Steve dug a hole

Well, actually no, technically that's not correct. He burrowed a wall, forged a gap, knocked the crap out of an oddly-placed structure. I think he feels better for it.

And, just quietly, if anyone had ever told me three years ago that I would be taking snaps of my sweet little daughter eating a sandwich on a picnic rug in her front yard under a big ole maple, I'd have laughed my head orf at them.

I feel like I look and sound as if I'm am one step away from donning cotton gardening gloves and calling myself Mrs Fulton, Margaret Fulton*, and putting on a bright apron with sunny buttercups on it. I am finding it harder to fight the urge, moving to a house like this, and it reminds me of something my Homoeopath (remember him?) said to me almost off-handedly, ages ago just after I had Lolly. He said, "Why are you resisting being a mum?" It rocked me then and it's stayed with me til now. But maybe this is all part of that. This move might be just what I need to actually make the outside match the inside and feel comfortable enough in my ability and desire to just go with it, instead of being in this sort of half-life I'm still in, in so many respects.

Give in to the urge, is what everything is starting to nag me. And when I do, it'll be natural - the things I do will come naturally. Heck, I may even feel like cooking the nightly meals again (Steve has wrestled that one off me, nearly two years ago now, and it's become like his domain for the time being, but perhaps with a bigger yard and a huge blokey tool shed he will actually feel like getting out of the house into his expansive backyard, for until now we really haven't had anywhere to escape each other on our current turf).

It's all good!




*please do NOT let me go there, I don't want to box myself in, there will be no baking of cookies from scratch on cookie sheets for this lame-o domestic godess. Pull my head in if I even look like suggesting I make my own gingerbread cookies in the shape of Christmas trees, dusted with icing sugar to look like "snow".... please, I beg of you, save me from that.

Things that can't be good

• I saw a bank document (you tend to accumulate those when you are between homes) that said something about balanced translocations. And I though, "HUH?", having to think really hard and carefully about whether I was due for an egg retrieval or transfer or other such eggy-related thing. Then I thought to myself, that's impossible because 1) I'm not doing IVF and 2) last I knew, ANZ didn't offer PGD with their Cash Management Account. Reading again and making myself concentrate, I saw that it actually said "Balance transaction". You can take the girl out of the IVF clinic....

• My Gymboree clothing order arrived today. What a nice little boost to the senses and soul that was. Except.... every damn piece of clothing I bought the LGBB is so damn cute that she can't wear them. I may just squeeze her to the size of a toothpick. Seriously, people, have you seen this stuff?? Brightly coloured cupcakes at the cuffs of dark chocolate cord pants (very sensible, is cord, on a toddler) and a matching olive green top with three cupcakes on it, Gingerbread House pink pj's with dark burgundy cuffs, I Love Candy pj striped bottoms and pink top in candy colours, a white corduroy, puffy, satin-lined vest/jacket thing with faux fur hood. I can't go on. I've never seen such gorgeousness. It's ludicrous. What was I thinking and when did clothes actually become delectable?

• I ate a whole box of Jamaican rumball truffles yesterday. I think I justified it as lunch. So today, I've made pumpkin soup for myself in an attempt to redeem the evils of so much sugar.

Taking care of business

Why did it take me til only recently to be satisfied with my justification of the number of days/hours the LGBB is "seeing her friends" (at occasional care)?

Since we've had the house on the market, which would have been about two months ago now I'd guess, she has been going three times per week, 3.5-4 hours at a time. She lurrrrves it. I wouldn't be comfortable sending her if she didn't. But it seems, the more hours she's spent there, the more she has enjoyed her home away from home.

Even yesterday, when I dropped her off at 8.30 and was very wary about doing so in light of the past week, I asked Penny (a lovely older staff member/carer at the centre who's into wooden toys and alternative/Steiner/whatever you want to name it teachings) to take extra special care of Lolly. That she had been feeling rather sensitive to either or both Steve and I leaving the room, let alone the house. I hadn't seen much of her since Thursday and had been gone for much of the weekend and virtually all day Thursday and Friday. So by the time Monday morning rolled around, that little powerhouse of a LGBB had only had a few short hours with just her mum and dad on Sunday afternoon. And she let us know she was unsettled by way of her altered sleep patterns, her numerous night wakings and crying out (she is still doing this, it may take a few more days yet for her to settle too from recent events).

