.

For now, I'm giving this experience a slow nod of recognition. Laced with a bit of disdain. I've almost reached double figures in the straight-out Miscarriage Dept. (we've had two terminations, 9 spontaneous miscarriages and our two precious girls). And here I was, so sure that our Lucky Pregnancy #13 would be the one to stick. Goes to show how much I know.

I could say 'I'm sick of this shit', but really... that wouldn't get me anywhere. That just sounds belligerant and a bit teenagerish. So I'll go up, out and seek answers. If nothing else, my suitcase of gifts and abilities for my calling is expanding. Even if my belly will not.

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