The Life Path: Heading for my Balanced State

"I take care of my own needs in order to take care of others."

This is my balanced state of existence. Self-preservation. There have been rare times in my life where I have mastered achieving it and it is something I do still have to work hard on. I am rarely in that state.

This is a bit of a different post today. 2012 is my year to get more serious on my blog with what I do. More on that as the year gets into full swing. But for starters, here is an opportunity to give back to you a little something of what I do "professionally" these days. I'd love to hear from you if it sounds like something that might be useful or relevant for you, so feel free to contact me. Confidentiality is assured (otherwise I'd be really quite shit at my work, wouldn't I!).

Okay? Read on if you're interested!


We all have a balanced state, unique to us. We also have deficient, excessive and fear states as well. When things aren't quite ticking along or seem out of kilter in our communication with others, or in the general way we see things in our lives, it can be helpful to gain further understanding so that we then have the free-will and choice to make change. In whatever direction. (Sometimes, I can have all the understanding about my particular way of being in a situation and still walk head-long - the long way around! - into further hurt and harm and shattering lessons)

My general life lesson/purpose is the responsibility of change - transition is my lot. For many years, I gnashed my teeth and was frustrated by the begin again and again and bloody AGAIN nature of my existence! When I discovered, through my study, a deeper understanding and purpose for this repetition, I had a far greater expansive awareness of myself and why I was going through the mill. Little by little, the begin-again lessons stopped, for I was able to look at each previously frustrating or hurtful occurrence in my life and learn about my role in them and whether there was anything in my power to change (if not how then) why they occurred. It was a turning point in my heal-the-healer journey I've been on.

The other states of the psyche, as I mentioned - and we all have these, but they are different for each of us - are "excessive", "deficient" and "fear". When we are striving to understand these, we can begin to have a more complete picture of what makes us tick.

My deficient state (when I am not quite feeling balanced and there is instead a depletion somewhere in my pattern) is "ego-centric", ie. "Things are not quite how I want them to be." 
It's all about meee! There is a certain aspect of wanting to control with this one. I am very familiar with it! It, too, is a lesson that keeps knocking on my door and as my life progresses, I can now recognise that this is not a balanced way to live my life. It has been helpful to know.

My excessive state (when the pendulum is swinging too far in the other direction and I am over-grown with something) is "aggressive", ie. "I expect conflict in my life."
This is where I am currently. I have been in an extended period of the excessive state of the psyche. It is not comfortable, it has kinda lately become my new norm, even though I know I am not this aggressive person. Partially, yes - it is in there and I need to know it to be familiar with my whole Self - but to this degree and intensity and for this long? Nu-uh.

And get this:  My fear state is "fear of death, or of birth."
Well, well, well. Hasn't that been one shock to my system then, eh?! It's little wonder, when I look at it, that I have been delivered the repetitive lessons that I have about death. And of birth. Why, my whole adult life so far has been consumed by both those things - the prospect of birth of each of my conceived children (that'd be 14 so far) and the death of all but one of them.

So, okay. I've mastered the fear state. I am familiar with but currently not steeped in my deficient state. I am going to diligently stay with the Excessive State lessons and see what I can work through. Because enough is enough.

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Have you reached a point where you're looking for another way? A bit of a break-through? That gnawing kind of feeling like you know there's something that is holding you at bay from "the next step" (whatever that is for you) but you just don't know what??

If anyone would like a consultation (online, via email) on their Life Path, I am available from January 2012. For a small fee, you will receive a pdf containing information specific to your numerological Life Path number, which is determined by your birth date. It can be general, as above, or a decade-specific one (ie. if you are in your 30's, the information provided can be specifically about your 4th decade here on Earth if you prefer!), or both if you want as much information as you can get. Also included are a couple of tools to support you along the way - your Animal and Plant totems (text), essential oil/essence understanding (text) and your Life Path colour mandala.


To get started, simply email me via kirrily@geneticfactor.com, send me a DM on Twitter, find me via Facebook.... there is a plethora of ways! All I need is your birth date (including the year) and a contribution via Paypal and you will have your Life Path reading in just a few days.

Be your own Light source

The other night, in my jumble of thoughts that had been piled one atop the other until I could start to sort through them - much like a pile of clean clothes that waits to be folded until you absolutely MUST move them because you need the laundry basket - I remembered a single line from one of the latter chapters of my book.

The first part of the chapter (unedited, okay, just if you're reading and you're "in the field" and you want to take potshots *disclaimer over*) is below. But the poignant line that kept repeating in my head as I grabbed that much-needed alone time in the shower was:

Be your own Light source.

I can't be more profound than that. Perhaps it will speak to you if you read the following, but I am damned if I can string together a coherent sentence in my mind now to more properly or completely explain myself.... Gimme a break. I've just farewelled Cyclone Family (I love them, I gnash my teeth over them - the children - I wonder why my daughter MUST copy the naughty antics and lose herself in her cousins instead of being her beautiful self, while they are here. I mourn, deeply, the fact that I will not see my sister in-law again for another two years when they leave... But now, at least I can think for the first time in two weeks and have some precious sweet Me Time)

For now, I want to ask you:  Do you know how to be your own Light Source?

AUGUST

In August, I had a really profound dream. I was, of course, still coming back down to Earth after the euphoria of giving birth to our girl, as well as becoming familiar with the floating nothingness of learning how to live without her - and yet, with her, for she was both eternally in my life and not present.

At first, the dream didn't seem like much. But it was terrifying, bathing me in a cold sweat. One of those dreams that really grips you. One that you come out of, realising, by the sensations in your body, that you've had adrenaline coursing through you and when you connect it was because of the dream you just had, it kind of freaks you out a little bit more. Years later, I can still remember the fear and dread I felt, long after I woke up.

In the dream, I was somewhere outside, in pitch darkness. My eyes were wide as saucers, trying to adjust to the lack of light. Eventually, I was able to see a little way in front of me.

I was in a forest. A forest of dead, bare, white-barked trees standing grey against the pitch darkness of the night. It looked as though a fire had gone through and razed all the vegetation, everything seemed to be covered in white ash. It was beautiful, almost lunar in its appearance – if the moon’s surface bore dead trees, that is.  

In the distance, I saw something flicker. It was the flash of a wild animal’s eyes glinting off a light source. A rising sense of fear sent goosebumps right up my back and into my scalp. The animal was hunched over in a prowling, purposeful stance, coming towards me and fixing its steadfast, hungry intent on me as it padded closer, hunting me like I was its prey. I backed up and found myself standing alongside one of the trees. Clambering up the trunk, I tried to get as high off the ground as I could. I was petrified but I didn't know what of, exactly. The dark, the predatory animal, the silence. All of it. I was hyperventilating and panicking by now. This was not what I had bargained for, this dream, when I had gone to bed that night asking for a message or visit from Ellanor (something I had grown used to doing, for I learned to look out for her or her words in my dream state). And then I saw the animal. 

Wow, it's beautiful but it looks spooked, I thought. It looks menacing and out for my blood, why is it hunting me so fiercely? What is it? I was instantly informed, somehow, that it was an ocelot. Its staring eyes never left mine as it came closer and closer, really getting low to the ground now. And then it leapt towards me.