So I dropped her off with a big kiss and a big hug, trying very hard to mask exhaustion and so forth (although I realise they just pick up on it and it must be rather confusing for a child to see a smile plastered on your face over the top of what they sense is unease), and called to check on her two hours later. She was fine. When I went to collect her, she was commanding a corner of the darkened room - for it was sleep time for the other children - and chatting to the bears there.

If we had other people to call on, I daresay some sort of regular arrangement could be made. A day could be agreed on. I am past the point of huffing over the fact that people I would have hoped to be willing to see her as often as they could are in fact not doing that and rather than take it personally myself, or on behalf of my daughter or Steve, I simply accept that it has not happened that way because that is not what Lolly needs. So this occasional care replacement, while it costs somewhat more than a relative or friend taking the LGBB for a day or half day, is the ideal thing.

It can't work both ways for people who are only "half" in her life. And I think the LGBB has very adequately informed me of her need for time without me and with whom she will have it. For now.

Ah! There you are!

Ok, must be brief.

Shit, when I said in my last post on the other blog that I was being "called in" and needed to shift some of the physical stuff to get on with it... ah, I didn't quite expect it'd start happening THAT BLOODY DAY!!!!! I posted that before 7am and by 11.30 I was on the train to I've Never Been Here Beforesville. I still have an emotional lump in my throat and also need a bloody good cry, despite sort of letting some of the buildup go ... uh, erm, in full view of the public on a Saturday night. Oops.

I also still have to sort some things out and check stuff and yada yada, so this first post is very boring and very, well, simply here as a confirmation you're at the right place. Yes. It is I. Your resident nut job, freakoid, airy-fairy (aherm thanks, Mel) mother to one LGBB.

You're all lovely. And you must all be part of it, in some small way. That's why you're all here. Isn't it?

More soon, please don't gnash teeth til I get back. I just may not be able to post for a few more days because of 'tying up loose ends' and continuing stuff and business and all that. Clear as mud?! Sorry, guys.

*waving as I leave* No, you hang up first.

Getting there. It's time.

Geez, these days I hardly get time to get my feathers all ruffled and the realisation comes *pouts* Where's the fun in that?

I am joking, of course.

It's time to fly the nest. I didn't see before that I am not seeing my family as individuals, not beholdent or responsible for insuring my safe passage through my life after experiencing death.

Wise friends are like beacons to me and I appreciate every singular (and collective) one of them (you).

After a build-up of incorrect energy delivered upon me (again) today when I least expected it, in very poor form I perpetuated its effects by purging/dumping, if you will. Like most things viewed in hindsight, I don't know if simply seeing my hurting words on screen and knowing they'd reach a sympathetic ear was what catalysed the enlightenment. But in one fell swoop, I've made another bounding leap in knitting the wound closed.

I can't expect anyone not living my life to fully realise what I feel. No matter how many times I explain or spell it out, it's not for anyone but me to solve the riddle that's been niggling at me. Everyone has their own life. They don't owe me anything. But... in the reverse, nor do I owe them. This was my sticking point thus far, I believe. I expected to be expected to deliver. Seeing as I can't these days, such is life with a gaping hole I will in some respects never fill, I was beating myself up all this time that I can't possibly hope to repay in kind (or otherwise) that which was granted me as I healed in the early days of Ella dying. What's ensued is a flogging of myself to explain myself to, most of all, my family. I don't think they expect it, but I did it anyway. They're all individuals. They are all different (ok, ok, for the Python fans I have to echo... "yes.... we ARE all different"). They are neither responsible nor answerable to me nor me to them.

It's time. I'm on my own now. I finally. FINALLY. Realised it. Not more than 10 minutes ago.

So... just tell me again?

