Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Taking a moment

I've been looking at our daughter through different eyes these past two weeks. The day I discovered the lines on the pregnancy test, we had a nap together. I was so tired (pregnancy hormones had begun to hit) and, mercifully, so was Lol. While she dozed, I watched her. For over an hour, I gazed at her lovely face. So beautiful, such a freaking miracle that she is here to ease our angst. Each and every day.

That day, all of the wonderings and what if's of the future and a new pregnancy battled in my mind with the ones that insisted I "stay in this moment, right here, right now, don't go into flights of fancy... not this time, not yet." Once again, my good ol' instincts proved right. I could see, as I was getting further into the week, that my heightening tightening grip on the process was becoming too desperate for this to turn out 'happily'. I knew it. I denied it. Again! *d'oh*

One of the most poignant scenes of last week was watching our sweet little girl blowing out the six candles on her sister's cake. The cake was rather hard for Daddy and I to swallow past that lump in our throats, but seeing Lolly's face light up both when we decorated it and ate a piece each was all worth it.

My meandering thoughts will find their way to a proper post. Soon. There is too much I have uncovered this time (yes, I know, who KNEW you could still be 'learning' after 10 miscarriages!?) for me not to share, I am duty-bound to do so. It's far too late in the peace for me not to.

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