I was up the tree with nowhere else to go. The ocelot sank its sharp, feline claws into my right thigh. And I screamed. The pain was searing and instant, a sting that lingered for some time after I woke up. When I did force myself awake, there was a silent scream still in my lungs and I breathed out the air I had been holding onto.

I still felt shaken, hunted, although I was now in the relative safety of the darkness of our bedroom, feeling more and more present in the room, Steve sleeping peacefully at my side. When I made myself think back over the events of the dream, I suddenly realised I had been the light source. I made a promise to myself to seek out the animal wisdom teachings of the ocelot, for I had been getting used to seeing these sorts of things – dreams and other seemingly odd or out of place messages – as signposts to my further learning, becoming guided by the rhythms of these instances that were unfolding for me in my life more and more, instead of shying away from them. Once upon a time, before knowing Ellanor, these were the sorts of things that I would wave off, not even willing to consider them as anything other than random occurrences in my daily life (or dream state).

It took me four years before I finally got around to looking up the ocelot totem, even though I was still wondering from time to time during those years what it had been trying to say to me that night. What I uncovered helped to retrospectively patch another part of the quilt of my healing at that time in my life, for I had also been on the precipice of growing into the more aware, more open, more willing person I was to become.

“Animal Totem: The Ocelot

Comfortable in the high trees and in water, Ocelot can show you how to adapt to whatever environment you find yourself and how to look at your surroundings from on high. Ocelot also shows you how to regenerate through solitude and quiet meditation. Because they live in both land and water, they have a connection with both the physical and spiritual world and the ability to be in two places at once. Use Ocelot as your meditation guide to connect to the spirit world.”  

Putting aside what was obvious to me - that the appearance of the ocelot in my dream, and now finding this particular totem’s wording, was a confirmation of connecting with Ella in the world she had so briefly left to come here – I found the dream so much more profound, now that the years had passed, as if it had happened back then in order for me to bookmark it, somehow, and provide me with this affirming proof so far down the path I had been on. I was the Light source, a point not lost on me, now I look back on it. It gave me some confirmation, at least, that I had been on the 'right track', even back then when I honestly thought I might shrivel up and be forgotten if I did not diligently stay the course in my connection to my own truth. 

"If they can't get it through to you while you're awake, they'll do it when you're asleep!" Jen had once told me, laughing at my wide eyes. How right she was.

My life was much different around the time of the visit from the ocelot. I was looking at things from a higher perspective more often by then – from my soul's perspective, or my higher consciousness – for that was where I was learning to forgive myself and my actions, give myself and others a break, find my own solace and, most important to my survival, have a safe place in which to regenerate and fill up my reserves, sometimes daily. For this was my new way of being; Steve and I were living a life pummelled by insecurities now, without all our previous social masks and various obligatories to cushion us. We were dealing with our sorrow, learning how to incorporate our lost child in our lives with meaning and joy, whilst continually having to replenish enough strength to weather whatever the next day and its trespasses were going to bring. I was supposed to learn to accept these shortcomings, delivered by the people around us, even though some were clearly not accepting me in my newfound state.

Towards the end of August, I wrote in my journal:

I am a psycho

Now I’m totally depressed and low, I give up. Don’t even know why I am writing.

I can’t do “this” anymore, whatever “this” is. I don’t want to say I want to stop trying to get pregnant, but I think I have to. I’d say it’s for my sanity, but if I stop trying, I haven’t got any other focus, really, so how can that be good for me?

I’m exhausted. I just completely give up.

So tired of all this shit.

I just wish I wasn’t here.

I don’t feel, at the present moment, that there is anything that really brings me true joy anymore.

Not Steve. Not Pepper. Not friends or family. Nothing previously in this journal. I feel like a fake. And maybe I am.

I can’t stand this life. I hate where I am. And I am stuck here.

Just living.

And I don’t know what for.

 

Diary entry, 25th August, 2004

I recall that this was one of, if not the, lowest days I have ever had in my life. If I was truly going to end my life, it would surely have been on that day. But, once again, something gradually bailed me out over the ensuing hours. As acceptance of my continuing living, breathing, physical self set in, the tears flowed. I did not want to feel stuck here, on Earth. This was not the death sentence I was meant to subject myself to, not in Ellanor’s name. I briefly noted the turning point of coming out of destitution into decisiveness. There did not seem anything more to say:

Spent the rest of the 25th and most of yesterday inconsolably sobbing.

I have given up on being pregnant, of ever having children, anyway – something (someone?) in me keeps telling me it’s not giving up. It’s letting go, with acceptance.

Just as I did when Ella needed to go.

Diary entry, 27th August, 2004

Soon after I made this entry, Steve and I agreed that we had to confront the acceptance of facing a childless life together. It was so difficult to call it that, because we knew we had already given life to a child, yet here we were, having to consider ourselves possibly now destined to be “childless” anyway. We had connected very soundly with an amazing little baby with a huge soul and a set of challenging physical hurdles that meant she would leave us all too soon. It was, therefore, painfully difficult to say to each other, “Well, maybe that was it. Perhaps Ella was all we were ever meant to know.”

Don't wait for permission. Breathe out, it's okay to let go what you've been holding onto. You are adaptable, no matter what. Don't forget your Soul's perspective. You can be your OWN Light source. It is, after all, within you.

Have a good weekend. I'll be back properly next week!

Feeling a little sluggish

Isn't it always the way?

You get your blogging mojo back and then... BAM! Life gets in the way. Busy. Gets in the way.

So here I am, busy as all get-out, inspired up to the whazoo. And not a moment to write any of it out. Too much work going on, kids! Plus all the kindergarten work. My other unpaid job *grumble*

Image source

In the meantime, would you kindly take notice of a little fellow who sent me a message tonight just as I was getting out of the shower. A slug. A tiny baby slug. For some reason, on the bathroom floor. Hopelessly lost, obviously, and probably trying like hell to find familiar territory as opposed to the cold hard alien tiles.

I stared down at this small creature as I towel dried my back. Why was it there? For some reason, my mind was focusing on the fibres of the towel on my back. They were so soft. The towel was so dry and comforting. I really appreciated it. I found myself slowed to a pace where I truly appreciated the fact that I was able to have a warm shower. With clean water. In a large clean safe shower. Inside a house. My own house. A safe house. I stood there as my mind then wandered to think out to those who aren't home tonight. Those in hospital, those unable to lift an arm let alone have a shower. I then gave thanks that I was standing. That I was in no physical pain. That I was breathing, blinking, moving.

It was quite the profound shower.

And so, this little slug guy. He sent me this message. He was so slow, so prominently brown on my pale bathroom tile, that I had no option but to take notice of what he had to say. I got dressed, came out, looked up Snail & Slug. In amongst my work, for me to share with you, was this. I'd love to hear from you if you have anything to share that comes out of this for you. And if anyone wants any further reading or connecting totems/mandalas, please contact me. Email is probably best.

Snail

A Snail carries its home on its back and is able to guard against predators by returning inside its shell. This is a reminder to you to be aware of your vulnerability and how to manage and protect your emotional and spiritual sensitivities. This could be a time to be more self-protective and withdraw within to shield yourself from interferences from the world’s busy-ness.  Ask yourself, what are you dealing with when you encounter a Snail (e.g. on your way to work or when you are cleaning up your garden etc), as this could show you where to focus your energy in a relationship.  Meditating with Snail could highlight how best to protect yourself from unwanted energies, especially those energies that try to prevent you from continuing on your pathway of spiritual service to humanity.