Because sorry, I've forgotten. Just why exactly would we be expected to smoke the peace pipe with anyone who could not see past their own ruffled feathers to recognise someone in the throes of grief? And not only that, but rub salt in the wounds ever so subtlely by sending unnecessary anecdotes about blissful newborn antics mere months after I lost my own?

You know the type who appears all demure and attentive and giving? And all the while, you know damn well you're being played, specifically by the blatantly obvious messages you're being slipped when no one else is looking so they get to keep their noses clean, and regardless, you have no choice but to go along with it, for the sake of family peace?

I can attest with all certainty that, even had I not experienced the death of Ellanor, if someone I knew (family or otherwise) lost a child, I would give them the hugest break of all time. I just know I would. I know for a fact that others would too. I've seen people give me all the rein I needed (and those who didn't give that rein have cut themselves loose from our life) and I've heard enough stories now to know that there seems to be a mix of the two types: the ones who give you as much space as you need and cut you slack, at times gently guiding you back on track if you get a bit overly sensitive. No pointing out faults, just passive, peaceful giving-way until you get back to the path.

Why then, WHY, are they insistent on us putting "all of that" behind us? Chatting in passing about it the other night (as we are so over the subject and at peace with our decisions it's not worth rehashing specifics one more time), Steve and I could look back at the people we were and see plainly that all that was required was some more acceptance and allowance for our situation. We received neither... rather, we received only as much as some people could give. And that was nowhere near enough.

Now, 2 years after the fact, it seems there is still a need for meddling middle-players that they will put above anything else. That is, they would rather we come together and forgive all trespasses. At the expense of our feelings, recollections, pride, ongoing needs right now, whatever... I find it so ludicrous that I can't even look at them anymore.

I've had it up to *here* with hearing "Yes but some people are just not strong, they are just not able to cope with things like this" ... things like "this" being the death of our. Well, you know what? We had no real say either. It was sink or swim for us. Somehow, we swam. But when we were treading water for that first year or two, apart from not even being there, these people made it WORSE than it had to be.

And now you want me to WHAT??! Invite them to celebrate the first year of our second baby's life? Not in a million forevers, sorry.

The "get on with it" method and why it doesn't work

I'm writing a book. I didn't think it fitting to mention until I had accepted it myself. But it's fact now, I've started. And I've got around 20,000 words. I'm compiling bits and pieces from things I've written in the past three years and I'm trying to make it all work together now. It's hugely intense and emotional, gives me searing headaches sometimes when I read certain things and yet I can't deny the messages any longer. I had to get going on it. So last week, I did.

Not entirely off-topic, as I've been surrounding myself with all this over the weekend and it's put me in a funny (not ha-ha) place. I believe that being in a place of acceptance that all is as it is for a universal reason (the end-point of which no one knows until it goes sailing past and then another life lesson comes up, they're like waves) is the main key to the healing I've made over the death of Ellanor.

I was struck again last night by correspondence from a dear friend that had me thinking all night. She has inadvertently helped me realise where all my energy is going (not that it helps me curb the drain, that'll take some work): I have been hellbent on "fitting the mould". Seeing my words through her eyes - the sucker for punishment read my entire blog in one sitting yesterday, can you imagine? - really helped me bring it all back in again.

Quite coincidentally, yet perhaps not at all (the symmetry of universal process never ceases to excite and delight me), I was also trawling through my whole blog yesterday for a different reason. I was struck by not only how much more light-hearted yet deep my writing used to be *sob* but the positivity that innumerous people have thanked me for in the past was actually evident to me. I've not seen it before. It was a sombre realisation. It showed me in black and white just how far down I've come, if I could see it for myself and think of it as the "me" from before - strange then, that this has come at a time when I *should* be so much happier.

But therein lies the issue. And what a biggie it is.

I'm placing an ideal on myself subconsciously. It's one I've actually made mention of here and also to various people as the conversation arises in my life off-line. I'm going to Playgroup this morning, for instance. I could choose to let them in on where I am today (in a different headspace totally, surrounded by thoughts of Ellanor), I could vent a bit about how hard it is to try and juggle being Mum to two girls, one of whom is obviously not here; I could shut up about all of that and just focus on Lolly and get carried up by the day to days of all their lives; or I could just as easily not go, so avoiding the predicament altogether.

