Saturday, June 25, 2011

Putting patterns into perspective: Part 1

Have you ever had a moment like Jerry or George from Seinfeld where your censoring system guy - who sits in your head and watches everything you say to protect you from any slip-ups - goes for a coffee at an inopportune moment and leaves you driving your mouth (or fingers on a keyboard) and then you end up wishing you could take whatever you've said back but it's too late?

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I had no idea when I made this tongue in cheek post about Ebay buyers a few weeks back that I was set to encounter a huge lesson in a way I would never have imagined I could.

See, I have been trying (still) to imagine I'm not as connected as I actually am to the unseen dimension of energy. Rather, the energy we all have - that scientifically prove one, the one that's like a force field around each of us - and usually go around obliviously delivering on others. I'm very mindful of mine and how I impart it. I'm still really sucky at walking right in, sitting right down and then getting absolutely lambasted by someone energetically, as if I never saw it coming. I am slow to integrate my lessons, it would appear...

So there I was the Thursday before last, apparently minding my own business on that lunar eclipse/verge of full moon day. I woke to an email that morning from an Ebay buyer. She had received her item and was not happy. Her email was efficient and business-like, not rude by any measure and made a fair point. But I got confused by it. I didn't know what she wanted from me. From my perspective, she merely contacted me to dump and give me a bit of a back-hander. I received it as I sensed it was intended: an "elder" berating a "younger" and showing in a not so subtle way that "this is not how we do things, young lady." It made me bristle slightly. And that should have been my very first clue/warning sign. I overlooked how it began to churn my insides. Completely ignored my own adequate instincts and kept steering myself headlong into a stirring battle.

She didn't want me to do anything. She did not want to return the item or get a refund. She simply wanted to tell me she what she was going to do. A healthy dose of martyrdom, if ever I noticed it. I didn't have to fix anything and there was essentially nothing wrong. But still... she contacted. She dumped. (I don't want to go into any specifics whatsoever, hence the hint of cryptic analysis here) 

So what did I do? I saw this as a "let her have her say and feel heard and she'll be on her way" sort of scenario. I replied in a detached "I'm not taking this on" tone. And that was my second mistake/warning sign. I didn't really know what she wanted from me so I made up my own assumptions and dumped back (in hindsight). There were enough hints in her email that I gathered her to be a woman of high standards with a fair few years (probably decades) on me.

I sent my reply. It was received somewhat negatively. I did not say what she wanted me to say - after all, I did not know (for she was unclear) why she was contacting me so I basically sent a "I'm sorry you feel that way *shrug* Let me know if you want a refund" back. For some reason known only to her at this point, it riled her.

It appeared I had somehow said all the wrong things. She upped the ante. And hit "Send" back at me with her own heightening frustration at this strange situation. I was literally told I was wrong. That I "should have said/offered" this and that. And that is where I got slurped in to her version of things. Her story.

Being the instigator (or aggressor), she has the upper hand here. The agenda, if you will. She can watch me react and remain lofty, for she knows exactly what her script says. And I have strayed from it. So she continues, over the course of the next 36-48 hours, to fire off emails back to me in an increasingly firm tone. And I am thinking about what her next reply is going to be. I start hiding from her emails, so much so that I actually quit my email program - THIS, if you know me, is quite unheard of for me and something I never do - and I am feeling rather hit by a truck. I am exhausted and I realise it is all to do with my energy being leeched. Nothing physical at home is taxing me, there is no discord here. My strength, my energy, is all going into this mental battle of wills and I actually find myself grateful for recognising it quickly this time.

And that is when I realise. Smacking my palm to my forehead. I've missed it again!

I walked right in to it. I got slurped up into another's energetic pattern. Only this time, I was fairly and squarely in this situation of stranger-to-stranger pot-shot-taking. What the hell?? At various points, I was called rude and my whole demeanour was assumed and pulled apart and dissected. I was "rude" because, as far as I can still tell, I had not adhered to her script... I had not said what she expected me to say. I am telling you, it was astounding. Very smooth, no stooping to name calling, no outright losing control of herself, all very high-brow. But tinged with an air of superiority, all the same.

And I (stupidly) kept replying. About three exchanges before I couldn't physically take what it was doing to me. Her emails kept coming, little facetious updates, little digs, little niggles.

This kind of huge physical reaction (the exhaustion and desperate need to shut myself off from everyone outside of those I live with), for me, signals that a huge personal lesson is taking place. It doesn't happen to me so blatantly usually, more often it is little discords here and there that I can energetically ride out, as we all do - without realising - day in, and day out.

Now I was watching the train hurtling towards the other train at breakneck speed but still I didn't slam on the brakes. What was I thinking?

Well, I was thinking by this time, "What is it about this woman that is bringing this feeling out in me?" I had begun to consciously explore, with growing fascination, why the things she was saying were bringing out a reaction in me that was - given the extremely loose (if any) connection to this woman that would end as soon as the Ebay matter resolved - causing such a huge reaction in me. The obviousness of this, the very fact it had made me take notice and look more closely at the exchange, has been a lesson in and of itself.

To a lesser extent, I was also pondering what it might be about me that was grating on her so - I say "lesser" only because this is not for me to know - and whether she was having any lessons of her own by now.


And now I am going to have to make this a cliff-hanger. Sorry! This has gone on far too long so I'm going to continue it in a few days. I have work to do, you've no doubt got more blogs to read or sunshine to feel on your faces. But I wanted to begin this - it's been sitting in my Drafts folder for a week as it is and I've had to change much of it to past tense.

A very, very surprising conclusion came several days after I was planning to post this. God I LOVE how the Universe delivers like that.

Looking forward to sharing the next part of the learning with you, though. I want to discuss how the "patterns" part comes into it.  So check back soon if you're interested!

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