Snail energy is about the softer, more sensitive side of your existence.  It represents the gentle, strong heartfelt feelings of the inner child and the manner in which you need to house and protect those sensitivities.  Now could be time to withdraw into your shell to contemplate your situation.  Ask yourself if you are perhaps hiding from your spiritual responsibilities, or overexposing yourself to the fear-based ridicule of others.  Snail wisdom will help you not to be too discouraged in broadening and grounding your spiritual conviction, for as a Snail grows, it lays down more shell thus enlarging its entrance and its existence.  This suggests that as you grow in understanding you should expand and broaden your etheric space to make room for greater commitment.  As you expand this space of spiritual conviction, you should be prepared to be of service to humanity.  Just as the Snail leaves a trail wherever it travels to help it over rough ground, you can leave a trail of good example for others to follow.  This will require your strength, courage and will power.  

Incidentally, when Snail energy connects with the energy of Horse, you will be further supported in your spiritual quest.  An understanding of the Snail and Horse will assist you to master your own vulnerability courageously.  There is an often overlooked partnership in spiritual lore that provides complete understanding of how best to weather the storms of life while remaining committed to being of spiritual service.  The spiritual sustenance which Snail and the Horse can provide is able to carry you forward when you are faced with the ridicule of others or are assailed by your own suspicions that in some way you are being conned into doing something false.

Horse energy sustains you for the long haul while Snail energy contains and conserves your commitment by having your safe home always with you wherever you go.  As you journey onwards, both Snail and Horse wisdom are able to offer guidance so that you can contain your inner psychological stability and provide yourself with necessary shelter from the outside world’s harshness.

Key words: Sensitivity   Vulnerability   Strength   Courage   Home   Safety    Inner Child   Shelter

Connections: Mandala 57 - Shelter in the Paddock, Light Russet, Epidote, Sound Chord G minor

Tabbarse

Well, I will just get right down to it and admit....

The "new" cat is a royal PITA.

I have never been quite this annoyed by a living creature before. Unless you count Jazz in her hey-day. Hmmm. Actually, yes. It's possibly a tie. To put it this way, our plumber was here last week (ooops.... sorry, was that rubbing it in, Steve(tropolis)?) and he asked - when Jazz bounced in and ricocheted back out, Tigger-style - how old our bag of beans was. I told him Jazz is coming up six in October. He looked sympathetic and said simply, "Well.... she's not likely to change now is she?" and I said, regrettably, no, I didn't think so. And we both watched her in silence as she attempted to impale herself by slamming into a fence post while playing fetch. With herself. I guess that's one good thing about Jazz: she has learned to make her own fun.

That darn cat, though, she just will NOT leave me alooooooone. So much so, the poor thing's name is now Tabbarse. Or Tabberzarse. It gives a slight satisfaction to be cursing while saying her name. If I sit down with a book (or print-outs - I'm usually reading and editing my own work), she comes and sits right in front of me and smooches her cheeks on the spine of the book. Or the pen I'm holding. Non-stop. If I wave her away and say 'NO!', it seems to encourage her all the more. And her cold little nose runs along my finger as I'm pointing her in the direction she should piss off move aside. As soon as I move, she is at my feet. Whatever room I am in, you can guarantee you will find the cat, perched on the closest high point adjacent to my head or where I'm sitting.

So now, not only do I have a four year-old who still is not keen on making her own arrangements with regards to playing (and the longest she has EVER gone is about 30-40 minutes playing on her own, in another room ohmygodohmygod it was so exciting!!!) and two dogs that fawn at every door and window to just catch a glimpse of me during the day, I have a crazy cat insistent on helping the others to drive me to within a millimetre of SAHMadness.
Tabby's meaowing for me begins at dawn and, while I used to be able to let her out for a play and she'd go and amuse herself outdoors until the afternoon, she has now decided that's not nearly as fun as standing at the front door and running her paws vertically on the security door. She makes it bang like an irate neighbour who's come to complain about the loud music (not... that that's ever happened... but I can just imagine it would sound like this).

If I succumb and let the cat in, she then meaows incessantly and gets under my feet, satisfied only when I feed her. Only thing is, she is overweight as it is and the vet has told me that she is not to have dry food ("Doesn't need it", he said, neither of us realising he had sentenced me to an endless run of putting up with a demanding cat who thinks her tummy is constantly empty, no matter if she just ate ten minutes ago). So she gets a can a day. Now, you try telling old droopy-tum and she'll just blink, shrug (her care factor about such matters is zero) and just meaow at you until YOUR ears bleed. And this is not to even mention the witching hour, that goes on for something like three hours, right after the LGBB has gone to bed. Tabby gets the spooks up and does flat-out sprints up and down the house. Not being a dainty slip of a thing, she hulks up and down on the floorboards sounding for all the world like a subwoofer kicking in with the bass during a helicopter scene from Apocalypse Now.

All of this being said, I have long since learned to look on such things as points of highlighting for me. There is something about her incredibly annoying insistence on being noticed - by me, in particular, for she doesn't go near Steve or Lolly but will actually try and be as close to me as she can at all times of the day and night (until bedtime, when she seems happy to retreat to her own bed) - that has really made me sit up and take notice. So she's doing her job well. A little too ruddy well, but nonetheless, I'm seeking to understand just why she's grating on me so. And she is going to continue to be the pain in my rear end until I work it out, just tipping quietly.

So I was on the phone to one of my teachers last week and I was talking to her about something I'm nutting out at the moment, to do with a certain pattern of energy that I have noticed (in a class setting) getting me all riled up and yet I say nothing and in fact am feeling a bit stifled. I know it's something I will keep coming up against - it will just be the same thing, different person, time after time and so far, there have been three people I have had to deal with this over so I know it's something for me to look into further - and I am working on figuring it out. I've also gotten into a bit of a rut with making time to seek my own guidance on things. I've become avoidant about doing any energetic work and I have been enjoying alcohol a bit lately (a great escapism tactic if ever there was one). Anyway, right when she was giving me some clues on where/how to start working this out, I had the dog (who represents loyalty) outside trying to bite and lung at the cat (which serves to highlight the imbalances in your life) through the window. We had to laugh, because it was virtually what we had been talking about - I have to work out where my loyalty is placed at the moment, especially in relation to what I am putting in to my intuitive senses and keeping myself balanced. If I don't, I run the risk of burning out/getting ill again, which was my pattern all last year.

I'll get around to it. I still haven't properly worked it through. I'm so gosh-darn tired this week, having not fully recovered from the other night when I had less than four hours' sleep (UGH.... don't ask.... but it involved a toddler's wet bed and being woken at 12.30am right at the end of my first 90-minute sleep cycle, so I then stayed awake until well after 5am).

If you are so inclined, and you have a cat gnawing at your energy (or otherwise making its presence obvious - more than usual), I recommend checking out the animal wisdom for Cat. I have just posted it on my Earth Healing blog. It is fascinating.

Do you have annoying animals at your house? Pets who haven't grown up? Pooches who think they're people? Cats who won't stop crying? If you do, you have my sincere condolences.

Well, what better name for a Light worker's cat!?