I say it's a predicament because I've done (and am living) the "get on with it" method, prescribed by family, friends and wider community alike. Why did I rush to get to this point though? Did I do it to reassure people I am capable, I was ok, I could do it all after I had Lolly? I recall telling various friends, relatives, health professionals, that I was NOT ok. When mention of Ella was made by me, I was moved along by and large (not by all, but when it comes from those you highly respect the opinion of, and you're feeling on the back foot, out of your depth, sleep deprived and very lost, hell yeah you use someone else's "trusted" judgment).

Yet, as this friend last night confirmed it is for her too, to live this way is to deny your lost child. And what would ANYONE who gave me the suggestion to move along know about that?? It's proven to me I still haven't quite got the balance right and maybe I never will. Days and weeks go by and I don't even notice that I haven't mentioned my dear cherub. I know on another level, though, that our connection is on a far more organic level. It's almost cellular. I don't always need to mention her or bring her into conversation now, as I used to (especially just after the LGBB made her entrance to the stage), because to do so and have conversations changed or be offered polite but very clear messages that I needed to "move on" and "let go" now that I had another daughter was actually more painful than the realisation that if I didn't say her name out loud, nobody would. Certainly they weren't mentioning (and don't mention) her to me. Here, right here in this blogspace, is about the sum total where consistently I've had only thoughtful, encouraging back-rubs from readers. That and a tiny online "mothers group" of my four non-blood related "sistas" *index and middle finger tap to heart* which has been my life blood for a couple of years now. I really have wound it right down, though, my expression of thoughts about Ellanor and the tough gig I've got keeping myself buoyant (no easy feat with an extra 20kg still to go, let me assure you) for Lolly day to day.

We just went on holiday. Every single day, I was thinking of Ella. This outdoor balcony would have been an issue with a 3 year-old, getting the LGBB off to sleep would have been hard with Ella here too sleeping in the same room, what would she have been like - would she have been into all the drawers and cupboards, would we have had to pack far more frugally in order to take her favourite toys (answer: Yes, undoubtedly). I could go on and on, the wonders I had in my mind. I do it all the time. Often, when I'm not talking and sitting feeding Lolly, I will be thinking about Ella. Wondering about her like she's still on her travels, wondering how different our house would be, my relationship with Steve would be. Would we be happier now if we hadn't had the struggle we had with Ellanor?

Yet, still I don't want to see her death as a tragedy. Her not being here as a gaping empty hole in my life. To do that is to negate the time she spent here.

And what of the LGBB? How does how I am with all of this affect her? I never want her to feel she is living in the shadow of a baby, an older sister, who can do no wrong. I need to do right by her too. How do I properly compartmentalise my ongoing healing and growing and accepting that Ellanor is not here, how do I weave that into my life, our lives, now, all the while maintaining an honest balance? How do I do it and keep the impact on Lolly to a minimum? When do I even get the time to regularly take my thoughts and energy to a space where I can continue this healing?

Therein lies another pressure not familiar (thank God for them) to most other mothers. No Playground floor play talk would ever be able to touch on how you balance giving yourself a break about giving in some days to the immense yearning for a child you will never see change in those photos, while still trying to put on a happy face for the achingly gorgeous grizzle-bucket now asleep (finally, damn those goddamn teeth - about 8 of them I can feel coming all at once, oh my poor Lolly!). How do I manage sitting here reading the diary I kept each day while looking after her sister in the NICU, keeping myself together even though my head feels like it's exploding? And then I have to go in to her when she wakes but it's like trying to flip a switch in my brain: this is not Ella. This is another baby.

Oh that's right. This is the Bliss Bomb. This is a totally different, unique person. I know that. But because Ella will always be a baby when I physically put myself back in time to where I was with her in the physical, it's still difficult while Lolly is also a baby to separate the two girls.

Feel a tad nauseous. Better stop and regroup before my young charge takes charge and yells out.