Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Tips from a seasoned Ebay seller

Okay, here are mine. You ready? Here we go...

Tip #1:  Remember to plug in your doorbell so it's in good working nick for the winning bidder when they come to collect their item.

Tip #2:  Remember you forgot to remember to plug in your doorbell.

Tip #3:  Best to do this before tips #4 through #10.

Tip #4:  When you hear the cat rattling the front security door to come in, do more than just mutter "That bloody cat" to yourself/your iPad-dabbling husband who's uselessly sitting on the couch.

Tip #5:  When the cat continues to bang on the door, instead of having a conversation with your husband about how "that bloody cat sounds like she's really knocking on the door" and then parodying a bit of a slapstick sketch that involves you rapping an imaginary door in front of you and curling your hand up into a paw (hiding your opposable thumb to make it even more realistic) while you put on a cat voice and go "Mar-raooow?", just go and check the front door.

Tip #6:  If you have already done tips #1-#5, or part thereof, DO NOT under any circumstances call out to your cat in a "mraowree" whining voice towards the door, "Jush a minnnute, Tabbzeeeee". Just trust me on this one.

Tip #7:  GO AND CHECK WHY THE CAT SOUNDS SO FRANTIC AND PERSISTENT. Again, preferably before you get to tip #5.

Tip #8:  It's best not to apologise profusely to the winning bidder standing on your front doorstep for "sounding like the cat". You'll only look more ridiculous. I tried it once this one time* and I think I got away with it, but it's not recommended.

Tip #9:  Get your husband to effect the Ebay transaction with the visitor who's been standing patiently rattling your front door while her sleeping baby wakes in the car - let no dickhead Ebay seller get between mother and her baby's sleep routine - and excuse yourself back to the kitchen under the pretense of checking dinner.

Tip #10:  Look for wine. If you find none, it's okay to curl your knees up to your chest for a little minute and cringe on the inside. Even wail a little. Don't forget to let your husband laugh at you. It makes the bond tighter.

Happy bidding/selling!

* Like, last night. I've never wanted a do-over of a situation so badly.

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