We inherited a cat tonight. Completely out of the blue.

She's the ex-pet of a new acquaintance's husband's cousin... got that?... who moved overseas a month ago. The new home hasn't worked out - and we're not saying this one will yet either, not until next weekend after this trial run is over - so we have taken her in.

Once we get to know her a bit more, I'll introduce her a bit further. But for now, about all there is to know is that she is a 5 or 6 year old black cat named Tabitha. A very fitting name for this household, if you ask me and Lolly! We've been calling her Tabby and realising it sounds utterly ridiculous to be calling a black cat 'Tabby'. So we're trying 'Tabsy' on as well and it's fitting more comfortably for us all so far.

The LGBB is enamoured. She loves cats, as does Steve. When Tabitha was due to arrive (it was literally, "Can you take this cat?" "Ummmm.....ooooo...kay?" "GREAT! I'll bring her round after work, in about an hour!"), Lolly stood out on the porch calling her "TAAAABBEEEE!" like they were already firm friends. And tonight, before she went to bed, she insisted on putting a letter she had written "to Tabby" next to her cat cage in the laundry, "so she knows it's a lovely home here." Lolly's words, not mine. I'm still waiting to see how the dogs are going to appreciate this addition to the hierarchy. It may all be over by this weekend if the kitty litter hits the fan.

I must say, though, that initial impressions are that apparently, this cat needs this family. Or perhaps, this family now requires this particular cat.

I will also be looking up the Cat animal wisdom, you can be sure, and I'll post it here once I dig it out. This all happened so very fast, and truth be told, I'm not really a cat person [what, the two dogs and nary a mention of cats in the five years I've been blogging didn't give that one away already?]. But something about this story made me say Yes before I even thought about it. I find that very often, the easiest decisions to be made (and ultimately, the right ones) happen that way.

Add to this the recollection of a very curious 'vision' of a close friend at the end of last year - that she could see a black cat wandering around a house where I was doing my healing/consulting work from. And.... just a big "hmmmm" from me to that one. Plans are currently in the works to finish off part B of our extension, whereby the garage is built and my home office/consulting room behind it. Yes. That'd be the consulting room I never thought I'd actually see built and had always waved off the suggestion that I'd be doing this anywhere, let alone from home, on a legitimate, formal basis because "there's nowhere for me to set up properly." Ah... aherm. Famous last words.

More later.

Not just any old bird

I thought it was high time I cranked out another animal totem. This one, as well as being rather pertinent timing, was sitting on my desktop this morning when I got up to write another chapter that's been floating around in my head (hence all the pictures of Jazz recently, for I am up to the point when we saw her at the pet store, this time 5 years ago). I had it opened from a couple of days back when I was entering it in to the system - I have been recataloguing the manuals into a powerful database format, called Filemaker, for the people at Peace Space so that the information is more of a reference/look-up guide for them too.

I must admit, I've been finding it so handy to have on my own computer the ability to search with the touch of a few buttons, as there is just a wealth of information on so many things (I was up in the middle of the night a couple of weeks back searching the stones database for information on kidney/bladder troubles, for instance, when I was plagued by an infection that set in for about three weeks, to see if I could gain some understanding about why it had manifested in quite that way).

Anyway, to today's animal totem I wanted to share. Might make some of us think a little deeper about the gift from the actual bird on the table before us this festive/Thanksgiving season.

Turkey

Turkeys originated in the Americas. They were domesticated by the Mayans and Aztecs before they were taken to Europe to be bred for the banquet table. Later they were returned to the North American content in the time of the Pilgrim Fathers who established the tradition of eating Turkey at Thanksgiving. In North American First Nation cultures, the Turkey is known as the “give-away eagle” or “earth eagle”. The philosophy of giving away is honoured by many tribes who traditionally give away what they own in order to help others. In doing so, they recognise the sacrifice made by themselves and others, for the Turkey gives up its life so that others can live. Traditionally, Turkey is the symbol of gifts and blessings for its flesh is used for food, its feathers become decoration and its bones are made into whistles. Hence it represents a connection with Mother Earth, the blessings She gives and the human ability to use these blessings to advantage. Today the Turkey is still used for Thanksgiving as well appearing on the centre of tables at Christian Christmastide, and its feathers are made into feather-dusters. Many saints and mystics practiced Turkey wisdom by responding unselfishly on behalf of the needs of others. Turkeys in their natural habitat live in open mixed woodlands and roost in the trees at night. Even though their habitats have at times been threatened, they have been able to adapt to new environments. They feed on berries, many kinds, nuts, acorns and insects. They move about in small groups of about 10-20, finding safety in numbers. This reflects a sense of sharing, as does the practice of Turkey hens who will often share their egg-laying nest with others. The Turkey displays many colours—green and copper tints to its feathers, red legs, red and blue on its head. Upon the male’s head is a red wattle which is mostly seen hanging limp on the forehead. This, in ancient traditions, is linked to higher/ inner vision (the “third eye”) and so connecting it to the feminine energies and Mother Earth.

When Turkey appears as your totem, it is time to look at the gifts you hold and the responsibility you have to honour and share these as blessings with others. True giving is sharing without expecting anything in return. Turkey reminds us that striving to gain everything to get ahead does not come from your true self. Your true self rests in the knowledge that what you do for others is – in turn – what you do for yourself. When Turkey comes into your life, it may be time to celebrate your true virtues* without fanfare. Honour the virtues* you hold in your heart. Acknowledging your own need for self-encouragement will inspire you to help others in need. Be like Turkey and remain open to the world about you and the needs of those around you. This is not a time to be shut off and possessive of your time, space and possessions. It is time to share and take advantage of what you have been given to work with. Holding on to others or possessions for the sake of gratifying your life will only bring dissatisfaction and discouragement, but sharing your true heart’s desire will bring recognition of the gifts you hold. Place yourself in the centre of your own table and celebrate the gifts and virtues you have received and can share with others, for these are what Turkey wisdom gives freely. The gifts you bring into your life and the lives of others will be full of colour. When you share your gifts there is much to receive. Let Turkey take you on a meditation to ask the inner wisdom of your Higher Self what creative gift you have not yet realised.

* Virtues – Three Theological Virtues: Faith, Hope, Charity (Love)
Four Cardinal Virtues: Courage, Justice, Prudence, Temperance
Other personified Virtues: Patience, Gentleness, Humility, Obedience, Perseverance, Chastity, Peace/Harmony

Australian Magpie

When I think about a chilly, sunny morning, dew drenching everything and mist rising as the sun hits the dew and burns it off the grass, nothing quite completes the scene more than the warble of a magpie. I love their song, it is so enchanting. I find it a very striking call. It may well be that they remind me so much of my childhood, where magpies and kookaburras were the "common" birds and some became so tame you could almost, almost touch them.

About four years ago, when I began to get serious with my intuitive work, I did a course in Clearing & Protection. It became a part of my day, almost ritualistic in nature, and the benefits were felt immediately. I had just fallen pregnant for the tenth time. With one Miss Lolly. So she came with me, at a spritely 9 weeks' gestation, for a weekend where I would discover the potential I had within me to make a difference in the space and the world immediately around me.

As I have oft repeated, this is something available to all of us. By whatever method others may choose, there are scores of similar ways to clear and protect oneself. Some pray, some fast, others offer sacrifices, chant, dance.... I won't even count all the ways. There is not "just one way", though, and I think when you find the one that works with you, you're onto something - I don't really speak about my method (the Peace Space mode to healing method) because it's a personal thing. What works for me won't necessarily even raise an eyebrow for you :)

All I know is.... it does change things, so I incorporate it into what I "do" and find that it takes the edge off an otherwise large toll. Ummmmmm, I hasten to point out here that it is this very clearing and protection procedure I have been abysmally remiss in conducting for the better part of, oh, this year? It is something I have been clearly shown, in recent days/weeks, that I do not take seriously enough, perhaps regard highly enough (kind of like, "little old me? Who am I to think I can make a difference, so why bother?") - and this is the very attitude that contributes to that "Everyone complained about the situation, but no one realized there could be an alternative" mindset that is written in the Dreamtime Magpie story. To me, it is a very similar thing.

So. On to Magpie. This is written from the perspective of Neri, one of the Animal Healing Wisdom teachers who has become a dear friend and confidante to me over the past six or so years. Here, she is weaving in just one of the very many "signals" around us, that the animals are there to show is - in their wisdom - if we take the time to look at how they live their lives. Magpie, in particular, is pertinent to me at the moment because, as I read it again now, I am reminded that this energy very much relates to group-conscious or community-mindedness - something I am walking with this past week, in relation to the "cloak of miscarriage" and all that is in that bag of tricks.

You don't need to "know how" to do this clearing and protection, spoken about in the below animal totem - simply being aware when you see them and finding it fit in the context of your life at the time might be the only contemplation necessary. But it's worth a shot.

I think so, anyway.

Australian Magpie

The Magpies of Australia are well-known for their carolling songs that welcome the light of each new day at dawn. As the darkness of night becomes the light of day, Magpie reminds one and all that a new day has begun and that we need to be aware, as we let the sunshine into our day, that we should also bring the Light into all that we do and are involved with in our lives. Magpie's energy song lifts the cloak of darkness to herald the light and reveal the colours of life. This bird's black and white colouring also symbolises the darkness and light that exists in everything that is.

Observation of the Magpie reveals that these birds are constantly aware of what is happening within their territories as they patrol and protect their spaces. Adult Magpies are well-known for vigorously protecting their nests, eggs and young by swooping and diving on anything that approaches - humans, cats, dogs and other birds. Every member of the Magpie group is involved in the defence of the territory and in clearing it of unwanted intruders and predators. Protection is a way of life for them and they mirror to us humans our need to be diligent in adequately clearing and protecting whenever we work with psycho-spiritual levels of conscious awareness.

When sensing any darkness or heaviness of the energies surrounding you or infiltrating a situation you may be involved in, call on Magpie energy to assist in shining light on the subject and in bringing in a new perspective with a sense of joyous harmony.

If you find yourself in a place where the Magpies are a common sight, you may wish to note the number of Magpies you see at the very beginning of each day. As I have worked with Peace Space Clearing & Protection, I have noticed that seeing a single Magpie can indicate a First Level of Clearing & Protection, two Magpies can indicate the need for a Second Level and so on, up to the Seventh Level. Magpies also typify group-strength and group-consciousness as they work together towards the common goals of their community. It is, then, suggested that you return to the First Level of Clearing & Protection and send unconditional love to the All. Seeing this greater number of Magpies could also indicate to you that now is not a time to be independently-minded but instead seek support for your efforts from like-minded others around you.

Groundedness is another quality of Magpies as most of what they feed on is on the ground. Theirs is a diet of invertebrates, including scarab larvae, and they will use their strong pointed bills to poke around and turn up sticks and stones and even cowpats in search of insects. Magpie’s wisdom suggests you make sure you are grounded when working energetically. It suggests that you be aware of those annoyances (indicated by the insects) which need thoughtful digestion before you can gain a better understanding. Magpie’s appearance may mean it is time to shed light on some seemingly small annoyance before it becomes a bigger issue. Magpie teaches us to act now to clear and protect ourselves, a situation and / or those around us – to shift the unwanted energy or interference in order to re-establish peace and harmony, and so create a clearer space in which to exist.

If environmental conditions become harsh or constricted, Magpies, as a group, will form a line to carefully and methodically search for seeds or carrion as food. Such behaviour offers a us a cue not stay stuck in one method of understanding. It may be time to seek help from others in order to find alternative solutions to your situation. Magpies signify single-mindedness and group-consciousness without being caught in the “black and white” of a situation. On an energetic level, Magpies sing in the light that clears the way for fresh insight and new colour in our lives, while, at the same time, protecting our space from unwanted and incorrect energies.


Clearing Protection Light-Dark Single mindedness Group consciousness Community

Mandala Meditation Monday #8

Something 'a little different' today.

A simple meditation on the Magpie. They're so active around here at the moment, gearing up for Spring. And I've long since learned to notice them, travelling in their numbers, and been reminded to do a clearing/protection in those moments. Sometimes I remember to, often I have not.

And so it was today. My father goes in for surgery in mere hours, probably not even that. I was buckling the LGBB in to her carseat and she was adamant she had to get back out and watch the birds. She's never really interested in birds, not more than a fleeting glance. And besides, she wanted to get to occasional care quickly, to show Ruby her plaits (it's all plaits at the moment, it seems to denote some heightened "big girl" status to Lolly).

I was surprised, then, to follow her pointed finger to our front lawn where three gorgeous Maggies were jousting. Yes, jousting. With their beaks. In my mind, something immediately told me I needed to perform a Level Three clearing and protection, which I have since performed. Something needed clearing, I don't know what. But today, I ensured my father was also on my 'radar' as I made the gesture and offered it up to the Big Whatever.

Today, instead of a mandala as such, I want to share two different takes on the Magpie, seeing as his energy is obvious around me on this sunny, crisp day.

Magpies

"In the Dreaming, way back in the beginning of time, when the world was first created and everything was new and young, the sky was very close to Earth. The light was shut out by the sky, which blocked everything and the world was dark. Also, there was no room to stand up, for the sky lay too close to the Earth. All the people had to crawl around on their bellies in teh dark, collecting any food they could find with their bare hands. All the animals, too, even the birds, walked upon the land and many were easy prey for their predators. There were no tall trees to make safe nests in, so the young birds were defenceless. Life was very difficult. No one knew what light was. They had only ever experienced darkness.

Everyone complained about the situation, but no one realized there could be an alternative. The Magpies, some of the more intelligent birds, thought about the situation, trying to find a way to change it. Together, they discussed many ideas, tossing proposals around, weighing up the pros and cons, and dismissing those they considered too unrealistic. Finally, they came up with a solution they all agreed had potential. They decided that, if they worked together as a group with their combined strength, they just might be able to raise the sky.

So, all the Magpied got together and began searching the ground for long sticks. They searched until every Magpie carried a stick. Holding the sticks in their strong beaks, the Magpies pushed with all their might, thrusting the sticks upwards, trying to push the sky up and away from the earth. Slowly, so slowly it was difficult to perceive, the sky moved. It was very heavy, but, with the concerted effort of all the Magpies, it lifted a small distance. The Magpies struggled to lift it higher, then suddenly, the sky split open and revealed the beauty of the first sunrise. Overjoyed with the light and warmth, the Magpies burst into song.

To this day, Magpies welcome the sunrise."

From ORACLE OF THE DREAMTIME -
by Donni Hakanson (Journey Editions, Boston, Massachusetts; 1998)

I'll put the Magpie meditation in its own post a bit later, for ease of future searching purposes if anyone's interested :)

Mandala Meditation Monday #7

I haven't the words or the energy to entirely put into words the weekend I've had. Suffice to say, I have visited the hospital three times in the space of about 17 hours for pain in the right side of my face (a misfiring trigeminal nerve - it's known as trigeminal neuralgia), had a shot of Tremedol, Panadeine Forte (both of which did ZIP for the pain), been put on a drip, had Maxolon to reverse the severe vomiting that started late yesterday - in front of dear Lolly, oh gosh - and now I'm onto Tegretol to begin to manage the pain. In a week or so, I am going to see a Neurologist to try and locate the cause of the nerve pinch/hyperactivity (it's basically causing my face to alternately freeze/lock and grip me in the most intense, crushing, shooting pains I've ever known).

I cannot chew, I can hardly talk (well, not for long) and am finding sleep and even holding my face very difficult. Who knew gravity was SUCH a bitch? It seems any change in position, once I am given a few moments' relief, results in a bout of shooting pain. But all of it only on the right side of my face and head.

Hey, you know you're in trouble if you can't even enjoy a coffee. Steve humoured me and walked me up to the café after visiting the doctor with me and my God. The pain was so severe that I got restless legs. I literally wanted to jump out of my body. It's the kind of pain that makes you look in the mirror and go, "Far OUT, it looks like nothing is happening in there!" And I took three sips and decided it wasn't worth the intsense pain that came with putting my lips around the vent on the lid. I've eaten just miso soup and a tub of pureé fruit since Saturday night because I just can't put a spoon in there. Teeth brushing? Don't even ask.

In giving you all that rundown, I want to say this. I am not focusing on the physical/fear aspects of this. As much as I can, I am going to be re-evaluating a lot of things. A big part of this is now standing in my true sense of self. Time to get seri-arse. Sorry. Serious.

I took myself outside in the (brief) sunshine this morning. I closed my eyes and attempted to gain some healing from the sun and whomever of My Posse was around to give me guidance. As soon as I closed my eyes, the familiar colours began. I was swathed in Turquoise. A really beautiful shade of Turquoise. I just let the colour wash behind my eyes, it was really intense. So was the pain! I had to go inside abruptly, before I could get too far into my meditation, because the cold was triggering more pain.

A few hours later, my dear friend Neri phoned me - I have had a lot of support from Jen and her since my ordeal began on Saturday night and have been offered wonderful insights and wisdoms to give me a greater understanding of why I'm going through this (remember: it's not just about you when something huge happens, there's always a deeper reason behind whatever pain you're going through! And once again, I could not see past it because it had already filtered in to my physical body and clouded my thoughts and concentration).

Anyway, Neri gave me a mandala to use today. It was a Turquoise one. Ho ho, fancy that! And the animal to go with that mandala is the Baboon, which I will also include here today. She explained to me that Baboon was about taking time out "in the trees" and just chilling. When I got to the doctor's later this morning, he said exactly the same thing. Just not in an etheric, "look to the Baboon" sense. Naturally.

"Rest, rest, rest," he said firmly.

A word I have hitherto detested but really need to begin to respect more. This is what I am sitting with today. Forgive me, I don't have the energy to put the image up. But I promise I will come back and put it in once I get a chance. For now, the text can suffice:

30. The FLEET of the FOLLOWING

the colour of...RICH TURQUOISE
the sound chord of …G 6
the essence of...MALACHITE...the stone for burnt-out healers as it opens your heart chakra, awakens your altruistic nature, and inspires healers to give more freely of themselves. MALACHITE aligns the etheric and emotional bodies and balances the 3rd chakra. MALACHITE treats mental illness, averts dizziness, vertigo and fainting, relieves cramps and rheumatism, and promotes sleep. MALACHITE aids co-ordination disorders (like epilepsy, autism, dyslexia and neurological discharges) caused by left-right brain imbalances, and visual disorders where it treats cataracts and generally strengthens the eyes. It aids self-expression, increases fertility and lactation, aids childhood dentation and treats childhood ills. For cardiac pain, MALACHITE stimulates the circulatory system, increases capillary action and invigorates red corpuscles. As a salve with honey, MALACHITE can staunch bleeding. It aids the kidneys and assists in cases of over-intoxification of the system and radiation-induced illnesses (such as cancerous tumours and leukaemia) and strengthens those working with video terminals and computers. MALACHITE promotes tissue regeneration, strengthens the pineal and pituitary glands, and removes toxicity in the fatty tissue. It aids the pancreas, spleen and stomach, prevents hernias and may be used for colic, intestinal infection, and gastric complaints involving nervous tension such as gastric ulcers.

This Mandala can give you a vantage point that is higher than your current one. From it you will be able to see into dangerous situations and access the reason and purpose of the learning these experiences have for you. This Mandala will address the turbulence you have created and that has continued to follow you. Your onus, now, is that of surrounding and containing this turbulence.

When the Mandala appears aligned, it will help you view from above whatever situation you are to take charge of. It will give you a 'birds eye view' of
• the ship (i.e., the container of your responsibilities),
• the turbulent seas (i.e., the emotional depths of learning you are responsible to—not only your own emotional depths, but the depths of those in your care, as well),
• the horizon of safe ground, or of wider objectives than the voyage you are on now).

You will now be faced with the necessity to forge new ground with the aim of moving humanity to create harmony and unity. There will be rough seas, so you will have to be sturdy and strong as well as flexible and flowing with your energy.

Growing from this experience does not necessitate fleeing from it. Rather it involves your melding the flight of your intuition with the stealthy integrity of your mature consciousness. This fold of experience will become a catapult to benefit the future. It will forge your ability to be intuitively responsible and it will be with this indelible responsibility as your solid foundation that you will build the future structure of new lands.

You are being helped towards this learning so that you will be able to keep a steady rhythm during your voyage. Certainly the predatory waters will warn you of risk, but if you travel beyond diving into worry about risks and, instead, gain insight about any possible surrounding danger from the vantage point of your Higher Sight, you will be far safer and much better prepared to encounter any challenging reefs.

Sailing this vessel will involve being vigilant for those who sail with you because you do have the gift of harmonising any ill-mindedness belonging to those in your care! This gift of yours carries with it the ability to adjust your etheric patterns to provide others with peace of mind. When you feel overawed by the crowding of your personal space, you will be given the Chalice of Dedication to drink from and its draught of Fresh Waters will balance your purpose with peace for your mind. You will be allowed personal time and space away from pressure and push to ponder new perimeters and to open them.

Baboon

Baboons are found in most parts of Africa and are classified as Old World monkeys. They have forsaken life spent entirely in the trees for life spent mostly on the ground. Their heavy body and short fingers make Baboons better suited to foraging in grasslands than to swinging in trees as other primates do. However, Baboons do spend their nights in the trees and will also retreat to the safety and vantage point of the tree canopy when under threat. They are agile, resourceful and highly sociable—masters of survival—and can out-manoeuvre even the biggest cats, i.e., lions and leopards, which are their chief predators.

Baboon wisdom tells you to reach for a higher viewpoint when you deal with predator interference. If you do not seek the higher perspective of higher guidance, staying only grounded could endanger you at this time. Take to the trees with the Baboons for a time of meditation and wait for the turbulence, or dangerous situation, to pass. This will give you the space and time to find a wider perspective and access greater insight and will show you why and what you are to learn from your experience. Encountering Baboon energy indicates that now is not the time to get involved in external situations nor become overly reactive to them. Rather, it is a time to see your objectives within a wider perspective and discern how best to move on into greater responsibility more maturely. Head home to your sacred space within, then, and find calm and stillness there so that you can meld your experience and intuition and so encourage change and growth for your own spiritual future as well as the spirit family around you.

Baboons troops are close-knit and can number anything from 7 to 200. The dominant male is responsible for the troop’s safety and leads the way, keeping the females and young secure to the centre of the group. The other males act as sentries, barking warnings to each other and fighting with foreign rogue males should they try to join the troop. Baboons fiercely stand their ground against intruders whom they will force into flight, or retreat. When Baboon appears, know that you are on notice to be protective, supportive, energetically aware and responsible towards yourself, your family (physical and spiritual) and your community and steer away from threatening interferences and any incorrect experiences that may present themselves to you. Baboon medicine is about not avoiding your life experiences but rather about knowing how to deal correctly with their risks and finding the best way to respond to any threats. It is about connecting with Source (reaching “high into the trees”) to gain a higher perspective so you can find a better and safer way.

Baboons behave as if they spend much care and attention on each other. These very sociable creatures appear to enjoy each other’s company and spend a lot of time mutually grooming to remove ticks, fleas and debris from each other’s fur—a practice that cements the firm bonding of the troop. Baboon wisdom suggests to humans their need to show greater care towards each other and to be involved in removing unwanted energies attracted in daily routines. This wisdom is also about helping the younger members of one’s family to find the discipline required to grow and about learning, through all experiences, to lead by example. Baboon families are not prone to fighting, nor even squabbling, and tend to seek a peaceful and harmonious existence. They communicate constantly with many grunts and a variety of facial expressions demonstrating the disciplined maturity of their social behaviour within the troop. When Baboon appears in your life it could indicate a time for you to review how well you communicate with those around you. How harmoniously are you travelling and are you behaving in a mature and disciplined way?

Baboons are always on the move to find new feeding grounds where they graze on plants, many of which can be toxic to other animals. Baboons have the ability to find nourishment in a greater variety of plants than do others who find comparative difficultly in digesting. Baboon wisdom teaches how to use greater discernment in digesting thoughts. Baboons have been under threat from human agricultural methods which have sought to eradicate them as a pest to crops, but the Baboons’ vigilance has paid off. They have survived despite all extermination efforts and their populations continue to flourish. Baboon medicine is that of being prepared to meet the challenges in life by always seeking a higher perspective from which to gain expanded vision and so find another way. Baboon energy shows you how to allow each experience to deliver you new wisdom, to take ‘time out’ to find a quite space so you can become the catalyst that opens up frontiers and new ways for your future.

Experience Risks Challenges Higher Perspectives Higher Point of View Community Time Out
30 Mandala, The Fleet of the Following, Rich Turquoise, Malachite, Baboon, Sound Chord G6

What is Koala saying?

Alrighty, here I go again with another post I'm so uncertain about sharing but forging right on ahead.

I'm working around to doing a more indepth post on Koala as an animal totem. But for now, here are my random, scattered thoughts.

Not only because we've seen many photos these past weeks showing koalas coming out of their trees to accept water from human beings (unheard of!), but I have had this growing sense of kinship to this wonderful native Australian animal for some months now. I think somehow it goes with Mookaite.

So far, amongst my research and what has come to me via others' previous work on this gorgeous furry friend:

• Koala means, loosely translated, "No Water" or "No Drink"
• Dreamtime legend of the Koala basically revolves around the Koala having the power to inflict drought on the lands
• The Koala is, like the Kangaroo, unique in that it gives birth to its young prematurely and nurtures it within with its life-giving milk (I believe this is why I felt a pull to the Koala, as this is possibly one of the keys to its importance in my future area of intuitive work)
• In terms, again, of the resonance with what I believe is my calling/to stay close or true to, I also found this fascinating:

From here

Important Koala Teaching: Holding On

“Koala, with a firm grip on life, always knows where he is going (even if he appears to be going slow) by the opportunities that he has been presented with.” Copyright: “Wisdom of Australian Animals”, Ann Williams-Fitzgerald.

“The Koala is a reminder that we are stronger than we imagined, and we will be able to hang on through whatever situation is occurring in our life.” Copyright: “Animal-Wise”, Ted Andrews.

Koala’s Wisdom Includes:

Love

Ability to Climb Over Obstacles

Finding Safe Haven

Giving Support

Having a Firm Grip On Life

How to be Comfortable With Your Own Company

Holding On

Being Focused

The more I read, the more I firmly believe that this has been my personal totem for my whole life - waiting for the right time (a Koala's pace!!) to be uncovered by me in my slow (also at a Koala's pace ;-) spiritual awakening.

So what are these Koalas actually saying? Literally coming up to our faces to tell us? If you would like to read more now, I found this absolutely fascinating and may also be of interest to you. Well worth the read, I think.

I am getting a rounder sight about it and hope to put something on paper soon (it might be a fair while, months even, before I publish it here for I will get it drafted and most likely it will form part of the work I'm doing this year on Dawn/Masters Pink... OMG they think I'm going to be helping bring that work through, yikes!!).

But I do truly firmly believe that what is happening here with these marsupial-human interactions is so incredibly profound, far beyond a simple "No water up trees, coming down to seek water." I mean.... why are they bowling up to humans? Humans who happen to have cameras, no less?! It's not even lost on me that these photos are flying around cyberspace, further reducing the vastness of the world and bringing us closer in so we really look at these creatures and ask...

What are they trying to tell us?

This one time, back in 2004...

It was four years ago this week that we acquired a little pup we called Jazz.

Instead of tucking our little girl into bed at night and expanding her solid food horizons, we gave you "1/4 dry puppy food and the rest of the bowl with chicken", which I would painstakingly poach and then strip into bite-size chunks. Instead of tending to our baby girl if she woke in the night, we had to teach you the tough puppy-love Whine It Out method of soothing your yelping self to sleep. It nearly gutted me. I would lie awake desperate to rush and comfort you and give you (who am I fooling, and me) something warm and loving to snuggle into so you slept knowing you were safe and loved. But we couldn't do that, for we knew you would fast become a big dog and not remain a tiny, poky little puppy forever.

You were the arrow that pierced my heart that first summer and festive season without Ella. I was completely bereft, unable to bear facing the Christmas and New Year period that year. I had had my ninth baby taken from me barely a week prior and I guess my hormones were still coming down from their late first trimester high. But when Steve coaxed me into admitting I wanted you, after the second sighting of you through the pet shop window, I didn't desist. I stood in that shop while he filled out the paperwork I was too emotional to complete, holding you so close to my chest.

The warmth of a little body, a body of a pup who weighed more than the maximum weight my firstborn had ever reached, made me swoon. I could feel your strong heart beating as if it would pop out through your puppy fat-covered chest. I gazed at you daily, how beautiful you were, as I pondered time and again how it could be that you were separated from your mother and your litter so early in life. I cried bitter, sweet tears for you. For your mummy. For me, I knew ultimately. And you let me, you dear little thing.

At night, while we relaxed in front of the tv, I would let you lie down my chest. You felt safe there. I felt safe with you there. Your weight was an anchor to keep me grounded, especially during the passing of the first anniversary of our daughter's death and then, a month later, passing. You were blissfully unaware of what you represented to me, personally. But without your life, in mine, I would have been completely and absolutely bereft that year.

All this is not to say that you didn't grow into a little turd over time. Not only that, you were still being weaned from the chest-lying liberty we had both taken with each other when I was over four months' pregnant with the LGBB. The last time, when you used my gut as leverage as you ricocheted off me onto the floor when it was "nigh-nigh's time", I think we all knew... it simply had to be your last time. You asserted your place in the family and staked your claim as Top Dog long before my trusty doggy soulmate was willing to give over. Although you've convinced yourself you're at the top of the heap, mon frer, my Pep has that claim and rightfully so until she's ready to go.

Granted, Pepper's not as agile as you. She's not nearly as good at causing grievous bodily harm to anyone either. But she is my Top Dog. You have to give her that, Miss Mena. No bones about it *see what I did there?* you will just have to continue to do your time. It's a sentence you know you signed up for.

You and me, Jazz, I know the future always had you in it. And not my dear old girl for very long after we brought our first baby home. I'm surprised she hasn't abdicated the throne before now, to be honest, but I am not one bit surprised on the other hand. Until she is comfortable to go, Pep will stay. And so until then, my little 28kg insolent bag o' beans, we shall have to continue to sneak you out for days of pleasure and joy with us so that you know there will be an end to this imprisonment. Keep your sense of humour. Your brand of fun and joy is infectious - much like the LGBB's, which is not lost on me one bit - so please don't let it be ruined, Universe, by the stranglehold my increasingly old and doddery doggy has on life (and in turn, her arch nemisis, the successor we call Libby).

But you understand, I cannot wish it away for you. My lovely, lovely doggy babies. How I have recently taken you for granted. This trip down memory lane (doing a search of both your names on the old blog) has been sobering tonight.

I MUST put up the Dog animal totem soon. Have been meaning to. Remind me if I forget (again), Internet xx

Life paths - By the decade

Following on from this post, something new that I'd like to begin to explore, with anyone who is willing and wanting, is a method of healing/understanding that has just recently been brought to my attention - using one's birth date to find their numerological number (I'm a 1, for interest's sake) and then applying it to a set of interconnecting colour mandalas - each of which have their own healing properties when properly applied to a situation or a life path - there is more understanding to be gained from reading up on one's decadal (as in, by the decade) life path.

For instance, I am in my fourth decade (as I am in my thirties). I looked mine up and it goes like this:

Number 1: Magenta - Leadership and self-preservation for the sake of others
4th Decade is aligned with Mandala 31: "The Forest of Fostering, Fathering and Furthering", Rich Green, the stone Fuchsite, the animal Emu, the sound chord of C.
Lesson in this decade: Physicality
Balanced state: Discipline - which says, "I recognise what I can control in my world and I exercise that responsibility."
Rich (green) Focus: Connecting the dots; understanding and acceptance of your ordination
(ill-positioned) Muddy, ie. if I'm not balanced: non-acceptance of your ordination

From this, I can see very clearly that I did indeed begin my thirties in this manner and continue to strive to "connect those dots" as I move *omg a bit too fast for my liking* into the middle of this decade I am in. I would not claim to be in my balanced state (yet) because I am still learning to exercise the responsibility in recognising what I can and can't control in my world. I very much recognise in myself the mandala title "fostering, fathering and furthering" - I have fathered a cause, for instance (the current vehicle for which is my book for the time being), and I am fostering and furthering it (through my striving to understand and learn more about myself and human nature and behaviours in order that I may give out what I discover, in case it helps someone/anyone else). So there is the #1 part too very clearly: "for the sake of others".

On to Emu, I can further gain understanding by looking at this animal. In part, the paper I have on this totem reads:

Emu is one of the earliest developed birds and knows the wisdom and plans of Mother Earth at very deep levels. Father Emu ("Old Man Emu") assumes the role of father-carer and tends the young birds. He it is who guides new Emu life, supporting its learning in whatever is needed for balance in the soul of Emu's spirit family.

Father Emu sits on the eggs and patiently allows each egg in turn to break open with its individual new life. As sole parent, he holds the strength within to journey creatively with this new life. His lesson to you is that you find the stability to be gained from recognising the masculine energy within - the energy that fathers growth and creativity into being and extends fatherly support and encouragement to others.

Emu has no need to fly. Emu's appearance in your life may mean that now is not the time to take flight, but rather to keep both feet on the ground, walking the supportive path of recognising the responsibilities of Fathering-time. It is time for you to be like Emu, creating new life with others and tending and supporting it. It is time for you to look around to see if there are others you can encourage and help. Such actions will further the process of your own growth and those of your projects which need new life.

Emu runs the open lands, drinks water from the pools, gathers under the trees (to under-stand in the wisdom of life) and rests in the knowledge that all one needs to know is to be found in the universe - when one trusts and travels in one's own truth. Emu, then, knows how to read the messages from teh sky and the energy of the earth, so Emu's appearance heralds a time to understand that leaving projects while calling for others to mother and support you just will not bring results. Emu calls upon you to DO IT NOW rather than be a "gonna be!" Emu challenges you with the question, "Why fly when you can walk your chosen path groundedly?" Emu tells you that you can run your life without copying the ways of others or being defined by them. However, first you must find, accept and trust your own truth.

Ok, and now for my confession (whether or not you believe me 'cause this is the honest injin truth): I have never read that paper before. It's in the Green Ray manual, which was the first colour I did at the beginning of 2008... but we were meant to read the animal totems as "homework" *cough* I've never been good with homework.

So, I guess this just confirms my point that this stuff is magic if you are seeking further understanding and/or clarification of where you're "at" and where you're heading. I had no idea this animal totem was all about "creating new life with others and tending and supporting it. It is time for you to look around to see if there are others you can encourage and help. Such actions will further the process of your own growth and those of your projects which need new life." Because, essentially, isn't this exactly what I've just offered my blog audience??? Hmmm. I love this stuff *happy sigh*

If you would like me to look yours up, please contact me either via comments here or my email. It would help me to receive feedback into how much/little it relates to you and whether it helps at all. I'd love to share your experiences here, but would only do that with permission - for the sake of furthering a community/collective feel, is all. If you're up for it and game ;) drop me a line (and of course, you reserve the absolute right not to be made an example of on here!). And psst, don't forget to give me your birth date, month and year and an email address to get you your information please.

Of course, you could always go to Peace Space directly and get yourself right into whichever modality you're feeling is right for you. They even do the colour ray course by correspodence (so don't let distance put you off, if you are committed and want to really do it... then do it! I highly recommend it, though it is full-on learning and can be quite confronting - in a good way - if that is what you're seeking at this time in your life). They pretty much offer every alternative healing method you can think of.